For Love or Money: My mom derailed my career. How do I tell my siblings I need a larger share?

[minoanmiss]

For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.

As a minor, I had opportunities in music, even getting offered a recording contract. My mom, wanting me to finish university first, declined the offer. Unfortunately, when I was finally free to make my own choices, the music industry changed, and the opportunities I'd had before were gone. Despite my efforts, I struggled to break through. Now, I'm living paycheck to paycheck, unable to afford the costs needed to advance my music career.

Recently, I faced even greater setbacks. I lost my side income as an Airbnb host due to a name verification issue. This error was due to my mom deciding to raise me by my middle name rather than my legal first name. The emotional stress of this led to me losing my last source of income as well, and now I feel defeated, voiceless, and distrustful of people.

I know I cannot afford to continue feeling sorry for myself and living in fear. I don't want to lay all of this on my mother, but I can't help resenting her decisions over my name and musical career. I'm a 41-year-old man, and I feel powerless over my life. I can't even control the name people call me. I fear I'll be dead or homeless by 50 without a plan and sense of direction.

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I plan to ask my siblings for a larger share of my mother's legacy that I can put toward teaching college. But I'm afraid that since they are all quite successful they won't understand and they won't help me.

How do I broach this with my siblings without hurting our relationship?

Sincerely,

Short-changed by Life

Dear Short-changed,

Reading your letter, I see two separate issues tangled together, leaving you scared and hopeless.

First, there's the issue of your mother. Parent-child relationships are often complicated, and reconciliation isn't guaranteed just because one person in the dynamic dies. Instead, it can be even more difficult because the person still living now has no one to hash things out with, so they must find peace alone.

Second, there's your financial situation and the limited career opportunities you have to fix it. Let's tackle your financial plan first.

I was 9 years old when I set my plans for the future — I'd be a writer. I knew the odds were not in my favor, but like many writers before me, I thought I was the exception. Sure, delusion undergirded much of my confidence. Still, my writing impressed my college professors so much that they read my work aloud in class and annotated my papers with exclamations of delight. I had to be good, right?

Since I'm answering your letter on the stage of a major media outlet, I suppose the answer is yes. But I also have two complete novels accumulating dust because I can't find a publisher. And every single day, I ask myself, "Will this career ever pay?"

I tell you this because I know that as beautiful as a dream can be, it can also be heavy and awkward to hold, and it will certainly keep your hands too full to consider carrying anything else. Sometimes, the best option is to set it down. It could be for a pause or the space to carry something new. And if you're afraid of being homeless or dead by the age of 50, it's time to look for something new.

Remember, shifting to a more practical career option doesn't have to mean giving up music entirely. It just means that for now, it's something you do in your free time. You mention using the money from your siblings for teaching college, which is a solid plan. In the meantime, find a job that keeps you afloat and put together a budget. Living paycheck to paycheck is scary, but you're still living. As long as you are making moves for a better future, that's enough for now.

I also want to talk about your relationship with your mom. I imagine how I would feel if I'd been offered a publishing deal as a teenager, only for my mom to say no on my behalf. The resentment you feel must be intense. And then, when you're already bitter, for another one of her choices to rob you of your backup plan, well, forgiveness must feel impossible.

But that's the thing with bitterness and resentment: Forgiveness is the only cure. Forgiveness is tricky because when you've been wronged, it feels deeply unfair to do the work of forgiveness on top of everything else.

You said you don't want to blame all your troubles on her, yet it seems you can't help it. So, blame her. Lay all of your broken dreams at her feet. And then, forgive her. Put the past behind you where it belongs, and face forward. It's time to take ownership of your life.

You do this by making your own choices. Choosing to switch your career, change your name, and forgive are all ways you can take your power back.

When you ask your siblings for a larger share of the inheritance money, be direct, honest, and confident. You have every right to ask, and they have every right to say no. Whatever they decide, accept it with grace.

You asked me how to request a larger portion of the inheritance from your siblings without damaging your relationships. I suggest avoiding any allusion to your mother owing you. That hurt is yours, and they are unlikely to share your perspective. Instead, lay out your plan for your future. And remember, they're much more likely to believe in you if they can tell you believe in yourself.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Comments

[ambyr]

Is the mother actually, at this point in time, dead? Because he says this nowhere in the letter as printed, and "I plan to ask my siblings for a larger share of my mother's legacy" could be a long-range plan. This reads to me like spinning future fantasies, not coming up with immediate actions.

