Ask Amy: Father upset by stepfather's rage

[cereta]

Dear Amy: I am a dad with two children, ages 11 and 8.

Three months ago, we were at my mother and stepfather’s house for a family cookout.

My 8-year-old son was throwing “pops” on the ground (you know — those firecracker things that pop on concrete). Well, apparently, my stepfather became angry and lunged at my son, picking him up by the throat, screaming in his face and throwing him onto the ground.

This happened in the front yard, and all of the other adults were in the back yard. My daughter and my niece came running to the adults, crying, “Grandpa’s choking ‘Nick’!”

The only witnesses were children aging from 8 to 14, but they all had the same story.

When I came running into the front yard, my stepdad was hovering over my 50-pound son, two inches from his face, while my son was on his back, lying in the grass, crying and trembling. (I have witnessed his angry outbursts in the past toward the kids over petty things, but I’ve always been in the same room to defuse it.)

My stepfather went to jail that night and was released two days later.

We haven’t spoken since. He sent me a card in the mail two months after, with a short apology, but I’m not convinced that he thinks he’s done anything wrong. I’m having trouble moving forward.

I feel angry more than hurt. My kids say they don’t want to see him. Nor do my sister and her family, who were also there. I know it’s not fair to my mom, who is stuck in the middle.

How does a family move on from this?

Upset

Upset: I agree that the children in the family should not have personal contact with your stepfather, unless another adult is with them. You and your sister could explain to them that you are concerned about his ability to control his temper and are hoping that he will get help for his rage.

Your mother is not stuck in the middle. She can spend time with you and your children on her own. Her husband is an explosively violent person, and you should try to discern if she is safe. Don’t abandon her.

You should insist that your stepfather receive professional counseling to manage his rage. He should apologize to your son, in writing, admitting that what he did was wrong and asking for forgiveness.

Don’t get stuck on the concept of forgiveness and moving on, but on healing — for you and your children. Yes, I believe it is possible for your family to recover, but only if everyone (especially the abuser) rises responsibly to the ongoing challenge.

Comments

[cereta]

I don't even know where to start.

1. Forget whether an adult is present: those kids should not have to be in the presence of this man at all. Later, if they express a desire to, then they can discuss terms and conditions, but they have said they don't want to be in his presence, so they shouldn't be. (Note: I might normally give Amy the benefit of the doubt that of course she meant that, but there's a lot of squishiness in general in her response.)

2. I would really like to know what "was released two days later" means. Bail? No charges being pressed? If the latter, who made that decision? Note: I am gratified that someone at least called the cops, although the passive voice is doing a lot of heavy lifting there, too.

3. A note? To an 8-year-old? Yeah, that's really going to make him feel safe.

[ashbet]

They should never have to see this guy again, unless they ask to.

[jadelennox]

I would really like to know what "was released two days later" means. Bail? No charges being pressed?

I also am curious about this one.

A couple possibilities:

Some places will do a 24-48 hour hold in DV situations (which may or may not be technically legal), if they feel that there's not due cause or evidence for a charge, but they want to cool down the situation. (Whether this works is a matter of debate.) I've only ever heard of it in intimate partner abuse, though, not with assault on a pre-adolescent kid.

It's also possible that charges might have been in the works or under consideration, but people are supposed to be released from jail in the U.S. barring a dangerousness hearing, and since the kids don't live with him, it's constitutionally correct to release him while they investigate. SCOTUS has been letting cops ignore this since basically forever, though, so I bet it's not this.

[minoanmiss]

I have been finding out in my researches that emotional lability including rage can come with aging. Otoh it’s extra hard to convince someone angey to see their doctor because they’re angry. And this is really not the LWs problem. Just an aside

[adrian_turtle]

It's good to know that aging (or various kinds of illness) can make a person more emotionally labile, and that can contribute to anger in someone who used to be even-tempered. That's not what LW is talking about. His stepfather had angry outbursts for a long time, repeatedly aiming them at children.

Something else I just noticed is "the only witnesses were children." You don't need witnesses for a momentary loss of temper followed by "OMG, I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me, are you ok, kiddo?"

