Pay Dirt: My Grandma Has One Last Dying Wish This Christmas. I Really Want to Say No.

[minoanmiss]

I don’t want anything to do with my father or half-siblings. He walked out on our family when I was 7 because he knocked up a neighbor. We couldn’t afford the house on my mom’s salary alone so we moved into a studio where I slept on the couch. My dad worked under the table so child support was a joke. All the while, he spent money like a mad man on his new wife and their brats. It was a small town. I walked around with holes in my shoes while my half-siblings had huge birthday bashes. I gave having a relationship with my half-siblings a shot when they were in college at the request of my grandmother. They were very entitled and believed that their mom was a saint, our dad didn’t make any mistakes, and that my mother just poisoned me against them. Needless to say, they aren’t in my life.

I am close to my paternal grandmother. She lives with my aunt and has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She isn’t seeking treatment but her one request is to have the entire family together for her last Christmas. I am not sure how to handle this. I might stay a few hours to play nice or I might end up decking my dad or half-brother. What should I do?

—Christmas Dilemma

Dear Dilemma,

Clearly, you’re carrying a lot of pain about your past. Between that and dealing with your grandmother’s illness, of course this would be hard for you. It’s thoughtful that you want to consider her wishes, but it’s also OK if you don’t want to go. That said, your grandmother means a great deal to you, and if you’re considering going to Christmas to honor her, this could be an opportunity for your own healing, too.

The resentment toward your father and your family’s dynamics are weighing on you. Expressing those feelings in a safe way can sometimes ease their burden. If you decide to go, it might help to explore some of those feelings in your writing beforehand. You could write a letter to your father, outlining everything you’ve wanted to say—your anger, hurt, and unmet needs. You don’t have to share this letter with him, but putting your emotions into words might help you process them. It’s worth a try. From there, think about what feels right for you. Maybe you want to keep your feelings private and simply focus on making your grandmother happy on Christmas. You might decide not to go at all. Or you may feel ready to address some of these issues directly with your father. If you choose the latter, talk to him before the reunion, so the event doesn’t blow up into something else entirely.

If you confront him, frame the conversation as part of your shared love for your grandmother. Something like, “I want to be here for Grandma, but I need to address some things with you first.” Share your thoughts honestly, but try to collect yourself. How did you feel growing up? What impact did it have on you? Tell him you’re having a hard time letting go of the past without first being heard. How he responds is up to him. He might be open and understanding, or he might become defensive. That’s his choice. For you, it’s about getting your words and perspectives out in the open. Healing isn’t linear, and it can take time. Can you reach out to a therapist for guidance? Even a few sessions might help you process all of this and prepare for the challenging day.

If you do go, you get to decide how much of yourself you want to share. You can honor your grandmother by simply being there, even if it means holding back some of what you’re feeling. But remember: There are other ways to spend time with and honor your grandmother. Either path is OK—it’s about what feels right for you.

Comments

[movingfinger]

Often requests like this are about the requester's desire for forgiveness or exoneration, coming from feeling guilty about having screwed up. Where was Grandma when her grandchild was needing her?

I see no reason for LW to suffer Christmas they can pretend it's one big happy family. They can visit Grandma without their father and others around, have some quality time with her, and not put up with their abusive father. No one has to do that to make someone else feel better about themselves.

[lannamichaels]

Yeah, LW's got no obligation. The grandmother wants to have a happy family moment and force LW into a role that does not reflect reality, and will just serve to hurt LW and cause even more resentment.

LW should have a nice Christmas moment with grandma at some time that does not involve deadbeat dad and resentment.

[princessofgeeks]

So much this. Why should she have to see these people again? There is no family here. There are two families at least. No need to smush them together. For an illusion.

[green_grrl]

This is exactly why split family Christmas Eve/Christmas Day visits are a thing. I’m sure Grandma wants a fantasy kumbaya Christmas, but unless dad and half sibs want it, too, it’s a pipe dream. They’ll act entitled and shitty to LW, LW will be upset and mad, and Grandma’s day will suck. That’s just reality.