[lannamichaels]

Yeah that was my immediate question, too. If the mom is still alive, this is a weird question. If the mom is dead... who is the executor of the estate? Because it's probably not this guy, who blames all the problems in his life on his mom.

[cereta]

That was my first question.

[michelel72]

I'm starting to suspect that she's not dead yet, but that he's fantasizing about the potential windfall when she does. (I almost would have said I suspect he's potentially planning to speed that along, but this isn't a guy who passes his initiative rolls.)

[movingfinger]

Of course, it's a certainty that the thwarted childhood musical career would have been a huge success and incredibly lucrative, so that later he would never have written an advice columnist about his mother ruining his life by allowing him to travel for nine months of the year doing gigs as a child...

I'm confused about how his mother's decision to call him by his middle name has caused him, a 41-year-old adult, to have difficulties, because he could have changed his name or used his legal first name at any time after age 18. But he seems more focused on blaming her for his setbacks than on leading his own life.

[mrissa]

Yeah, my mom calls me Punk and Cookie and a million other things that have no bearing on my legal or professional life. Also my grandmother has gone by her middle name socially all her life and has zero problems switching into a legal context--if she needs someone to verify her identity, she picks a friend or family member who knows that Firstname Usedname Lastname is her, problem solved. Unless you go into this guy's letter with the preexisting belief that everything is his mom's fault, it really doesn't come out with that answer.

[dissectionist]

Yep. If your name is A B C and you use B C, and somewhere wanted A C, you just show documentation that your name is A B C and explain you use your middle name. It isn’t difficult. I think this dude has missing things that happened.

[castiron]

I've had at least two coworkers who went by their middle names. It's not exactly a career limiter.

For that matter, my dad didn't learn until he enlisted in the Army that the name he'd been called all his life was his middle name rather than his first name. Hasn't caused him any trouble as far as I can tell.

The only way I can see this being a problem is if LW genuinely didn't know his legal first name -- and in that case, that'd be a sign of bigger problems, like LW's never seen his own birth certificate or Social Security card.

[oursin]

Does this guy really think that teaching college is going to be a secure and remunerative career? Because this is so not my impression of the way things are these days.

[nineveh_uk]

I read it as going to college to study (school) teaching, rather than planning a career in HE. But I may be being over-generous.

[michelel72]

I read it as going to school to learn to become a teacher, which ... is seldom if ever a lucrative (or even self-supporting, in some districts) career.

[katiedid717]

Does anyone else want to tell this guy to grow up, or am I just an asshole? Maybe I'm reminded a bit too much of men I've dated who refused to take any responsibility for their own life decisions or personal deficiencies.

Also, I have a friend who has been going by her middle name since high school; she initially planned to swap her first and middle names after getting married, but between realizing the first/middle swap would have to go through probate court and the start of the pandemic, she just...never got around to it. This is like her legal name being Jane Sarah Jones but her frequently going by Sarah Smith. She has not had ANY issues with this - she has government documents that show her middle name is Sarah and a marriage certificate showing Jane Jones is married to John Smith, and there's never been a time where that was insufficient to prove identity.

[minoanmiss]

TBH I posted this here so I could enjoy the clever mockery I knew this comm would heap on his Oh Poor Me attitude. grin

[azurelunatic]

I had a falling out with my legal name, and now I introduce to people interacting with my medical records like: "Hi, I'm A.J. Lunatic; it'll show up as Aloysius."

To be fair, I did have a problem with some kind of PayPal verification. Which I solved with a combination of a) customer service, and b) tears. (It helps that I come off as a woman and I was Clearly Trying To Do Things Right, and was very apologetic and baffled.)

[cereta]

Something does not pass the sniff test, here. I can go along with the music career being derailed by mom, but as someone who goes by her middle name (and not the middle name I was born with), something more than mom calling LW by his middle name happened with the Air BnB issue. Maybe it was a documentation issue, but I doubt very much that it was one LW had zero control over.

[harpers_child]

I feel like there are some Missing Reasons here. We're getting a very edited version of events and things aren't lining up. Dude has been an adult for 20 years.

[conuly]

Does LW intend to use his share of the inheritance on therapy?