Dear Prudence: My Nephew Stole From Us and Now Wants A Good Reference

[minoanmiss]

Q. Thieving nephew: Q. Thieving nephew: My husband and I hired his 19-year-old nephew to help us with our small business; he stole over $4,000 in petty cash from us over the past year. Our accountant uncovered this and our security tapes proved it. My sister-in-law paid us the money back so we wouldn’t file criminal charges. Her son excused his actions by saying we paid him poorly and he didn’t think we would notice.

He put my husband and me as a work reference after we fired him. I have been in contact with several potential employers; I was honest and told them he stole from us and could not be trusted with a position handling cash. Some of this got back to my sister-in-law, who accused me of “sabotaging” her son. He “paid” his dues and I countered she paid them and nothing in his behavior before or since shows any remorse. I am not going to lie for a thief. It would be unethical for me to not warn future employers about the reality of what they are getting. Now my sister-in-law is screeching to high heaven about me trying to “ruin” her son. My husband is ready to throw his hands up in the air. I don’t think I am doing anything wrong. If he weren’t my nephew, he would be in jail now. Should I keep being honest or just say no comment when these people call? My nephew has no work experience but us.

A: Your nephew needs to stop listing the two of you as references! I get that you’re his only work experience, but if his options are “apply for jobs as an inexperienced 19-year-old” versus “apply for jobs where my only references explain that I stole from them,” then clearly the better choice is to leave you off the résumé. For someone with the nerve to casually steal $4,000 under a security camera, he is astonishingly naïve. That said, your nephew didn’t write to me for advice; you did. It’s interesting that your sister-in-law blamed you rather than her brother for something the two of you did together (namely, told the truth). I think before he throws up his hands, the two of you should have one last talk with her together. “Ozymandias needs to stop listing us as references. We will not lie when people ask us directly about our experience, so he cannot list us as people who can recommend him professionally.” If your SIL interjects with “But how will he find a job without your references?” or any variation thereof, you have only to say, “I don’t know. Ozymandias will have to figure that out.”