minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
minoanmiss) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2025-06-09 09:39 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-06-09 09:39 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: Wedding Toast Blunder
Help! My Husband’s Best Man Made a Stunning Admission During His Wedding Speech. I Might Never Get Over It.
My partner of five years and I just got married after two years of extensive wedding planning and preparation. We had a very large guest list with a variety of needs that needed to be taken into account, such as international travel and physical limitations, and I feel grateful that my husband was very intentional about making sure the labor of wedding planning was split as equitably as possible between the two of us. We agreed that we wanted to write our own vows because we thought it was more meaningful than using traditional ones. As a self-admitted perfectionist and English major, I spent an immense amount of time thinking about and writing mine, and while I wouldn’t hold my husband to impossible standards, I was really looking forward to hearing what he wrote.
At the ceremony, things went off without a hitch. The vows he wrote were beautiful and made me tear up. During the reception, however, his best man gave a (I believe slightly drunk) toast where he mentioned my husband using ChatGPT to write his vows. Everyone laughed, including me, until he emphasized that it wasn’t a joke and that my husband actually did use ChatGPT to write them at the last minute, apparently to emphasize how lucky he was to find such a “creative and talented” wife since he is “lacking” in that department. My husband was laughing nervously, and I was taken aback. As soon as the toasts were over, I ran to the restroom and cried, feeling extremely hurt that not only did he use AI to write something so intimate, but mostly that he presumably would not have told me had this not been revealed during the toast. He followed me to the bathroom and apologized, saying that he felt too overwhelmed to write them himself, but he didn’t want to disappoint me. I told him that I didn’t want an apology from him but just wanted to survive the rest of the reception, which we did, although the entire time I was distracted and hurt by this situation.
That night, we continued to fight about it, and I told him that I wish he had just been honest with me and that his lying was far more hurtful to me than not writing his own vows. His best man texted me and apologized, saying that he assumed I knew he used ChatGPT and that he wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise. This was even more upsetting to me, as apparently, his friends are also comfortable lying on his behalf. Days later, my husband is still apologizing, and while part of me wants to move on, another part of me can’t stop thinking about his dishonesty. I’ve asked him whether he ever planned on telling me or if he would have taken that secret to the grave, and all he can tell me is that he “doesn’t know.” Am I overthinking this? I feel like I have every right to be upset, and I worry about what other things he might keep from me in the future, but I genuinely love him and want to move on—I just don’t know how. Help!
—Vexed About Vows
Dear Vexed About Vows,
Well, honey, you asked, so I’m going to tell you: You are WAY overthinking this. Weddings are totally overwhelming for all of us. Your husband was overwhelmed and used AI to write his vows (although, it sounds like he did a good job with that since you liked them when you heard them!). You were overwhelmed, and crushed with the news that ChatGPT was a henceforth unnoticed presence at your wedding. If anyone deserves some flak here, it’s your husband’s friend, who really should have known better than to include that fact in his toast, drunken or not. Who was that going to make feel good?
Advertisement
I don’t know why, but wedding toasts are eternally fraught. At my first wedding, the best man—who was not only one of my then-husband’s best friends but one of mine—gave a toast that made it sound like he didn’t know me at all. There was one line about me. To be fair, he also made it sound like my husband was dead; it was a eulogy more than a toast. Did I carry around anger and disappointment about this for a long time? Yeah, I did. My feelings were really hurt, and I was embarrassed. I think, if people were really honest about their weddings, you’d hear a lot of stories about toasts and comments that tarnished what we all wish were pure days and nights of celebration, but so often are not.
But back to you: Your husband, who is not an English major or perfectionist as far as I can tell, needed some help writing something that articulated his feelings better than he felt he could. Based on his best man’s actions, I wouldn’t have gone to him for help, either! So, there is our fraught companion, ChatGPT, offering its services. His heart was in the right place. Even more, he apologized; a lesser man would have been defensive and somehow made this your fault, I promise.
I am sorry that you will have this unsavory memory from your wedding day, but I promise, you aren’t alone. I am glad that it sounds like you have a thoughtful partner who holds you in such high regard that he enlisted help, even if it was from a robot. These are the times we live in! I can promise that married life is going to throw much tougher moments your way. So accept his apology, delete the photos of the best man giving his toast, and pick the one picture from your wedding you like the best and make it your home screen. The more you see you and your partner looking happy on your wedding day, the more the stupid best man speech will recede from memory.
My partner of five years and I just got married after two years of extensive wedding planning and preparation. We had a very large guest list with a variety of needs that needed to be taken into account, such as international travel and physical limitations, and I feel grateful that my husband was very intentional about making sure the labor of wedding planning was split as equitably as possible between the two of us. We agreed that we wanted to write our own vows because we thought it was more meaningful than using traditional ones. As a self-admitted perfectionist and English major, I spent an immense amount of time thinking about and writing mine, and while I wouldn’t hold my husband to impossible standards, I was really looking forward to hearing what he wrote.
At the ceremony, things went off without a hitch. The vows he wrote were beautiful and made me tear up. During the reception, however, his best man gave a (I believe slightly drunk) toast where he mentioned my husband using ChatGPT to write his vows. Everyone laughed, including me, until he emphasized that it wasn’t a joke and that my husband actually did use ChatGPT to write them at the last minute, apparently to emphasize how lucky he was to find such a “creative and talented” wife since he is “lacking” in that department. My husband was laughing nervously, and I was taken aback. As soon as the toasts were over, I ran to the restroom and cried, feeling extremely hurt that not only did he use AI to write something so intimate, but mostly that he presumably would not have told me had this not been revealed during the toast. He followed me to the bathroom and apologized, saying that he felt too overwhelmed to write them himself, but he didn’t want to disappoint me. I told him that I didn’t want an apology from him but just wanted to survive the rest of the reception, which we did, although the entire time I was distracted and hurt by this situation.
