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I am so not a fan of The Ethicist
Sep. 14th, 2024 04:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conulyMy 78-year-old mother has moderate dementia and suffers from mood swings, depression, anxiety, agitation and disturbed sleep. One of her doctors recommended a low-dosage CBD/THC gummy to alleviate these problems. She takes one daily and, combined with other therapies, now experiences more stable moods and better sleep.
The issue is my mother’s conviction that marijuana is for drug addicts and criminals, never mind that medical marijuana is legal in our state. She is so vehemently opposed to marijuana use that she disapproved when my dying sister used marijuana years ago for pain relief from inflammatory breast cancer. I have to lie to her about the ingredients in the gummies, which I casually refer to as ‘‘multivitamins.’’ Is it wrong to give my mother a drug that she would never have voluntarily taken on her own? — Name Withheld
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The issue is my mother’s conviction that marijuana is for drug addicts and criminals, never mind that medical marijuana is legal in our state. She is so vehemently opposed to marijuana use that she disapproved when my dying sister used marijuana years ago for pain relief from inflammatory breast cancer. I have to lie to her about the ingredients in the gummies, which I casually refer to as ‘‘multivitamins.’’ Is it wrong to give my mother a drug that she would never have voluntarily taken on her own? — Name Withheld
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(no subject)
Sep. 13th, 2024 10:44 amconulyDear Carolyn: My father is ill and wants me to reconcile with my twin sister, who is mentally, physically and financially abusive to me to the point of my cutting her entirely out of my life a couple of years ago. He insists we repair our relationship, which I view as irreparable given her boundary issues and continued abuses. I won’t do it.
But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.
I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.
— Twin
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But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.
I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.
— Twin
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(no subject)
Feb. 13th, 2024 05:24 pmysobel[I think the answer could also have pointed out that grimacing, like the sympathy sorry, is a way of acknowledging that the situation isn't good. It's a normal response!]
Dear Amy: My father is on the far side of a debilitating and eventually terminal neurological disorder. He’s not able to dress himself anymore, his language is mostly gone, and it’s generally sad and depressing all around. My mother is his full-time caregiver, and my siblings and I all live in different states.
I am often asked by friends, extended family, co-workers etc., “How’s your dad doing?” or, “How are your parents?,” especially after I return from a visit home. After years of trying to spin things more positively than truthfully, I’ve been defaulting lately to, “Not good” or “He’s worse; he’ll never be better.” These responses typically make people grimace or apologize. I certainly don’t intend to bring on this response.
My question to you: Is there a better way to answer this question honestly without being a real Debbie Downer? The people asking already know about his condition, so they aren’t expecting sunshine and rainbows, but I know that just because I’ve fully accepted how bad things are doesn’t mean other people want an honest answer from me.
Follow up question: When people apologize regarding his condition, how am I supposed to respond? I usually shrug and say that I’m at peace with the situation, but again, this seems needlessly awkward and often makes me feel (and probably appear) callous.
— Depressing (but not depressed!) Daughter
Daughter: I’m so sorry you are going through this. Do you perceive that statement as an apology? Because it is not. In this context, “I’m sorry” is an expression of commiseration and empathy. Your friends are saying “I’m sorry this is happening.” Because they are. (Occasionally, people delivering tough personal news respond to an “I’m sorry” response by saying, “Why? It’s not your fault,” and this is a dismissive response to a person who is trying to be kind.)
Does telling the truth about your father’s condition make you a “Debbie Downer?” No. “Woe is me, I don’t deserve this, every visit home is a depressing nightmare for me and nobody is stepping up to help” is how Debbie would spin her tale.
You suppose that your local friends and extended family members “don’t want” an honest answer to their polite queries, but I think they do want your honesty, even if the unvarnished truth makes them feel inadequate in the moment. You can encourage further communication (if that’s what you want), not by shrugging, but by saying, “Thank you so much for always asking about my folks. I really appreciate it, even when the news isn’t good.”
Dear Amy: My father is on the far side of a debilitating and eventually terminal neurological disorder. He’s not able to dress himself anymore, his language is mostly gone, and it’s generally sad and depressing all around. My mother is his full-time caregiver, and my siblings and I all live in different states.
I am often asked by friends, extended family, co-workers etc., “How’s your dad doing?” or, “How are your parents?,” especially after I return from a visit home. After years of trying to spin things more positively than truthfully, I’ve been defaulting lately to, “Not good” or “He’s worse; he’ll never be better.” These responses typically make people grimace or apologize. I certainly don’t intend to bring on this response.
My question to you: Is there a better way to answer this question honestly without being a real Debbie Downer? The people asking already know about his condition, so they aren’t expecting sunshine and rainbows, but I know that just because I’ve fully accepted how bad things are doesn’t mean other people want an honest answer from me.
Follow up question: When people apologize regarding his condition, how am I supposed to respond? I usually shrug and say that I’m at peace with the situation, but again, this seems needlessly awkward and often makes me feel (and probably appear) callous.
— Depressing (but not depressed!) Daughter
Daughter: I’m so sorry you are going through this. Do you perceive that statement as an apology? Because it is not. In this context, “I’m sorry” is an expression of commiseration and empathy. Your friends are saying “I’m sorry this is happening.” Because they are. (Occasionally, people delivering tough personal news respond to an “I’m sorry” response by saying, “Why? It’s not your fault,” and this is a dismissive response to a person who is trying to be kind.)