[laurajv]

"unless another adult is with them" gtfo Amy. NOT AT ALL.

[full_metal_ox]

Note that the LW’s account doesn’t mention any of the other adults present intervening.

[fox]

None of the other adults were any more present than the LW was until the girls came running to get them.

For sure I'd never let such a person near my kids again, and I agree with shirou downthread that I'd be making it clear to my mom that she could come stay with me any time she needed to if she wasn't safe at home.

[ethelmay]

Such weird phrasing about "He went to jail." Not "we called the cops." He just - like, happened to go to jail that same night?

[topaz_eyes]

My guess is that LW called the cops, Or maybe one of the older kids did. LW's using the passive voice to distance himself because it's still too emotionally fraught.

[conuly]

"He went" is not the passive voice. It's active. Passive voice would be the decidedly weird "The jail was went to by him".

[topaz_eyes]

I think the point is that months later, LW remains emotionally shaken because his stepfather physically assaulted LW's child. If I were writing a similar letter to an advice columnist, I would be trying very hard to put emotional distance into the letter too. ("My stepfather went to jail that night" is an emotionally distant word choice that also elides the family's actions that put him there. The second half of the sentence, "and was released two days later", is definitely passive voice.)

[conuly]

Yeah, but I honestly don't think that any part of that sentence sounds odd. It all sounds exactly like the most neutral and natural phrasing that anybody would pick. He went to jail, he was released later.

[redbird]

"He was taken to jail" or "he was put in jail" is passive voice, and would have been unremarkable. "He went to jail" is weird because it sounds like the person went on his own (rather than being arrested and jailed).

Now I'm wondering whether there's a reason that "he went to jail" sounds a little odd, even though "my stepfather went to prison" wouldn't. Idiom and set phrases can be weird, I guess.

[conuly]

*shrugs*

It doesn't sound odd or unidiomatic to me at all.

[conuly]

Meh, I'm not seeing that as weird phrasing. I think that when you state that another person went to jail after an assault the fact that somebody or other must have called the police is so obvious that it's hardly worth mentioning. I find this phrasing entirely commonplace and idiomatic.

[shirou]

The only real question I see concerns LW's mother, who it appears has remained married. Is she standing by, enabling, and excusing her violent and abusive husband? Is she herself a victim and feeling trapped? Both?

LW should feel no compunction to forgive his stepfather and should never, ever allow the man near his children again, but he should try to figure out what's going on with mom.

[cimorene]

Well, that response was very Yikes, and I have to admit I was a little surprised that she got it wrong, even though it is Amy, and at least on paper, one should always expect her to be wrong. I really thought the, you know, cultural zeitgiest/conversation/current level of awareness around abuse and parental authority and faaaaaamily and all that stuff had progressed beyond... THAT mess... to "abused children obviously shouldn't have to see the abuser if they don't want to" even in the popular consciousness. Even all the way down to the Amies of society.

Guess not though!

[topaz_eyes]

I've noticed a shift in the overall type of advice given recently. Not just Amy, but other columnists like Care & Feeding or Dear Prudence who used to be fairly reliable. They seem to be more lenient now about tolerating questionable behaviour than they used to be. Almost like it's shifting backwards. Or maybe it's just me.

This letter makes it clear, those kids are not safe around the grandfather even with an adult around. The grandfather imho shouldn't be around them at all, unless/until he's undergone medical assessment and treatment if needed--and even then only under adult supervision.

[redbird]

That "the only witnesses were children aging from 8 to 14, but they all had the same story" is weird enough that I suspect someone has been trying to convince the LW that nothing serious happened, and that the children who were in the room at the time are exaggerating if not dishonest.

If that's coming from anyone other than the stepfather, LW should take a close look at the person who is pushing "they're only kids, you can't take their complaints seriously."

[neotoma]

It happened outside on the front lawn -- which meant any of the neighbors could have seen a grown man attack an eight-year-old.

I suspect you're right about someone trying to convince LW that nothing serious happened, but it speaks to how dangerous the step-father is that he felt fine about attacking a child outside where anyone could see.