Why Tho?: Can old people understand that disordered eating is bad?

[petrea_mitchell]

Actual headline: Why Tho? Body shaming grandma is older, but may be capable of hearing a correction, changing her behavior

Dear Lizzy,

I have a wonderful relationship with my generous free-spirited grandmother who I admire for so many reasons, one of them being her adventurous and curious nature. She definitely instilled a passion for travel within me. Which is why it’s so disappointing and difficult that I’m feeling anxiety before an upcoming trip to Mexico with her because of the many negative comments she’s made over the years about my body (and other family members’ bodies, like my mom and sister). Like when I once opened up to her about my bulimia episode as a teenager, she said, “Imagine how skinny you’d be if you were still throwing up!”

I know her perspective is coming from a different generation and likely her own deep-rooted insecurities, but as I get older and more comfortable with my own body, I still struggle to set boundaries with her on the topic.

Vacation Anxiety

Dear Vacation Anxiety,

First, let’s start with acknowledging how much it sucks that your grandma says things about your body that hurt your feelings. It does! You know how I know? It’s happened to me! I imagine it’s happened to a lot of people and it’s never great.

I don’t want to let your grandma off the hook and I don’t want to minimize the harm of her words, but I also want to say this: Both of my biological grandmas are dead and when I think about them, it’s not usually the negative comments about my appearance I remember. It’s more about how I miss them and what it would be like to talk to them about life now. Being a mom. Climate change. Things like that.

All that is to say, when dealing with this issue I think you should start with how lucky you are to have a grandma and one that you clearly love and who loves you. She’s taking you on vacation! Amazing!

Now, she is your grandma but she is also a person you respect. So, as hard as it is to say something vulnerable to your grandma, you should give her the chance to know how her actions are making you feel and change her behavior.

First, don’t assume she will say something hurtful. But if she does, in that moment say, “Grandma, I love you and care what you think and it really hurts my feelings when you talk about my body like that.”

She might get flustered or momentarily defensive, but it is something she needs to hear and, even though she’s older, she’s absolutely capable of hearing it and changing her behavior.

You are right – when someone says something hurtful about you, it’s almost always about them. I think this is a great opportunity to start a conversation with your grandma and learn more about her life and her experience. You could ask her why she is worried about your body. Ask her what pressure she’s felt in her life to look or act a certain way. Actually listen to her.

But what if your grandma isn’t receptive to hearing about your feelings and talking about her experience with her body?

Now you get to decide. You can either avoid this topic with your grandma on vacation and then actively not be around her afterwards or you can decide not to let what she says about your body have any bearing on how you feel about yourself. Hard, yes, but also, doable. You can love someone and let their words roll off your back. You are beautiful (I may not know you but I pretty much think everyone is beautiful) and your body is yours. You get to decide its value, not anyone else.

I miss my grandmas. I miss their perspective on a lot of things and knowing someone well who was born generations before you is like getting to step into a time machine. I feel like that about having a little kid, too. Grandmas inhabited a world with pressures we can’t comprehend, mainly because of the work they did so we wouldn’t have to. Hopefully, our daughters will be adults in a world that’s even better.

The change over our grandmas’ lifetimes and our mothers’ and ours and our daughters’ was, is and will be vast. So we have to give each other some allowances, the chance to change and a little space to be wrong. It’s uncomfortable, but I imagine one day, if we are lucky, we will be the old ladies. And I hope our granddaughters will love and respect us enough to show us how to change.

Good luck! Have a wonderful vacation!

Lizzy

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

AFAIK there is no recent decade in which bulimia was considered appropriate, and this is not an old person being old, just a person with their own peculiarly unhealthy ideas (or maybe someone with an inappropriate sense of humor).

[minoanmiss]

This reminds me of the people who lost parents early who have responded to my and others’ tales of being abused as children with “at least you have parents. How dare you not talk to them you ungrateful person”. ( this is fortunately a very small minority)

LW. I’m not going to say Cut Grandma Off but I do t recommend going on a trip with her when she can spend day and night pouring poison in your ear. Not caring what someone close to to you says when they verbally abuse you isn’t just hard but impossible.

