Care & Feeding: The Dark Cloud of the Hawk

[minoanmiss]

My Sister Claims I Cast a “Dark Cloud” Over the Birth of Her Baby. She’s Out of Her Mind.

Content advisory: death of a pet (not explicit)



Dear Care and Feeding,

A month ago, my 5-year-old nephew, “Landen,” spent a week with me and my husband while my sister “Amy” was in the hospital waiting to give birth to her second child. On the afternoon my mother was scheduled to pick up Landen to take him home, we all waited out in the front yard for the last 15 minutes before her arrival.

Landen had brought his pet parakeet, “Georgie,” with him and had the bird out of its cage and sitting on his hand (its wings were clipped). When my mother pulled up, he set Georgie on top of his cage and went to greet her. He hadn’t taken more than a few steps when a hawk swooped down, snatched the parakeet, and flew off before anyone could move to stop it. Needless to say, Landen was heartbroken. My mother was furious. She blamed my husband and me for what happened, loaded Landen into the car, and drove off.

Later in the day, my brother-in-law called and blasted me, saying my nephew had been “thoroughly traumatized” and called me and my husband irresponsible for supposedly allowing Landen’s parakeet to be put in a dangerous situation. I expressed regret about what had happened to the parakeet and even offered to get him a new one, but pointed out that Landen had routinely taken Georgie outside in their yard at their home, and this could have just as easily happened at their place (our community is a quasi-rural one with no shortage of wildlife). Amy then came on the line and said that the death of the parakeet had “cast a dark cloud” over the birth of their new baby and that she expected us to pay for Landen to go to a therapist. I reiterated how sorry I was over what happened, but firmly explained that I would do no such thing. The loss of the bird wasn’t my doing; it was something unfortunate that could not have been predicted. Amy responded by saying that if I ever wanted to see Landen, the new baby, and “ever be a family again,” I was going to pay for her son’s therapy and hung up on me. I decided to give her some time to cool off and have been waiting for her to reach out again, but it’s been radio silence.

My husband thinks Amy and her husband are being unreasonable, and while I agree with him, part of me wonders if paying for several therapy sessions for Landen would be worth it to restore peace in the family. Is it?

—One Flew Out of the Cuckoo’s Nest

Dear Cuckoo,

There is an episode of Bluey where Bluey and Bingo (the two sibling dogs in the Heeler family) are pretending to be grannies, and Bingo keeps interrupting the game to do the floss dance. Bluey gets mad because “grannies can’t floss” and goes so far as to call their grandmother to prove her point. Bluey is proved correct but Bingo runs off and doesn’t want to play anymore. When Bluey consults her mom, her mom tells her that she needs to decide: Does she want to be right, or does she want to get Bingo back into the game? Bluey decides she’d rather play with her sister so she teaches the grandmother to “floss,” thus allowing Bingo to be “right.” Afterwards, they resume the game.

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This is your Bluey moment. I think your family is being incredibly unreasonable, and I’m curious whether they have a history of making these histrionic demands of others, in which case I would tell you to proceed with extreme caution before making any concessions. (Blowing up the family over a parakeet is certainly a choice, and I’m nervous about the precedent this could set.) However, if this is new behavior, and if a few sessions of therapy make this go away, maybe that’s worth it in service of the greater good. Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself: Do you want to be right (and hold your ground) or do you want to keep the peace?

If you do decide to pay for the therapy, I advise a meeting of the minds with your sister and brother-in-law to talk about it. There needs to be an agreement that once the (short-term) therapy is paid for, the issue of the parakeet is closed—no one gets to hold this over your heads anymore. And I hope you’d be able to talk about how hurt you are that they would let the bird come between you all in the first place. Good luck.

Comments

[cimorene]

Wow, YIKES. This story does not make it sound like LW can look forward to a calm happy ending no matter what happens, tbh. I'm not happy with the response's phrasing ("over a bird" etc) because pets are very important in a family, and their loss IS genuinely truamatic. The problem is the issue of blame! LW pinpointed the core of the issue themselves when they said that they were following the same guidelines modeled by the parents.

The behavior of the grandmother, who actually witnessed what happened, is even more concerningly unrealistic. Everyone is acting like they are following an established family scapegoat dynamic and LW is it. If that isn't the case, I guess it's barely possible that grandma isn't aware of the out of cage time at home while the parents are simply in denial because they can't accept the blame they feel would be due to them if they admitted reality? But that still isn't possible with reasonable, reasonably mature, reasonably emotionally healthy adults.

[full_metal_ox]

Let’s not forget Landon—-who’s learning who the family Designated Cootie Person is—-and Little Sib, who came into the world Under A Dark Cloud!

Maybe therapy would help with that, too?

[haggis]

I actually have a lot of sympathy for the mother in this case - dealing with an inconsolable 5 year old and a newborn sounds hellish. And for the child - the disruptions of the new baby and staying in a strange house could well lead to him acting out, which has been compounded by seeing his pet killed in front of him.

But the grandmother doesn't have that excuse and her behaviour does suggest a) a pattern of unfairly blaming the LW and b) over reacting to avoid acknowledging that this could have happened at any time.

[cimorene]

It does sound hellish, but it doesn't sound like a remotely adequate reason for blaming LW, let alone for this ultimatum!

[conuly]

The columnist and LW's husband are completely right.

However, I feel like playing devil's advocate here today, so:

The loss of the bird wasn’t my doing; it was something unfortunate that could not have been predicted.

