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agonyaunt2025-01-29 10:01 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-01-29 10:01 pm
Pay Dirt: My Brother Reached Out To Me After Years Apart...
...I'm Afraid I Know What He's After.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My mother died when my brother was very young and I filled her shoes since our father was an emotionally distant man. I went into a pretty prestigious line of work and currently make an excellent living, but my brother had a very hard time finding his footing. He bounced from job to job to job, and I was always supportive until he met his wife.
My sister-in-law had expensive taste she couldn’t afford, so they basically lived off credit cards and ended up in extreme debt. I tried to help. I gave my brother my older car after his was repossessed, but they promptly traded it for a brand new model, which they couldn’t keep payments on. I helped with rent and food, and even paid off some hospital bills, but as soon as they got out of the hole, they started digging another one.
I stopped after my niece was born because I discovered my sister-in-law was reselling my baby gifts on social media. My brother and his wife were furious that I cut them off, and they ended up cutting me completely out of their lives once I told them the gravy train was gone.
I haven’t even met their sons. It felt like losing a limb since my brother was my only family after our father died. My brother has reached out to me. He is divorcing his wife and wants to mend things. Part of me wants to believe this is genuine but part of me just sees this as another attempt at my wallet. I am afraid of getting hurt again. Help!
—Sister in Seattle
Dear Sister,
I understand your skepticism. But you said it yourself—not having him in your life was heartbreaking. Now, it sounds like you have a chance to mend the relationship, and yes, you might get hurt again, but it seems to me the hope of reconciliation makes it a worthwhile risk.
That said, you will definitely need to set some boundaries with him. For example, you might reply with something like, “It would mean the world to me to have a relationship with you again. I do want to be clear, though, that the money conversation is off the table, and my decision to not lend family money still stands.” If he truly wants you back in his life, this shouldn’t be an issue.
If you want to support your nieces and nephews, you can open a 529 savings account for them in your own name, and simply make them the beneficiaries. This way, your brother and his soon-to-be ex won’t be able to take out the funds.
Hear your brother out, though. It sounds like he might have some deep regrets about the way that he treated you. If he wants to mend things, I’d bet he has an apology waiting for you. Give him a chance and hope for the best.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My mother died when my brother was very young and I filled her shoes since our father was an emotionally distant man. I went into a pretty prestigious line of work and currently make an excellent living, but my brother had a very hard time finding his footing. He bounced from job to job to job, and I was always supportive until he met his wife.
My sister-in-law had expensive taste she couldn’t afford, so they basically lived off credit cards and ended up in extreme debt. I tried to help. I gave my brother my older car after his was repossessed, but they promptly traded it for a brand new model, which they couldn’t keep payments on. I helped with rent and food, and even paid off some hospital bills, but as soon as they got out of the hole, they started digging another one.
I stopped after my niece was born because I discovered my sister-in-law was reselling my baby gifts on social media. My brother and his wife were furious that I cut them off, and they ended up cutting me completely out of their lives once I told them the gravy train was gone.
I haven’t even met their sons. It felt like losing a limb since my brother was my only family after our father died. My brother has reached out to me. He is divorcing his wife and wants to mend things. Part of me wants to believe this is genuine but part of me just sees this as another attempt at my wallet. I am afraid of getting hurt again. Help!
—Sister in Seattle
Dear Sister,
I understand your skepticism. But you said it yourself—not having him in your life was heartbreaking. Now, it sounds like you have a chance to mend the relationship, and yes, you might get hurt again, but it seems to me the hope of reconciliation makes it a worthwhile risk.
That said, you will definitely need to set some boundaries with him. For example, you might reply with something like, “It would mean the world to me to have a relationship with you again. I do want to be clear, though, that the money conversation is off the table, and my decision to not lend family money still stands.” If he truly wants you back in his life, this shouldn’t be an issue.
If you want to support your nieces and nephews, you can open a 529 savings account for them in your own name, and simply make them the beneficiaries. This way, your brother and his soon-to-be ex won’t be able to take out the funds.
Hear your brother out, though. It sounds like he might have some deep regrets about the way that he treated you. If he wants to mend things, I’d bet he has an apology waiting for you. Give him a chance and hope for the best.
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Personally I would respond to the overture at face value, leaving off the advance boundary setting. Because if the brother doesn't already know he owes her an apology and a promise not to sponge off her any more, there's no reason for her to give him a free clue.
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But if I were LW I'd be pretty firm on what a repaired relationship will and will not look like, and that absolutely means no gifts or money to Brother, and only the minimum to the niblings (because there's no guarantee their parents won't get their hands on that).
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Absolutely don't give him any money if he asks, though.