That night, we continued to fight about it, and I told him that I wish he had just been honest with me and that his lying was far more hurtful to me than not writing his own vows. His best man texted me and apologized, saying that he assumed I knew he used ChatGPT and that he wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise. This was even more upsetting to me, as apparently, his friends are also comfortable lying on his behalf. Days later, my husband is still apologizing, and while part of me wants to move on, another part of me can’t stop thinking about his dishonesty. I’ve asked him whether he ever planned on telling me or if he would have taken that secret to the grave, and all he can tell me is that he “doesn’t know.” Am I overthinking this? I feel like I have every right to be upset, and I worry about what other things he might keep from me in the future, but I genuinely love him and want to move on—I just don’t know how. Help!
—Vexed About Vows
Dear Vexed About Vows,
Well, honey, you asked, so I’m going to tell you: You are WAY overthinking this. Weddings are totally overwhelming for all of us. Your husband was overwhelmed and used AI to write his vows (although, it sounds like he did a good job with that since you liked them when you heard them!). You were overwhelmed, and crushed with the news that ChatGPT was a henceforth unnoticed presence at your wedding. If anyone deserves some flak here, it’s your husband’s friend, who really should have known better than to include that fact in his toast, drunken or not. Who was that going to make feel good?
Advertisement
I don’t know why, but wedding toasts are eternally fraught. At my first wedding, the best man—who was not only one of my then-husband’s best friends but one of mine—gave a toast that made it sound like he didn’t know me at all. There was one line about me. To be fair, he also made it sound like my husband was dead; it was a eulogy more than a toast. Did I carry around anger and disappointment about this for a long time? Yeah, I did. My feelings were really hurt, and I was embarrassed. I think, if people were really honest about their weddings, you’d hear a lot of stories about toasts and comments that tarnished what we all wish were pure days and nights of celebration, but so often are not.
But back to you: Your husband, who is not an English major or perfectionist as far as I can tell, needed some help writing something that articulated his feelings better than he felt he could. Based on his best man’s actions, I wouldn’t have gone to him for help, either! So, there is our fraught companion, ChatGPT, offering its services. His heart was in the right place. Even more, he apologized; a lesser man would have been defensive and somehow made this your fault, I promise.
I am sorry that you will have this unsavory memory from your wedding day, but I promise, you aren’t alone. I am glad that it sounds like you have a thoughtful partner who holds you in such high regard that he enlisted help, even if it was from a robot. These are the times we live in! I can promise that married life is going to throw much tougher moments your way. So accept his apology, delete the photos of the best man giving his toast, and pick the one picture from your wedding you like the best and make it your home screen. The more you see you and your partner looking happy on your wedding day, the more the stupid best man speech will recede from memory.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
Her new husband can't even say "I won't tell you any more 'little' lies in the future when I don't want to disappoint you - I know now that it hurts worse. If something like this comes up again, we'll talk it over together; I won't sneak around and cover it up." He just tells her he "doesn't know" if he was going to keep the secret forever. He's sorry about being caught and facing consequences, but not resolved to tell her the truth from now on.
It's not about ChatGPT or wedding planning or any of the specifics. It's about the fact that he knew she'd hate what he did, and he did it anyway, and lied, because he didn't want to tell her to her face that he wasn't actually into the vow-writing the way she was. That's the precedent he wants to set for conflict-resolution in their marriage.
How many other things in their life together will he unilaterally decide aren't as big a deal as she thinks they are, and tell a conveniently minimizing lie about so she won't be upset with him? That's what she now has to wonder.
no subject
Perhaps they can both learn from the experience and go on. Weddings often bring out the worst in people.
But as I have been divorced three times, my opinion of the immense pressure and expense that goes into those huge elaborate perfect weddings may be skewed.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
I feel like this could have been a cute story where the guy says something like I know I can't write as well as you, beloved, so I got some help from ChatGPT and these vows really do express how I feel about you.
But instead he didn't feel able to tell her and she says herself she's more wound up now about whether he ever would have told her, and this does not bode well for being able to have productive conversations about rather harder topics in the future.
no subject
would feel like a rejection / "can't be bothered".
I've never wanted to get married (I don't mean that I've never wanted to get married to a specific person, I've never wanted to get married ***in general***) but if I imagine myself in LW's shoes I would feel pretty upset - and I don't even believe in marriage/weddings!
no subject
no subject
That said, the wife here needs to step back and assess herself and her great pride in how good she is at words, and the husband should probably distance himself a little from his bro culture. And never, ever use Chat GPT.
no subject
no subject
Also, they spent TWO YEARS planning this wedding (why do people do that to themseleves), she probably wound herself up to a fever pitch of emotion higher than Everest. No wonder something relatively small caused her to crash So Hard.
no subject
TBF I'd sympathise if LW was like "I didn't realize I'd married someone who uses ChatGPT!"
no subject
no subject
no subject
Like, in general, much less for wedding vows!
It would be an indicator of a potentially serious incompatibility, given that I’m not exactly quiet about how I feel about genAI and what it’s doing to society and the environment… not to mention that I’m an artist, which means that my work has almost certainly been scraped!