Dear Care & Feeding: Autistic Sibling Neglected by Extended Family

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care & Feeding,

I’m 14 and have two siblings aged 11 (“Ben”) and almost 7 (“Eliza”). Ben is autistic, and so am I, although not as obviously as Ben is (he will have a meltdown in front of anyone; I will keep everything bottled up until I get home). Eliza is neurotypical and quite obviously the favorite on our mum’s side of the family (we don’t see our dad’s often), because she is small and cute—everyone buys her gifts all the time. I am not at all the favorite, but everyone still enjoys spending time with me and I am obviously appreciated.

But everyone always “forgets” Ben. They seem to view him as more of a difficult problem than a person. He never gets invited to anyone in the family’s house unless all three of us are invited. Our grandma will go on about how all of HER children were always perfectly behaved etc. whenever he has a meltdown. He isn’t really close with anyone in the extended family, and no one really seems to like him (at least not as much as they like me and Eliza). I have no clue how to bring this up with my mum as I know she will defend her family and say it just “seems” that no one likes Ben because Eliza is “small and cute” and I’m “more like an adult.” Any advice would be appreciated.

—Fed Up With Being the Favorite

Dear Fed Up,

Talk to your mom about what you’re noticing from the extended family; keep the focus on what you have observed and how it makes you feel, rather than speaking in absolutes (“Grandma always…”, “Nobody ever…”). It’s possible your mom has already noticed the same behavior that you have and is already trying to address it with her family, so try to give your mom the benefit of the doubt when you talk. Ask questions and be ready to talk about what kinds of things you’d want to be different. At the same time, though, be prepared for your mom to push back on you a little bit, depending on what kinds of expectations she thinks would be reasonable for these family members. Unfortunately, some folks simply don’t know how to interact with neurodivergent kids whose behaviors are unpredictable or extreme. It’s not necessarily a moral failing on your mom’s part if she’s unable to find a way to “fix” her family’s behavior. If you can come to this conversation already assuming you and your mom are on the same side, she may be less likely to be defensive, and you might get deeper insights as a result.

Beyond this conversation, think of other ways you can be your brother’s ally. The next time your grandma complains about him, maybe you can (respectfully) say, “He’s doing his best.” Lead by example, showing him patience, empathy, and acceptance. Publicly and privately, be there for Ben and let him know through your words and actions that you love, respect, and enjoy him. I obviously don’t know how aware Ben is of these family dynamics, but I know that as we grow up, we remember the people who showed up for us in our childhoods. You’re doing a good job as Ben’s big sister; keep going.

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

The advice seems fine as far as it goes, but maybe some effort could go into figuring out Ben's meltdown triggers and trying to get the family to work together to avoid them? And LW ought to speak up about alleviating whatever it is that they keep having to bottle up.

[jadelennox]

I want to sit down with LW and share experiences, because I was LW with my dad's mother. My oldest sister had some unapproved life experiences, so she got cancelled, and then my next older sister had a cognitive and physical disability, so she got cancelled. And what happened was, I gave up on my grandmother, because why on earth would I have a positive relationship with a woman who was awful to both my sisters?

And when my grandmother was nearing the end of her life, she would call and try to get me to go visit her, and never understood why I refused. She was awful to my sisters, bitchy to my mum, and not great to my dad, and somehow she thought she could pick and choose which one of us would value her.

This did not work out in her favor.

LW, 14 is too young to cut your grandmother out of your life for a reason like this, but it's not too young to be cold with her, and to straight up refuse to be friendly with people who are assholes to Ben, and to tell them why. "No thanks, Grandma, I don't want to go to the movies if you're not going to do something with Ben as well." "Thank for the invitation, Uncle Waldo, but I don't enjoy spending time with people who don't like Ben." Your mom might get ballistic; if you feel safe doing so, then shame your mother as well: "I am not okay with people who pick and choose which of your kids to love and value, mom, and I don't want to win that contest."

Then go spend time doing something you and Ben enjoy doing together, and fuck those assholes.

[laurajv]

I want to beam this to the LW.

[dissectionist]

The columnist assumed LW is a girl (referencing being a good “big sister”), but I don’t see anywhere where LW specified their own gender. Am I just missing it?

[laurajv]

often times the letters are edited for length, so it's not uncommon for the columnist to know things about the LW that the audience doesn't have access to.

[dissectionist]

Ah, that makes more sense. Thanks for the clarification!

[topaz_eyes]

It’s not necessarily a moral failing on your mom’s part if she’s unable to find a way to “fix” her family’s behavior.

I disagree. This letter seems to suggest that LW's mother has accepted her extended family's exclusion of and nastiness towards Ben. And Ben will be aware of this too.

This should not be on LW to fix. But since LW's mother seems to tolerate the extended family's awful attitude towards her son, good on LW for stepping up.

(I wonder if this letter has been edited for publication; this is good advice for all big siblings, not just big sisters.)

[conuly]

The odds of a child with two autistic older siblings being totally NT are very slim. Eliza may not be autistic, she may be a heck of a lot better at masking, she certainly is small and cute - but lots of non-NT girls lack a diagnosis.

Also, fuck LW's maternal grandma. What sort of passive aggressive bullshit is that?

[full_metal_ox]

…lots of non-NT girls lack a diagnosis.

I spent at least fifty years assuming that I was a Problem Incarnate.

[derridian]

Me too! Thanks to Youtube people for talking about their neurodivergences I'm now aware it's not that I was just "made wrong" :/