[melannen]

LW, it depends on what your hesitancy is here. If you're not sure if you want to do it, that's up to you and how much you value giving your grandma what she wants over enforcing your own boundaries. (Though, to be coldly calculating, this sounds like it will be a one-time thing, there will not be future Christmases with Grandma you could be coerced into based on this one, so this might be the time to stretch a personal boundary if ever.)

But it sounds like the issue might be that you would like to go to make your Grandma happy, you just aren't sure you're physically capable of going without causing a scene that would ruin it for other people? In that case - I assume your Grandma is not unaware of the family tension; tell her this and see what she says, and then at the very least she won't be *surprised* if it happens. If you have any line of communication to your dad's family, then do that - *not* what Pay Dirt says, omg this is the wrong time to try to reconcile; but send them a message that says very clearly "I want to be here for Grandma but I am still too angry with you to be calm about this. If you want us to play happy families for Grandma we need to set a guideline that we aren't going to talk about x,y, or z while I'm there."

And then set a rule for *yourself* that the minute anyone tries to scrape one of those boundaries (even if it's you!) you apologize, excuse yourself, tell Grandma you love, her and take yourself out to a nice restaurant or something.

[topaz_eyes]

I'm curious why LW wrote to Pay Dirt about this issue, unless there's missing information on why LW feels they should attend despite their misgivings (eg is an inheritance at stake?). LW did try to strike up a relationship with the half-sibs on Grandma's request, which failed. Grandma wanting "the entire family together" at Christmas, when such togetherness does not exist for a reason, strikes me as kind of... selfish? cruel? towards LW on Grandma's part. I don't know, but imho it's kind of unfair. LW needs to clarify the family tension with Grandma, and set boundaries with her if LW does attend.

(At least, I'm hoping that LW receives an outsize share of the inheritance from Grandma after what LW's father did.)

[lilysea]

My best guess is that the person wrote to Pay Dirt because they saw this recent letter about whether or not to reconnect with estranged siblings

Dear Pay Dirt,

My mother died when my brother was very young and I filled her shoes since our father was an emotionally distant man. I went into a pretty prestigious line of work and currently make an excellent living, but my brother had a very hard time finding his footing. He bounced from job to job to job, and I was always supportive until he met his wife.

My sister-in-law had expensive taste she couldn’t afford, so they basically lived off credit cards and ended up in extreme debt. I tried to help. I gave my brother my older car after his was repossessed, but they promptly traded it for a brand new model, which they couldn’t keep payments on. I helped with rent and food, and even paid off some hospital bills, but as soon as they got out of the hole, they started digging another one.

I stopped after my niece was born because I discovered my sister-in-law was reselling my baby gifts on social media. My brother and his wife were furious that I cut them off, and they ended up cutting me completely out of their lives once I told them the gravy train was gone.

I haven’t even met their sons. It felt like losing a limb since my brother was my only family after our father died. My brother has reached out to me. He is divorcing his wife and wants to mend things. Part of me wants to believe this is genuine but part of me just sees this as another attempt at my wallet. I am afraid of getting hurt again. Help!

—Sister in Seattle

Dear Sister,

I understand your skepticism. But you said it yourself—not having him in your life was heartbreaking. Now, it sounds like you have a chance to mend the relationship, and yes, you might get hurt again, but it seems to me the hope of reconciliation makes it a worthwhile risk.

That said, you will definitely need to set some boundaries with him. For example, you might reply with something like, “It would mean the world to me to have a relationship with you again. I do want to be clear, though, that the money conversation is off the table, and my decision to not lend family money still stands.” If he truly wants you back in his life, this shouldn’t be an issue.

If you want to support your nieces and nephews, you can open a 529 savings account for them in your own name, and simply make them the beneficiaries. This way, your brother and his soon-to-be ex won’t be able to take out the funds.

Hear your brother out, though. It sounds like he might have some deep regrets about the way that he treated you. If he wants to mend things, I’d bet he has an apology waiting for you. Give him a chance and hope for the best.

[minoanmiss]

I think I posted that one here recentishly.

[conuly]

If LW cannot go without making a scene - which it sounds is sorely overdue - then LW should not go.

Problem solved.