Dear Care & Feeding: Autistic Sibling Neglected by Extended Family

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care & Feeding,

I’m 14 and have two siblings aged 11 (“Ben”) and almost 7 (“Eliza”). Ben is autistic, and so am I, although not as obviously as Ben is (he will have a meltdown in front of anyone; I will keep everything bottled up until I get home). Eliza is neurotypical and quite obviously the favorite on our mum’s side of the family (we don’t see our dad’s often), because she is small and cute—everyone buys her gifts all the time. I am not at all the favorite, but everyone still enjoys spending time with me and I am obviously appreciated.

But everyone always “forgets” Ben. They seem to view him as more of a difficult problem than a person. He never gets invited to anyone in the family’s house unless all three of us are invited. Our grandma will go on about how all of HER children were always perfectly behaved etc. whenever he has a meltdown. He isn’t really close with anyone in the extended family, and no one really seems to like him (at least not as much as they like me and Eliza). I have no clue how to bring this up with my mum as I know she will defend her family and say it just “seems” that no one likes Ben because Eliza is “small and cute” and I’m “more like an adult.” Any advice would be appreciated.

—Fed Up With Being the Favorite

Dear Fed Up,

Talk to your mom about what you’re noticing from the extended family; keep the focus on what you have observed and how it makes you feel, rather than speaking in absolutes (“Grandma always…”, “Nobody ever…”). It’s possible your mom has already noticed the same behavior that you have and is already trying to address it with her family, so try to give your mom the benefit of the doubt when you talk. Ask questions and be ready to talk about what kinds of things you’d want to be different. At the same time, though, be prepared for your mom to push back on you a little bit, depending on what kinds of expectations she thinks would be reasonable for these family members. Unfortunately, some folks simply don’t know how to interact with neurodivergent kids whose behaviors are unpredictable or extreme. It’s not necessarily a moral failing on your mom’s part if she’s unable to find a way to “fix” her family’s behavior. If you can come to this conversation already assuming you and your mom are on the same side, she may be less likely to be defensive, and you might get deeper insights as a result.

Beyond this conversation, think of other ways you can be your brother’s ally. The next time your grandma complains about him, maybe you can (respectfully) say, “He’s doing his best.” Lead by example, showing him patience, empathy, and acceptance. Publicly and privately, be there for Ben and let him know through your words and actions that you love, respect, and enjoy him. I obviously don’t know how aware Ben is of these family dynamics, but I know that as we grow up, we remember the people who showed up for us in our childhoods. You’re doing a good job as Ben’s big sister; keep going.