Does telling the truth about your father’s condition make you a “Debbie Downer?” No. “Woe is me, I don’t deserve this, every visit home is a depressing nightmare for me and nobody is stepping up to help” is how Debbie would spin her tale.
You suppose that your local friends and extended family members “don’t want” an honest answer to their polite queries, but I think they do want your honesty, even if the unvarnished truth makes them feel inadequate in the moment. You can encourage further communication (if that’s what you want), not by shrugging, but by saying, “Thank you so much for always asking about my folks. I really appreciate it, even when the news isn’t good.”
Moving Away or Staying Near Family
Sep. 6th, 2022 03:32 pmbeableDear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I live in LA (where I grew up) in a small single-bedroom rented house. Our two young children sleep in our former dining room, and we have two dogs, too. After the harrowing fire season of 2020, we impulsively took a leap and bought (sight unseen) a 12-acre homestead with a three- (the luxury!!!) bedroom house in Maine, in an area I know and love from spending many magical childhood summers there. At the time it felt like an insurance policy against the climate risks of California in an imagined distant future, but as we’ve visited the homestead in the years since our hurried purchase, we’re more and more inclined to move to Maine full time, ideally in the next few years (before our older child starts elementary school).
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My husband and I live in LA (where I grew up) in a small single-bedroom rented house. Our two young children sleep in our former dining room, and we have two dogs, too. After the harrowing fire season of 2020, we impulsively took a leap and bought (sight unseen) a 12-acre homestead with a three- (the luxury!!!) bedroom house in Maine, in an area I know and love from spending many magical childhood summers there. At the time it felt like an insurance policy against the climate risks of California in an imagined distant future, but as we’ve visited the homestead in the years since our hurried purchase, we’re more and more inclined to move to Maine full time, ideally in the next few years (before our older child starts elementary school).
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minoanmissI wanted to compare and contrast these letters.
( Letter One From PayDirt: My Sister Just Cut Off Our Elderly Parents for the Absolute Worst Reason )
( Letter Two from Dear Prudence: My Sister Is Threatening to Cut Me Off Over Participating in a Lesbian Wedding )
( Letter One From PayDirt: My Sister Just Cut Off Our Elderly Parents for the Absolute Worst Reason )
( Letter Two from Dear Prudence: My Sister Is Threatening to Cut Me Off Over Participating in a Lesbian Wedding )
(no subject)
Jun. 27th, 2021 03:28 pmconulyear Carolyn: My husband, "John," is the oldest of three children. His siblings, "Bill" and "Sue," both live where they all were raised. Both parents are in declining health. Over the years, Sue has taken on the lion's share of caring for them. She is a nurse, so a logical person to tend to medical issues, and now works in a high-pressure corporate job in the health-care industry.
Bill and his wife help out when specifically asked, but that is all. We have regularly sent money to Sue to help with expenses as we are more able to do so than she.
Mom and Dad tend to call on Sue, believing her work is less important and demanding than Bill's. Moving them out of their home is not really a possibility. They have recently agreed to have someone help once a week, but now Sue spends time managing her, so while she is relieved of some physical work, she is still involved.
Sue is about to change jobs, and is concerned she will no longer be as flexible as she has been to tend to her parents' needs. She has spoken with Bill and his wife, who have said they will try to help. When I suggested to my husband the three of them get on the phone together to come up with a plan, he told me it "wasn't his problem" and that he had too much else on his mind. Bill's attitude is similar.
I'm just a sister-in-law, so have no real say, obviously. But when I talk with Sue, as I do regularly to provide some emotional support, I can see she is at the end of her rope. She told me recently, in tears, that if she could pay $2,500 (the last amount we contributed to the parents' fund) to be free of her responsibility she would do it in an instant.
I feel terrible that she carries this burden, but don't know how I can help. The family does not communicate well. Years ago, I asked how my mother-in-law would manage financially if my father-in-law died. You'd have thought I was asking if it was okay to kill him. This head-in-the-sand approach may work for my husband and his brother, but it is obviously not working for Sue. Is there anything I can do?
— Frustrated
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Bill and his wife help out when specifically asked, but that is all. We have regularly sent money to Sue to help with expenses as we are more able to do so than she.
Mom and Dad tend to call on Sue, believing her work is less important and demanding than Bill's. Moving them out of their home is not really a possibility. They have recently agreed to have someone help once a week, but now Sue spends time managing her, so while she is relieved of some physical work, she is still involved.
Sue is about to change jobs, and is concerned she will no longer be as flexible as she has been to tend to her parents' needs. She has spoken with Bill and his wife, who have said they will try to help. When I suggested to my husband the three of them get on the phone together to come up with a plan, he told me it "wasn't his problem" and that he had too much else on his mind. Bill's attitude is similar.
I'm just a sister-in-law, so have no real say, obviously. But when I talk with Sue, as I do regularly to provide some emotional support, I can see she is at the end of her rope. She told me recently, in tears, that if she could pay $2,500 (the last amount we contributed to the parents' fund) to be free of her responsibility she would do it in an instant.
I feel terrible that she carries this burden, but don't know how I can help. The family does not communicate well. Years ago, I asked how my mother-in-law would manage financially if my father-in-law died. You'd have thought I was asking if it was okay to kill him. This head-in-the-sand approach may work for my husband and his brother, but it is obviously not working for Sue. Is there anything I can do?
— Frustrated
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