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Dear Care and Feeding,
I need some help navigating a situation in my blended family. My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.
The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June. Each student only gets five tickets. My stepdaughter wants her tickets to go to her mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and father. I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony. To her credit, my stepdaughter called me herself to explain the situation, but the conversation went sideways. I was taken aback when she said that she wanted the people closest to her at the ceremony. I do not think it is fair that I am being treated as less than her stepfather or grandmother. I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect. She became distraught and ended the phone call.
I have proposed a number of solutions to my husband: both her stepfather and I can refrain from going; her grandmother could take a step back and allow the parents and stepparents to attend together; my younger stepdaughter could skip the ceremony and join us afterwards. My husband is reluctant to push the issue and has asked me not to make him choose. My stepdaughter is hoping to procure a ticket that one of her classmates will not have use for, but I’m not sure how to proceed if she can’t get an extra ticket. I want to preserve the relationships going forward, but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.
— Graduation Blues
Dear Graduation Blues,
I don’t really think this is about believing in boundaries or not excluding anyone. Indeed, you have crossed a few boundaries here, and now you are proposing that your stepdaughter’s stepfather, her sister, or her grandmother—the people that she spends most of her time with and therefore probably does feel closest to, like it or not—be excluded. Your feelings are hurt (which I get), so you have chosen to lash out at your stepdaughter and pressure your husband to override her wishes. But at the end of the day, there are only five tickets, and it’s up to your stepdaughter who gets them. I truly see no good reason to continue to make the whole situation even more wrenching and stressful for her, a teenager who is just trying to graduate and celebrate her big day. If no sixth ticket is forthcoming, I think you need to stand down and accept her decision.
You can be in your feelings about this all you want! It sucks to feel left out and it’s fine to be hurt over it. But you have a choice in how you deal with your feelings. I’m really stuck on the fact that you felt okay throwing school tuition and summer camp expenses (?) in your stepdaughter’s face during your phone call with her, thereby implying that she’s insufficiently grateful to you for … what? Letting her father fulfill his responsibilities as a parent after you were married? As his daughter, she was entitled to his continued financial support regardless. Your husband and his ex presumably decided that paying for her private education and activities was the right course, and it’s really A Choice for you to try to make her feel guilty about that now. If you truly care about fairness and respect—and if you want to improve your relationship with your stepdaughter—I think you ought to apologize for how you’ve treated her over this graduation ticket situation, and try to do better going forward.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/graduation-ticket-care-and-feeding.html
I need some help navigating a situation in my blended family. My husband has two daughters (14 and 17) from a previous marriage. The original marriage ended when the girls were toddlers. His ex-wife remarried five years later. My husband and I married when the girls were 10 and 13 after a whirlwind romance. We had to move out of state for my job shortly thereafter. The girls’ primary residence has been with their mother, stepfather, and grandmother. Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of. I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.
The issue is with the eldest child’s high school graduation, which will be in June. Each student only gets five tickets. My stepdaughter wants her tickets to go to her mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and father. I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony. To her credit, my stepdaughter called me herself to explain the situation, but the conversation went sideways. I was taken aback when she said that she wanted the people closest to her at the ceremony. I do not think it is fair that I am being treated as less than her stepfather or grandmother. I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect. She became distraught and ended the phone call.
I have proposed a number of solutions to my husband: both her stepfather and I can refrain from going; her grandmother could take a step back and allow the parents and stepparents to attend together; my younger stepdaughter could skip the ceremony and join us afterwards. My husband is reluctant to push the issue and has asked me not to make him choose. My stepdaughter is hoping to procure a ticket that one of her classmates will not have use for, but I’m not sure how to proceed if she can’t get an extra ticket. I want to preserve the relationships going forward, but I also want to make sure my husband and I are maintaining appropriate boundaries regarding not excluding anyone.
