Dear Care and Feeding: You'll never guess my son's girlfriend's red flags! I am very smart.

[jadelennox]

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My son, “Dylan,” recently started university. We live reasonably close to the campus, about an hour and a half away by train, so visiting on weekends or holidays is a possibility, although Dylan made it fairly clear that he wanted to stretch his independence a bit and probably wasn’t going to be coming over much. So I was a bit surprised to hear that A) He wanted to come home this weekend with B) a girl he met at school, “Christine,” in tow. I’ve never met her in person, and I’ve only spoken to her just this once, but what I heard has me already wondering about all the red flags I’m seeing.

Apparently, they’re in the same P.E. martial arts class. Dylan’s done some kind of martial arts since he was 10 and is avid about it. Christine really liked him because, in her own words, “He’s the only one who will really hit me on the sparring mat” and she’s apparently looking forward to meeting me and showing off the bruises they’ve given each other. I knew he was taking martial arts for P.E., but I didn’t realize they’d be having full-contact co-ed sparring. And just the way this young lady talked, she almost seemed to fetishize fighting, and not in the adrenaline-fueled way Dylan sometimes talks about it, where he focuses on the techniques and how he put some trick or combination together. She kept talking in these excited, glowing terms about how it felt to have his fist collide with her cheek and the ache in her side the next morning after taking a kick. I’m sure there is something very wrong with that girl, but I’m also not quite sure how to warn my son about her.

—Bad Feelings About This

Dear Bad Feelings,

Dylan’s girlfriend may have some sort of kink as it relates to fighting, but I don’t think this is reason enough for you to worry, and it’s certainly not cause for you to say anything to him about it. An interest in taking blows in a martial arts class does not mean that she’s going to be craving violence in other areas of their relationship, or that she wants to be abused. Give this girl a chance to show you, and your son, more of who she is. Listen to what Dylan says when he talks about her. Take an active interest in the relationship and ask questions. But don’t let him know your concerns just yet. Without anything else damning to say about her, you’ll likely only isolate your son and discourage him from discussing the relationship with you.

—Jamilah