[feast_of_regrets]

All of that! Valid advice for someone who says 'I'm going on vacation with someone who mistreats me' is never going to be 'How lucky for you!!! to still have this abusive person!! in your life!' I just can't understand why so many people seem to think that's all right.

[redbird]

Nowhere in there is any suggestion that the LW should prioritize her own health and feelings above those of her grandmother.

The columnist acknowledges that "I know it sucks" and then spends several paragraphs telling the LW to give her grandmother another chance to hurt her. LW says she has been trying to set boundaries, and signs the letter "vacation anxiety." That's someone who is clearly looking for either help setting boundaries; for someone to tell her it's OK not to go on the trip; or maybe advice on other ways to reduce her anxiety. "Stop being anxious" isn't useful advice, ever, and maybe especially.not to someone who is explicitly asking for help in doing exactly that.

Instead, the columnist jumps to giving the LW only bad two choices, namely "go and try to avoid the topic while on vacation, and then back off" and "go, and decide not to let it hurt." Maybe it's the grandmother's turn to "decide not to get upset" when her grandchild asks her to change something. I know, the grandmother didn't write in for help, but the asymmetry is telling.

[azurelunatic]

Lizzy, how about you take grandma on vacation and let LW have a lovely solo time?

[azurelunatic]

More reflectively:

LW, congratulations on surviving your eating disorder. That can't be taken for granted, and I know you did a whole lot of hard work to get where you are now.

Your grandmother is way out of line, and you may have to have a hard conversation with her now to properly enjoy your time with her on this trip, and make some hard decisions. It may be hard to make yourself vulnerable by asking her to refrain from making any comments about your body, or others' bodies, and telling her that you won't be able to enjoy the trip properly if she does comment. And if she does start making comments on the trip, your options for withdrawing from her presence and enjoying Mexico on your own could be limited, particularly if she's funding the trip.

[ioplokon]

yeah just avoid the topics of ................... food? and.......... having a body? while on vacation. I'm sure this will in no way impact your trip or activities.

I think it may be worth it for LW to talk w/ grandma about this stuff & try to salvage the relationship, but it's not really vacation material. I guess the other option would be to try to get more people to go on the Mexico trip to kind of diffuse the situation & make it possible for LW to take breaks w/o totally ditching g'ma.

[mommy]

The correct response to "My [relative]'s views on [topic] hurt me! How do I set boundaries with them?" is not "My [relative] is dead and I miss them. Just think about how you'll feel when your [relative] is dead!"

[green_grrl]

Good lord, THIS! I do not know who this Lizzy is, but encouraging LWs to be more accepting (doormat-y) about people with painful, boundary-stomping behaviors is 180 degrees from being a good advice columnist.

[r_tt_n]

I don't think Lizzy would enjoy what I have to say in response to that statement 🥴

[r_tt_n]

ngl I struggle to understand how LW can have "a wonderful relationship" with her grandma in these circumstances. My grandparents used to make negative comments about my body when I was a kid and my opinions and feelings towards them are... rather unkind, to put it some way. And none of the things they ever said was as fucked up as what this woman said, like I'm not judging LW but I genuinely can't process that she loves her still

[ethelmay]

It doesn't surprise me, given that the grandmother has a lot of other interests and it clearly isn't every minute that she's saying crap like this. But I think people have put up with it longer than they would have if she were also generally no fun to be around, and a lot of patterns have gotten set which are now harder to break. I think it is possible that the part of the response where Lizzy gives LW an actual script to use is not that bad, but the guilt-trip around it, ugh.

[cimorene]

There's not enough wtf for this bonkers answer. Just truly right off the wall. "Your letter reminded me of something so I'm not going to address it or really consider your concerns at all, instead making the entire column about me!" Buddy, you might want to be writing a different type of column.