Ask Amy: Her husband moved out of state to care for his mom. Will he ever come back?

[petrea_mitchell]

Dear Amy: A year ago, my mother-in-law’s live-in companion died by suicide.

He was 88 and had just gotten a terminal diagnosis.

My husband took a three-month leave of absence from his job and went to get his mother moved out of her companion’s house and into her nearby home. (The location is five states away.)

Her house is in an upscale neighborhood and is probably worth a substantial amount.

My husband had discussed either selling the house and having her move closer to us or getting an assisted-living apartment. (She does need assistance.)

I have two grown children and he has three from a previous marriage. We also have grandchildren. They all live close to our town.

I cannot retire for at least five more years.

Well, my husband got a job in his mother’s town and never left!

He remodeled the second bathroom of his mother’s home in the style I wanted our bathroom done. He keeps saying I could come there to live.

I have told him that I am not willing to move there.

Our home is here and so is our family. All our grandkids are here.

His youngest son still lives with me and helps out with home maintenance.

I have no desire to leave.

It has been one year now, and I am sick of this.

He will not tell his mother that she needs to sell her home and either come here or get an assisted-living apartment there if she wants to stay where she is.

My friends think I should divorce him, and some of my family have mentioned that as well. I will never divorce him. I will wait until she passes and then he will have no reason to stay there.

Is he being unreasonable?

– Lonely and Angry

Dear Lonely: You are focused on whether your husband is being reasonable, but that is beside the point. Reasonable or not – he has made a choice that affects you profoundly.

Your husband has a job and a renovated home in his mother’s town. Even after her death, he could supply reasons to stay where he is.

He has chosen to live elsewhere and to be with his mother in her elder years. Many couples do continue on in marriage through geographical separation.

I suggest that (if possible) you should have your own home renovated in the style you prefer. Give yourself that dream bathroom!

Down the road you and your husband can revisit the choice to live separately, based on your own needs and preferences. You have the right to make your own “unreasonable” choice, including – if you want – the decision to stay married through this separation.

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

I find myself wondering what the MIL thinks of all this. It sounds like she's still mentally competent, so does she have an opinion on staying in her familiar town where presumably she has friends, even if it means moving into an assisted-living facility, vs. finding an apartment near the family? Did the husband just tell her that it's a done deal that LW will move to join them?

[raine]

Yeah, like, the letter writer is not willing to move and her husband doesn't sound like he's interested in leaving, so either they need to figure out how to remain married long-distance or get divorced. It doesn't sound like either of them want to change the status quo.

[michelel72]

Hell, did MIL manipulate/threaten/extort him into staying?

[petrea_mitchell]

Could be that too!

[topaz_eyes]

I think there's some Missing Information here; the letter makes it sound like LW's husband decided unilaterally to stay on at his mother's place. I think LW should consult a divorce lawyer even if she intends not to divorce her husband; she should be aware of all her options.

[melannen]

I feel like there's two issues here: one is that the husband has moved out of state and the LW wants to stay where they are.

The other is that the husband seems to be unilaterally making major decisions, financial and otherwise, that affect both partners.

LW, you could probably have a perfectly happy marriage for a few years of the two of you living in separate states and visiting sometimes, and then coming to a compromise after MIL dies.

You can't have a perfectly happy marriage if he's spending your renovation money on somebody else's bathroom without telling you. (You also can't have a perfectly happy marriage if you stubbornly make yourself unhappy for years waiting for your husband's mom to die so you can be happy again, without ever discussing *that*.)

It sounds like step one here is to do the best you can to untangle your finances as much as you can so that husband's renovations to his mother's house are out of his money, not out of your money, and you know who is responsible for paying for what, where. This makes sense if you're living apart anyway, and will also help if you can't work out the "communicate with each other already" issues that are the underlying problem here, and need to divorce.

(If your finances are already separate enough that him renovating the bathroom was out of his money and not out of your money, then you are already at "find things to complain about" level, and congrats, the divorce should be pretty simple.)