Carolyn Hax: Relatives refuse to use trans sister's name

[cereta]

Hi Carolyn: My sister came out as trans last summer and began going by a beautiful feminine name. Certain members of our family have expressed resistance and “compromised” by agreeing to call her by her gender-neutral middle name, which our parents chose for her at birth. She tolerates it and has told me she thinks it’s good enough.

I exclusively use the name she wants — it’s her name!! — but what should I do when I hear one of these relatives use the middle name? Do I let it slide, because that’s what my sister herself is doing, or correct them and make a stink, every single time?

— Nickname

Nickname: “Who?” Then when they answer: “Oh, you mean [beautiful feminine name]. Her name is [beautiful feminine name].” Say it every single g.d. time.

When I answered this originally, I said to call them by the wrong name — and if they didn’t like it, then say you are willing to compromise, you just need to like what you call them.

But with a cooler head, I realized your sister might not want you to fight her battle for her or to fight it this way — as richly as your relatives deserve it.

I do still, many months later, have no answer for why people are so insistently obtuse about treating someone in a way they’d never stand to be treated.

Comments

[ermingarden]

Honestly, my instinct in this situation would be to explicitly ask the sister if she wants LW to correct the relatives when they use Sister's middle name. Obviously she shouldn't have to settle for that "compromise" (ugh!), but by telling LW she "thinks it's good enough," she may mean that pushing back on it would cause worse problems for her, and that may be true even if LW rather than Sister is the one pushing back. LW should make it extremely clear that they're willing to get in a fight with the awful relatives about it, but it should ultimately be Sister's call.

[conuly]

Agreed.

[pauraque]

This would be my recommendation as well.

[green_grrl]

Yup, this. 🙁

[ashbet]

Agreed.

[minoanmiss]

Word.

[kiezh]

Yeah, this is one of those situations where it's more important to support the targeted person (and follow their lead) than it is to have a confrontation with the perpetrator, even if an angry confrontation would feel satisfying and be entirely justified by their behavior.

[cereta]

This was my thought, although me being me (and thus being contrary as fuck and having Feelings about names), I would probably say, "You know she prefers {name}, right?" if a relative referred to her by the other name in discussion with me (that is, when sister wasn't present). I would probably ask sister about even that, though.

[feast_of_regrets]

+1. Outside of situations where you can't directly ask the person what they want, help is only help if it's what the person you're trying to help wants. Consent of the assisted is important.

[katiedid717]

Totally agree with this

[femboy]

+1.

Sister should be involved in this situation. The LW needs to ask if her sister even wants her to do this. Personally, I'd be horrified.

I was thinking about this recently

[minoanmiss]

After seeing several different snarky transphobes quote Orwell:

"“The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.”

I had a couple of thoughts. One, that assuming that one knows who someone is better than that person knows themself isn't clear sight but hubris.

But the other was about the existence of X-rays. We humans can't see X-rays but that doesn't mean they don't exist. If someone with an x-ray detector tells me they exist, believing them isn't "rejecting the evidence" of my senses, but accepting information about something I can't know otherwise.

I'm not sure where I'm going with these, hopefully more towards coming up with things to say to help people than to bother fighting transphobes unless necessary.

Re: I was thinking about this recently

[bikergeek]

Scientific instruments are things that extend our senses.

I work on cars and motorcycles as a hobby. When I rebuilt a car engine, I needed tools that could measure clearances between sliding or rotating surfaces to within a few thousandths of an inch. I can't measure those distances with my eye but there are tools that can. I have to tighten fasteners to a specific number of foot-pounds of torque. I can't tell the difference between 35 and 40 foot-pounds by feel, but I have a torque wrench that can.

I can train anyone who's willing to learn how to use these tools, and they can replicate my results, with some patience and time and practice.

So if you're using some kind of tool, or something that works as an extension of your senses, the question is: can a person chosen at random be trained to use the tool (bearing in mind that some tools might require a Ph.D.-level education!), and can they get the same results?

Re: I was thinking about this recently

[p_cocincinus]

"“The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.”

Like how your ears are hearing this person tell you what her name is, and your eyes can see that she's upset that you're choosing to ignore her?

This is the thing that gets me. You can't always tell someone's gender by looking at them, even if that person is entirely cisgender. Some cis women are very tall and flat-chested, and some cis dudes are short and round, and my daughter is eight years old and there is not a single child in her entire grade that has anything to aid in identifying their gender beyond their hypothetical presentation. (And I live in Portland, y'all; a long-haired kid wearing a dress may or may not be a girl.) "The evidence of your senses" in most cases only allows you to make an assumption based on advanced pattern matching. Sometimes your pattern matching brain is wrong.

Re: I was thinking about this recently

[minoanmiss]

I think this was the missing piece in my consideration. The difference between evidence and truth.

Sent from my iPhone

[cereta]

You know, I pretty much accept that no one in my family is ever going to call me by my chosen name, given that I couldn't even get them to stop using the derivative that I hate like burning even though I stopped using it at 18. Doesn't mean it doesn't bug me, and I do think there's some element of deliberate assholishness from time to time, but mostly, they just don't care enough about me to make the effort. (My mom is the exception, btw. She at least mostly calls me by my full first name.)

But these people are making an effort to call sister something other than what they used to call her, and are still refusing to use the name the sister prefers. I don't care what your "feelings" or "opinions" are about someone's gender identity. That's just rude.