conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2023-03-20 02:47 am

(no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I need some help navigating a situation in my blended family. My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.

The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June. Each student only gets five tickets. My stepdaughter wants her tickets to go to her mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and father. I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony. To her credit, my stepdaughter called me herself to explain the situation, but the conversation went sideways. I was taken aback when she said that she wanted the people closest to her at the ceremony. I do not think it is fair that I am being treated as less than her stepfather or grandmother. I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect. She became distraught and ended the phone call.

I have proposed a number of solutions to my husband: both her stepfather and I can refrain from going; her grandmother could take a step back and allow the parents and stepparents to attend together; my younger stepdaughter could skip the ceremony and join us afterwards. My husband is reluctant to push the issue and has asked me not to make him choose. My stepdaughter is hoping to procure a ticket that one of her classmates will not have use for, but I’m not sure how to proceed if she can’t get an extra ticket. I want to preserve the relationships going forward, but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.

— Graduation Blues


Dear Graduation Blues,

I don’t really think this is about believing in boundaries or not excluding anyone. Indeed, you have crossed a few boundaries here, and now you are proposing that your stepdaughter’s stepfather, her sister, or her grandmother—the people that she spends most of her time with and therefore probably does feel closest to, like it or not—be excluded. Your feelings are hurt (which I get), so you have chosen to lash out at your stepdaughter and pressure your husband to override her wishes. But at the end of the day, there are only five tickets, and it’s up to your stepdaughter who gets them. I truly see no good reason to continue to make the whole situation even more wrenching and stressful for her, a teenager who is just trying to graduate and celebrate her big day. If no sixth ticket is forthcoming, I think you need to stand down and accept her decision.

You can be in your feelings about this all you want! It sucks to feel left out and it’s fine to be hurt over it. But you have a choice in how you deal with your feelings. I’m really stuck on the fact that you felt okay throwing school tuition and summer camp expenses (?) in your stepdaughter’s face during your phone call with her, thereby implying that she’s insufficiently grateful to you for … what? Letting her father fulfill his responsibilities as a parent after you were married? As his daughter, she was entitled to his continued financial support regardless. Your husband and his ex presumably decided that paying for her private education and activities was the right course, and it’s really A Choice for you to try to make her feel guilty about that now. If you truly care about fairness and respect—and if you want to improve your relationship with your stepdaughter—I think you ought to apologize for how you’ve treated her over this graduation ticket situation, and try to do better going forward.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/graduation-ticket-care-and-feeding.html
cimorene: cartoony drawing of a woman's head in profile giving dubious side-eye (Default)

[personal profile] cimorene 2023-03-20 07:30 am (UTC)(link)
This letter is worth a laugh at how truly ludicrous this woman's arguments are, but I can't help feeling quite sorry for the kids. Yikes. This isn't someone who is going to be fun and easy to get along with through the rest of life's milestones.
lethe1: (ad: whine)

[personal profile] lethe1 2023-03-20 11:05 am (UTC)(link)
Wow, LW, wow.
minoanmiss: Minoan lady holding a bright white star (Lady With Star)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2023-03-20 11:42 am (UTC)(link)
I admit to some bias due to unfortunate past conversations, but I think it's a special kind of out of line to tell a kid "we spent so much money on you" as if it were a favor you didn't send them to the mines.

LW, what does this graduation mean to you? High school graduations are bloody boring. I spent a decade putting them together, I should know. I don't think this is really about the glory of the experience, but about some kind of family pecking order.
lilysea: Serious (Default)

[personal profile] lilysea 2023-03-21 01:58 am (UTC)(link)
Yes, if parents can't afford private schools without financial hardship or resentment, they should send their kids to public schools.

Doing something and then resenting it is not fair to the kids.
cereta: (babystsp)

[personal profile] cereta 2023-03-20 12:35 pm (UTC)(link)
This is a new and special answer to the question, "How can I make someone else's life event all about me?"
misbegotten: Wonder Woman facepalm (DC WW Oy)

[personal profile] misbegotten 2023-03-20 01:58 pm (UTC)(link)
but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone

Except Grandma and her sister, right? Sheesh. The song here is "Me! Me! Memememememe!"
castiron: cartoony sketch of owl (Default)

[personal profile] castiron 2023-03-20 03:03 pm (UTC)(link)
Hey LW, here's some simple math. Stepdaughter has five tickets. She's using four of them for the family members she lives with who have provided day-to-day support. She's using the fifth for her father. No more tickets.

If you had said to her "hey, if one of your classmates has extra tickets, I would love to be there to cheer for you on your special day", that'd be one thing. Saying that you should be prioritized over her sister or grandmother? Yeah, no.
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2023-03-20 11:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Exactly.
topaz_eyes: (kickass Leela)

[personal profile] topaz_eyes 2023-03-20 03:37 pm (UTC)(link)
I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.

I don't think LW understands the meaning of the term "boundaries" here, or who gets to set them.
movingfinger: (Default)

[personal profile] movingfinger 2023-03-20 06:11 pm (UTC)(link)
All this graceless drama about high school graduation????

She's not getting the Nobel Prize. She's not being sworn in as President. She's not even taking a combined MD-PhD in I Cured Cancer. It's high school.

At least these kids know what they'll be dealing with going forward. I hope no extra ticket appears.
feast_of_regrets: Person stands in a swing over water. Text reads family life is empty. (Family Life is Empty)

[personal profile] feast_of_regrets 2023-03-20 06:59 pm (UTC)(link)
So many 'family life with teens has gone badly' letters would be rendered absolutely moot if more LWs could just remember that they are supposed to be the mature adult in the conversation. LW is lucky her stepdaughter is still speaking to her. (For that matter, she's probably lucky her husband is still speaking to her.)

The response here is outrageously great and on point.
shirou: (cloud)

[personal profile] shirou 2023-03-20 08:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Congrats to LW for showing her stepdaughter that she absolutely made the right call on whom to invite and whom not.
green_grrl: (Default)

[personal profile] green_grrl 2023-03-21 04:23 pm (UTC)(link)
“I should be treated the same or better than stepfather,” you know, the guy who helps parent her day in and day out. Uh huh, sure.