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Actually, I'm going 'Lose the housemate'
Sep. 13th, 2024 02:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oursinYou be the judge: my housemate always loses our keys. Should he pay for a smart lock?
The prosecution: Mark Rami has offered to go halves on an electronic key fob – but he should pay for it all.
Rami is a good mate. We met at uni and he moved in to my place eight months ago when I had to remortgage my house and found the cost had gone up exponentially. I have a three-bed and am recently single, while Rami needed to find a new place after his old landlord sold up, so it made sense for both of us.
We’re both 32 and like living together as we’ve got similar interests: kickboxing, going to the gym, cooking. We’re both pretty tidy, although I’m definitely less laid-back. Rami misplaces things – in particular, our house keys. I can’t tell you the number of times he has lost them. It’s ridiculous.
He’s lost them on nights out, or just coming back from work. One time he left a set on the train. The first couple of times I gave him spares and didn’t ask him to pay for a new set because I had loads, but after that I would say: “Mate, this is on you.” He told me it’s because his old house had a smart lock, where you key in a code. And when he lived with his parents, they had a key box. He says he’s just not used to carrying around keys.
As a compromise, I installed a key box outside the house, concealed in a little pouch by the front window. You put a code in to unlock the box and get the keys out. At first, I didn’t like the idea of having the keys right next to the front door, and wondered if people would be able to smash the box open, but I got used to it.
But then Rami wouldn’t put the keys back into the box. He’d take them straight into the house. A couple of times when I came home, I couldn’t get in. I’d have to call him to open the door. One time he went out to meet a friend, and took the keys with him, so he locked me out completely.
Rami needs to respect the key box. Now I’ve taken to carrying my own set of keys, which defeats the purpose. He has suggested getting an electronic key fob for our door. I’m not a huge fan of this idea – I don’t like how it looks and it’s expensive. Rami said he would pay half, but seeing as he’s the one who keeps losing keys, I don’t think I should have to pay for it at all.
Two letters from one PayDirt column
Sep. 10th, 2024 09:56 amconuly1. Dear Pay Dirt,
Is there etiquette (or ethics) around what survivors do with memorial money donated at a funeral? I always thought a memorial donation was meant to be given to a charity of the family’s choice in honor of the deceased. A close friend of mine just lost his elderly father, and because the family hadn’t listed any preferred charities in the obituary, I put a hefty cash donation with the card at the funeral, assuming it would go to a charity of their choice.
Later, my friend mentioned that he and his siblings were going to put any memorial cash toward funeral expenses. I know that funerals are expensive, but my friend is doing well financially, and his brother married into generational wealth of an amount that is mind-boggling. It seems petty and cheap, and perhaps dishonest, of them to put memorials toward expenses. If I had known this, I would have donated directly to a charity, but it’s too late for that now. If they were struggling financially, I wouldn’t mind so much, but it seems inappropriate at best, and downright sleazy at worst. Or maybe everyone does this and I have been deluded about the purpose of memorial donations. I’m also not sure whether to bring it up with my friend or let it go. Your thoughts?
—Memorial Muddle
( Read more... )
2. Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m struggling with money and the parents of my child’s friends. My middle school-aged child is kind and engaging and has lots of friends who spend a lot of time at our home. I have spent several thousand dollars feeding these guests over the summer. (Not snacks, meals.) I ask myself when they leave home in the morning, and their parents have not given them any money, who do their parents think is feeding their children night after night after night?
Most of the hanging out happens at our house. Occasionally, my child will go to one of their homes. I don’t think they have ever been given more than a bag of potato chips by another parent. My child always texts to see if I can send money to buy dinner. I’ve never met any of their parents. These kids have to take buses to get here so it’s not like they can go home, eat, and come back, even if their parents were home to feed them.
I wish I were one of those people who loves to wine and dine the multitudes, but I hate to cook, and I don’t have a lot of money. I’m ashamed to admit this, but sometimes I wonder how I can feed my child dinner without feeding everybody else. Any advice is welcome!
—Not Proud of Feeling Stingy
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jun. 13th, 2024 10:15 pmjadelennoxDear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I are in our mid-40s and in a good year, we average a household income of about $800,000.( Read more... )
misbegottenI was recently gifted a family heirloom — a century-old five-carat diamond ring. It is most likely worth six figures. I was shocked; I am not very close with the relative who gave me the ring, by his choice. There are a lot of painful relationships in this particular branch of the family tree. As an adult, I have always tried to be kind and respectful to all of these relatives, while keeping my distance.
The relative who gave me this ring had used it to propose to his now ex-wife, and it was implied that I might use it to replace my engagement ring. (I have no idea why, as I love my engagement ring.) That is the only reason I can surmise that he gave it to me and not to any of his own children. He also said the ring originally belonged to my great-great-grandmother, but it actually belonged to her childless sister (who long survived her). I’m fairly certain that my mother was the only one of her siblings who visited my great-great-aunt on a regular basis.
My husband and I are newly married, and we find ourselves thinking about the value of this ring and how it could change our lives. A down payment on an apartment? A college fund for future children? And so on. We neither come from money nor make much money. If we sell this ring, it is a once-in-a-lifetime windfall.
I’m worried my relative would want the ring back if he knew I was considering selling it. But this is not the kind of sentimental heirloom that everyone in the extended family knows about, and part of me would not be surprised if he never asked about it again. He is also very wealthy, so as a financial asset the ring matters much more to me. Still, he could, one day, ask about the ring, and who knows what ugliness might ensue from this complicated family if I sold it. But I’m more concerned about my own ethics here — what are my rights regarding this gift, and what explanation do I owe? — Name Withheld
( On gifts )
ceretaMy concern is with my daughter and her new husband. They are both teachers in their late 30s. He has a history of overspending (apparently it runs in his family). He had a lot of debt when they met and my daughter helped him navigate paying down loans and credit cards. She has shared all of this with me. She said he still likes to spend on frivolous things.
They are expecting. I was unhappily surprised when I asked about summer plans and they are just taking it easy with no plans to earn extra money. I don’t want to attach any strings to this money, but I cannot stop thinking about him using it unwisely. What do you think about my asking my daughter how they plan to use the money? Or should I just get over it and let them handle it?
— Concerned
Concerned: There are lots of options between butting into their business or enabling their business. You could give them (some of) the money in a trust, for example, to both couples, to avoid a judgy look. Or you could set up an education savings account, one you control, for your coming grandchild. These may seem like “strings,” but they are darn generous ones, and they are smart.
I like this one the best: Since your daughter shared his history with you, you can talk to her about what she would prefer. Not in a controlly, “tsk at your unwise spending” way, but in a way that acknowledges a reality that your daughter has managed responsibly and trusted you enough to share.
Tell her you are mindful of how hard she and her husband have worked on excess spending and debt, and therefore want her input on this gift. Specifically, say you want to avoid putting her in a bad spot with a windfall, but you also want avoid interfering or attaching strings. Encourage her to give it some thought and come back to you with ideas, and offer her some starter ideas as well. An education account for the baby? A trust that pays out over time?
The main element of finding the “right” answer here, whatever it turns out to be, is not the money or the spending or the husband. It is your relationship with your daughter. If it is a good one, if she has shared her financial circumstances with you freely, in the spirit of openness and in trusting search of support, then you are in a position to say credibly that you are asking for her input on her behalf.
Because that is what it would be. Handing an addict a huge dose of a problematic substance has given us a rich library of outcomes to learn from. Giving your daughter a chance to act on the experiences of others instead of gaining her own the hard way is itself a sizable gift.