— Graduation Blues
Dear Graduation Blues,
I don’t really think this is about believing in boundaries or not excluding anyone. Indeed, you have crossed a few boundaries here, and now you are proposing that your stepdaughter’s stepfather, her sister, or her grandmother—the people that she spends most of her time with and therefore probably does feel closest to, like it or not—be excluded. Your feelings are hurt (which I get), so you have chosen to lash out at your stepdaughter and pressure your husband to override her wishes. But at the end of the day, there are only five tickets, and it’s up to your stepdaughter who gets them. I truly see no good reason to continue to make the whole situation even more wrenching and stressful for her, a teenager who is just trying to graduate and celebrate her big day. If no sixth ticket is forthcoming, I think you need to stand down and accept her decision.
You can be in your feelings about this all you want! It sucks to feel left out and it’s fine to be hurt over it. But you have a choice in how you deal with your feelings. I’m really stuck on the fact that you felt okay throwing school tuition and summer camp expenses (?) in your stepdaughter’s face during your phone call with her, thereby implying that she’s insufficiently grateful to you for … what? Letting her father fulfill his responsibilities as a parent after you were married? As his daughter, she was entitled to his continued financial support regardless. Your husband and his ex presumably decided that paying for her private education and activities was the right course, and it’s really A Choice for you to try to make her feel guilty about that now. If you truly care about fairness and respect—and if you want to improve your relationship with your stepdaughter—I think you ought to apologize for how you’ve treated her over this graduation ticket situation, and try to do better going forward.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/graduation-ticket-care-and-feeding.html
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Initially, they would both come and stay with us in the summers, but those extended visits have dwindled as they expressed interest in spending their summers engaged in sporting activities and at camp, which we have been supportive of.
Yeah, I just bet you've been supportive of their decision to go to camp instead of staying with you two. Why are you sticking this line in your letter like it makes you look good?
I mean, look. I'm sure those two girls really did want to go to camp. But they probably also wanted a father who gave half a damn whether he saw them any given year or not.
I would be left in a hotel room to celebrate with them at dinner after the ceremony.
Well, sounds like you guys can afford a high quality of hotel room, but if it bugs you so much, don't stay in the hotel room. Go to the movies, or the pool, or whatever. Or stay home and sulk for all I care.
I pointed out that her father continued to provide support above and beyond what he was required to even after we married (private school, camps, etc.) and that our household should be treated with equal respect.
Wow. Just, fucking wow.
I have always had what I would consider a friendly relationship with both girls.
Yeah, well, it's a graduation, not a wedding. You can invite everybody with whom you have merely a friendly relationship to your wedding, because you can have as many tickets as you like to your own big special day. For a graduation, she only gets five tickets.
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She also has one less ticket than the number of people she'd ideally like to invite. So she's inviting her mother, her erstwhile stepmother, her sibling, and her dad.
She did not invite me, even though I definitely have a closer relationship to her than the stepmom, because I've made it very clear over the years that I hate graduations, only went to my own high school graduation under duress, and still kinda resent the fact that I had to spend several hours under the hot sun listening to adult speakers go on and on and on about 9/11 when I could've been at home reading. I mean, I was reading anyway, but at home I would have been more comfortable.
(She did double check with me that I am wholly sincere in that opinion. I double checked with her that she is happy not inviting me - of course if she really wanted me there I'd go and I wouldn't complain! I'd read a book, though. There are limits to what I'll do for her, and that's the limit. I'll sit several hours in a room, but I won't do it without a book.)
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LW, what does this graduation mean to you? High school graduations are bloody boring. I spent a decade putting them together, I should know. I don't think this is really about the glory of the experience, but about some kind of family pecking order.
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Doing something and then resenting it is not fair to the kids.
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Except Grandma and her sister, right? Sheesh. The song here is "Me! Me! Memememememe!"
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If you had said to her "hey, if one of your classmates has extra tickets, I would love to be there to cheer for you on your special day", that'd be one thing. Saying that you should be prioritized over her sister or grandmother? Yeah, no.
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I don't think LW understands the meaning of the term "boundaries" here, or who gets to set them.
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She's not getting the Nobel Prize. She's not being sworn in as President. She's not even taking a combined MD-PhD in I Cured Cancer. It's high school.
At least these kids know what they'll be dealing with going forward. I hope no extra ticket appears.
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The response here is outrageously great and on point.
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