This is flatly untrue. This could absolutely have been predicted and ought to have been anticipated by every adult in this story who was ever expected to be responsible for Landon and his pet. As LW says, they live in a semi-rural area where predators are abundant. I live in a major city and, guess what, predators are abundant. (Mostly cats, now that my neighbor's out of control pit bulls have been removed by the city, but we also have a variety of hawks and falcons.) A very brief perusal of parrot forums suggests that a. clipped birds can still fly b. but not very well so c. for their own safety they still should not be taken out without being in a cage or harness, and of course never left unattended outside for even a moment.

And if I could find that in a single google search then Landon's parents certainly should have found that and made that a rule for birdcare. And if they didn't then LW should have done the same google search and still made that a rule while the bird was in their home. People absolutely suck when it comes to caring for unusual animals, so I'd always want to double check general advice when petsitting, even if the owner didn't give me specific rules.

[dissectionist]

Maybe it’s just because I love raptors and know a fair lot about them, but yeah, I’d agree that if you know the are raptors in your area, “don’t take small pets outside unless they’re literally in your hands” should be common sense that doesn’t even need a Google search. I’ve even seen plenty of videos on America’s Funniest Home Videos showing someone releasing a bird or other small wild critter they’ve found and nurtured back to health, or they’re admiring a wild critter in the grass, and then a raptor swoops in and it’s gone. Raptors gotta eat, and if your critter looks like easy prey, they’ll take it.

A friend of mine keeps both her Chihuahuas on three-foot harness leashes when she takes them out to go to the bathroom in her urban backyard, because even in my urban city we have large hawks. (We also have peregrine falcons that nest on the skyscrapers, though those are less of a risk; they rarely take mammals because their bodies are optimized for catching birds. They do a great job keeping the pigeon population in check though, and would happily take a parakeet.) While the harnesses wouldn’t stop a hawk from potentially grabbing one of the dogs, it’ll give my friend the ability to tug-of-war with the hawk, and hawks will usually drop prey if they encounter resistance.

[conuly]

They do a great job keeping the pigeon population in check though, and would happily take a parakeet.

Probably keep those populations in check too where they're feral in cities, like pigeons and starlings and monk parrots.

[cimorene]

I agree that's the only responsible pet owner choice, but I also think that a plurality of reasonable adults would just follow the lead of the original owners without doing that checking, so I don't blame LW for not having thought, "I'd better check that my sister is not a horribly irresponsible pet owner!"

[conuly]

LW must know the sort of person their sister is, and whether she and BIL are really the sort of people to be responsible pet owners. Which clearly they aren't.

(I'm not in a sympathetic mood today. Except for the parakeet and I guess the five year old. And also the hawk, paradoxically.)

[cimorene]

People are very prone to self-delusion about this kind of thing, though. Especially if they believe that all Xes are bad people, they are very resistant to seeing that someone they love is an X.

[movingfinger]

Yeah, I was thinking (as I read the letter) about my neighborhood, where eagles' nests have been documented to contain many cat and small dog collars. I take my cat out on a leash, and I am always checking for eagles overhead when in the open.

[sporky_rat]

If a hawk can pick up my cousin's teacup Yorkie in a semi-rural area when she turned her back while the dog was doing its business in the yard, a hawk can get a parakeet even easier.

No outside cage time for birds not in the house, and I don't even have birds.

LW is in the clear. PLUS who gives a five year old a parakeet?!

[raven]

I wonder what the new parents will do next to healthily and non-insanely discharge the stress of a new baby.

[neotoma]

Oh for... look, you're outside with a very small bird that is not in some kind of carrier, you ARE at risk of a bird of prey swooping down on it. They also go after cats, small dogs, and pet rabbits.

I think you were irresponsible for letting your nephew take his very small pet out of its cage outside, but it sounds like his parents were also irresponsible about it and established a pattern.

Your nephew is 5 -- this is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to him, and it was to a beloved pet; while therapy is probably reasonable, I don't think you are obligated to pay for it, though indeed it might smooth things over.

However, is this the usual pattern -- something unfortunate happens, your family blames you, and you have to make amends even if it was not actually your doing? If so, you need to get therapy yourself because it sounds like you are the family scapegoat and that is no way to live.

[topaz_eyes]

There's no question therapy may be needed--it's traumatic to lose a beloved pet like that--but demanding LW to pay for it is unrealistic. Landen's parents are at fault for not teaching Landen responsible pet bird ownership in the first place. If you play with a (wings-clipped) pet bird outdoors where predators abound, it's only a matter of time before the bird becomes lunch. That it happened at LW's place (and on New Sib's birth day) is simply coincidence.

LW's offer to replace the parakeet is generous. But hopefully not until the kid (and parents tbh) are mature enough to know how to care for their pets properly.

Maaaybe the stress of a brand new baby could be a mitigating factor in Amy's reaction to what happened. Offering to pay for a portion of therapy may be a workable compromise in that case. But it might also risk LW's future relations if something else self-inflicted happens to Landen's family, while LW is an innocent bystander.

[julian]

This sounds a little like the grandmother Reported Distressing Things to the B-i-L and sister. Which solves nothing, but does explain a little of why sister is so freaked.

[firecat]

The LW is under no obligation to pay for therapy.

If sister blames her for things that aren’t her fault and threatens to withhold her children from LW unless LW makes financial restitution, she’s likely to do it again.

If LW decides to go ahead and pay for Landen’s therapy anyway, she should pay the therapist directly rather than giving money to her sister.