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Dear Amy: My 26-year-old son has been dating a woman for more than two years. We all get along really well.
My husband and I recently moved two hours away and have stayed at their apartment approximately five times over the past eight months. We stay only one night and usually take them out to dinner or have other fun activities with them while visiting. One time, we were there to see other friends, but staying with them was still handy, because they keep an eye on our dogs. My son doesn’t mind at all, as he has told us.
I recently found out his girlfriend does mind, and has told him that we abuse their hospitality and that she doesn’t feel comfortable in her own home when we’re there (although she has no problem accepting free meals/drinks from us). My son recently tried to break up with her (before this situation arose), but she talked him out of it.
I’m so distraught and hurt. I no longer feel comfortable staying there. Nor do I feel comfortable having her stay at our home or even being around her. Our son told her he is not happy about this but is generally avoiding confrontation. She doesn’t know that he told me how she feels. Any advice?
— Upset
Upset: I take it that you are arranging these visits with your son, and he is conveying the information to his girlfriend after he has agreed to your plan? It might help if you viewed this from her point of view. After all, this is her home, too.
I am making an assumption that you have been staying with them mainly because of the convenience of their home being located in your previous hometown, and although these visits haven’t been numerous or of lengthy duration, you are not responding to invitations from them but are asking to stay there from time to time (in part because it’s “handy”).
You should have included your son’s girlfriend on any requests to stay, vs. only going through your son. That way, she would have a say on whether she wanted to share her home on that date. And — it must be said that bringing dogs to someone else’s home overnight is a high-impact thing to do, even if your dogs are well-behaved.
Your son and his girlfriend don’t seem to have handled this in a way that you like, but your choice to run her down in response to her stating her honest feelings is unfair.
She is trying to establish a boundary, and rather than continue to pull away, you should approach this awkward situation in a direct and respectful way, with the goal being to work this out, vs. choosing to avoid her for the rest of your lives.
My husband and I recently moved two hours away and have stayed at their apartment approximately five times over the past eight months. We stay only one night and usually take them out to dinner or have other fun activities with them while visiting. One time, we were there to see other friends, but staying with them was still handy, because they keep an eye on our dogs. My son doesn’t mind at all, as he has told us.
I recently found out his girlfriend does mind, and has told him that we abuse their hospitality and that she doesn’t feel comfortable in her own home when we’re there (although she has no problem accepting free meals/drinks from us). My son recently tried to break up with her (before this situation arose), but she talked him out of it.
I’m so distraught and hurt. I no longer feel comfortable staying there. Nor do I feel comfortable having her stay at our home or even being around her. Our son told her he is not happy about this but is generally avoiding confrontation. She doesn’t know that he told me how she feels. Any advice?
— Upset
Upset: I take it that you are arranging these visits with your son, and he is conveying the information to his girlfriend after he has agreed to your plan? It might help if you viewed this from her point of view. After all, this is her home, too.
I am making an assumption that you have been staying with them mainly because of the convenience of their home being located in your previous hometown, and although these visits haven’t been numerous or of lengthy duration, you are not responding to invitations from them but are asking to stay there from time to time (in part because it’s “handy”).
You should have included your son’s girlfriend on any requests to stay, vs. only going through your son. That way, she would have a say on whether she wanted to share her home on that date. And — it must be said that bringing dogs to someone else’s home overnight is a high-impact thing to do, even if your dogs are well-behaved.
Your son and his girlfriend don’t seem to have handled this in a way that you like, but your choice to run her down in response to her stating her honest feelings is unfair.
She is trying to establish a boundary, and rather than continue to pull away, you should approach this awkward situation in a direct and respectful way, with the goal being to work this out, vs. choosing to avoid her for the rest of your lives.