Dear Annie: Autistic child’s dad doesn’t understand meltdowns

[petrea_mitchell]

Dear Annie: My daughter is 8 years old and was recently diagnosed with autism. She was just diagnosed at age 7, but I have suspected she is autistic since about age 3 when she was severely speech-delayed.

Over the years, I had suggested she was autistic to my husband several times, and his responses were things like, “She’s just a little bit behind” and ‚”She’s just stubborn and hot-headed like her daddy.”

My concerns were always brushed off. However, he could no longer use those excuses when last year her classroom had to be evacuated due to her throwing furniture during one of her meltdowns.

Even during the evaluations, he seemed confident that she wouldn’t be diagnosed with autism, and when she was, he seemed to not take it well.

Due to her growing in both age and strength, I have needed additional help with her. I am a stay-at-home mom of three, and when she has bad days, it has been increasingly difficult for me.

My husband has been working fewer hours lately and has hired a care worker to help me on the days when he is working, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Since he’s been around more, he has been witnessing the meltdowns that I have been telling him about for years, and unfortunately he has not been handling them well.

Since her diagnosis, I have attended parent training and have been doing what has been advised to me. I am patient with her and help her regulate her emotions when she is not able to self-regulate.

He gets easily frustrated, yelling at her to “just stop,” or sometimes he tries to distract her with hugs or tickles (something that makes her meltdowns worse, as she doesn’t like to be touched in those moments).

When I try to explain to him that those things don’t work and she can’t “just stop,” then he turns his frustration toward me. He thinks that I believe he is not a good dad or doesn’t know how to handle her, but that’s not the case.

I just have much more experience with her meltdowns and am trying to give him advice so he can handle her meltdowns better. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. He loves me and loves our kids and is a great man. How can I help him understand her diagnosis better and help him to be more confident in helping her regulate without the frustration and drama that ensues anytime I try to help? -- Overstimulated

Dear Overstimulated: Many couples think that having children automatically makes them closer, but raising young children, especially one with additional needs, can be very stressful on both parents.

You are doing a great job. Take a moment to allow yourself to acknowledge that.

Your husband just needs to learn more like you did about how best to parent your daughter. Ask your pediatrician for guidance or groups that can help you parent in ways that will set your daughter up for success in life. Your husband is not bad; he is just uninformed. In addition, try to make time for date nights or time for just the two of you so that you can reconnect.

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

Definitely get Husband the parent training, but also: Autism has a strong genetic component and he may be onto something by saying the daughter is just like him. Encourage him to get tested. Get your other kids tested, too!

[melannen]

+1 Anytime somebody you love says "Oh this is normal, it's just how it is" about a disability issue... start thinking about how you can talk them into telling a good doctor or therapist that, or at least, thinking about what accessibility strategies you've learned that you can quietly offer to somebody who thinks needing them and not having them is normal.

[lokifan]

Interesting point. And might, perhaps, be part of his frustration - it's pretty common, though not fair/reasonable, to be even more annoyed by people who share your issues (or have a more severe version) and aren't able to handle them like you've managed to.

And sorry, OP, but he's not being a great, or even good, dad right now - I hope he can get over the defensiveness. And stop touching her in ways she hates jfc

[azurelunatic]

Oh, LW. No, you don't actually think he can handle her. But that's not a permanent problem if he's willing to put in the work to learn. Maybe an outside expert can get it through his head that his instincts are not 100% on target, no matter how much alike he thinks they are.

[minoanmiss]

"He loves me... but is unwilling to believe that the parent training I invested in or my greater experience with the child have any worth, and takes my attempts at advising him from that knowledge base as a personal attack."

sigh

[castiron]

He thinks that I believe he is not a good dad or doesn’t know how to handle her, but that’s not the case.

Um, LW, you've said really clearly in this letter that he doesn't know how to handle her -- he's making the meltdowns worse.

Maybe he's one of those folks who thinks he should instinctually know how to parent, or who thinks that what worked for the other kids should work for this one. If he's a good dad, he'll eventually clue in and listen to the person with more experience. (Though the fact that LW's talking about having done parent training but doesn't say her husband did it too? I'm skeptical.)

[dissectionist]

Though the fact that LW's talking about having done parent training but doesn't say her husband did it too? I'm skeptical.

It may or may not mean anything. At the autism center we attended, there was so much demand and the waiting lists were so long for parent training sessions, only one person per family was allowed to attend. They gave a lot of handouts and it was expected that the person who attended would explain things to their other family members. It was their way of trying to serve as many families as possible as quickly as possible.

[joyeuce]

Some parent training courses I have attended have been during the school/working day, which also usually means only one parent can attend.

[laurajv]

Yeah, that's common in my experience. Another thing that's common is that, as with LW, there are other kids who need care. We had that situation -- someone had to watch our other kid, on a school night, for several hours, for 17 weeks in a row. Getting a babysitter for a Monday night is very difficult and we mostly weren't able to do that, so instead we switched off who was doing the parent sessions and educated each other in-between. But not everywhere will let you switch off like that, and not everyone has the communication skills and notetaking ability of two people whose livelihoods rely on clear communication ability and who have been through couples therapy together, you know? Like, we had some ADVANTAGES.

[cimorene]

This seems like a terrible answer to me. Is it just me? Annie seems more concerned about marital harmony than the actual question, which is in the first place about the child's wellbeing and in the second about how to communicate with LW's husband, who rejects her advice and makes it worse for everybody by getting threatened by what he seems to see as personal criticism.

[feldman]

Aside from some needed morale-boosting,it's an atrocious answer that basically 1. re-states the problem 2. suggests LW retry the thing that's chronically failing (but I guess with better Authority Figures to bolster her?) 3. reinforces the 'we must bear with fumbling dad' interpretation of a situation that is escalating physically with an elementary schooler, and 4. implies LW should put more work into her marriage.

[zana16]

It’s particularly annoying that date nights are suggested, because getting a babysitter for a kids with meltdowns like this is pretty much impossible.

[heartexalted]

This seems like a terrible answer to me. Is it just me? Annie seems more concerned about marital harmony than the actual question

---

Sadly, such tone and energy are not at all uncommon to the "Dear Annie" column, and I have nicknamed her "Annie the Appeaser" because of how frequently her "solutions" revolve around the whole "going along to get along" approach! 🙄 Taking the high road and being "the bigger person," so on and so forth, for the sake of "keeping the peace" and other such BS...

[kiezh]

He IS a bad dad, and he DOESN'T know how to handle her. When she's overwhelmed and upset, he hurts her more. This is absolutely unacceptable, and he needs to get over his fucking ego and listen, or you need to get her away from him.

Maybe getting a professional to tell him this would help, but honestly it's a red flag if he won't listen to you and KEEPS HURTING YOUR KID. If you are trying to gently soft-pedal this to avoid offending him, maybe you need to be more explicit: it is abusive to yell at her and grab at her (to force touch that she hates!) when she is in a meltdown. He needs to back the hell off.

[cimorene]

Exactly!!

[conuly]

My husband is a wonderful father and husband.

Is he, though? I mean, really, is he?