agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: My 26-year-old son has been dating a woman for more than two years. We all get along really well.

My husband and I recently moved two hours away and have stayed at their apartment approximately five times over the past eight months. We stay only one night and usually take them out to dinner or have other fun activities with them while visiting. One time, we were there to see other friends, but staying with them was still handy, because they keep an eye on our dogs. My son doesn’t mind at all, as he has told us.

I recently found out his girlfriend does mind, and has told him that we abuse their hospitality and that she doesn’t feel comfortable in her own home when we’re there (although she has no problem accepting free meals/drinks from us). My son recently tried to break up with her (before this situation arose), but she talked him out of it.

I’m so distraught and hurt. I no longer feel comfortable staying there. Nor do I feel comfortable having her stay at our home or even being around her. Our son told her he is not happy about this but is generally avoiding confrontation. She doesn’t know that he told me how she feels. Any advice?

— Upset

Upset: I take it that you are arranging these visits with your son, and he is conveying the information to his girlfriend after he has agreed to your plan? It might help if you viewed this from her point of view. After all, this is her home, too.

I am making an assumption that you have been staying with them mainly because of the convenience of their home being located in your previous hometown, and although these visits haven’t been numerous or of lengthy duration, you are not responding to invitations from them but are asking to stay there from time to time (in part because it’s “handy”).

You should have included your son’s girlfriend on any requests to stay, vs. only going through your son. That way, she would have a say on whether she wanted to share her home on that date. And — it must be said that bringing dogs to someone else’s home overnight is a high-impact thing to do, even if your dogs are well-behaved.

Your son and his girlfriend don’t seem to have handled this in a way that you like, but your choice to run her down in response to her stating her honest feelings is unfair.

She is trying to establish a boundary, and rather than continue to pull away, you should approach this awkward situation in a direct and respectful way, with the goal being to work this out, vs. choosing to avoid her for the rest of your lives.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Five times in eight months is slightly more often than once every other month. Yeah, if I hadn't been asked and someone was sleeping over at my place that often, I'd be unhappy too.

Especially if I was expected to look after their animals when they went out. I like dogs, but taking care of someone else's pets is a responsibility one should agree to, not have dropped into one's lap.

Yep, this. Overnights almost once a month, especially involving pet care, is a BIG ask, and it should have been negotiated in advance, with the girlfriend's buy-in.

(I wouldn't want houseguests that often, at all.)

If you can't afford to stay in a Holiday Inn, then you can't afford to travel as often as you are. Get a hotel and pay a dogsitter, LW; you're grown.

Also, it's not "free meals/drinks" if you're staying in her damn house.

ETA: Also, LW's Son? Stop throwing your GF under the bus. Either you're okay with the status quo (and have it out with your GF in private), you aren't (and stop lying to your parents), or you are okay with it but want peace in your home (in which case take the blame with your folks).

Edited 2023-08-10 00:03 (UTC)

Not only staying in their house, but getting them to dogsit while they go do whatever they came in to town for, too.

That poor girlfriend. Stuck with a boyfriend whose mother thinks she doesn’t deserve to live in her own space. And I love the “ that didn’t stop her from accepting free drinks/ dinner” bit. LW would obviously have been just fine with the girlfriend spending every visit hiding in her bedroom

Also stuck with a boyfriend who doesn't seem to ask for input before telling his parents "You can stay here!" and on the same front, boyfriend is also willing to throw her under a bus to his parents. How hard is it to go with a neutral statement like: "We double checked our calendar for that weekend, and having people stay over won't work out for us."

From the letter alone, girlfriend seems to be the only one who doesn't suck.

I'd be a bit more sympathetic to LW if simply hearing "GF would like you to cut back on the visits a little" had not segued into "I'm not comfortable even being around her".

Yeah to everything everyone has said, but also, she has a serious bf problem. They need to be discussing boundaries together and he needs to not be trampling hers and talking about her to his mom behind her back.

Merely by reading this letter, I can hear the self-pitying, manipulative whine in LW's voice. "I GUESS WE JUST AREN'T EVER WELCOME AGAIN IN YOUR HOME THEN! SOB!"

exactly what echoed in my head while reading this!