um

[ysobel]

From yesterday's Miss Manners:

Dear Miss Manners: The other night, around 6 p.m., my mother-in-law came to our house without a call or text. Just randomly showed up and started talking to us in the dining room.

I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and had timed it so that I could do other things while the food was in the oven. However, that was interrupted when she came by.

After 15 minutes, I took the food out, added sauce and put it back in for an additional 5 minutes. She saw me do this, and instead of leaving since it was clearly our dinnertime, she pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down! I'm not sure how she failed to read the room.

What is the best way to let her know, without seeming rude, that she should call or text before just popping in?

MM: This was not just any guest, and the term mother-in-law carries often-unjust overtones that are irrelevant to your situation.

If your husband's mother wants to drop by unannounced and stay for dinner, and your husband is unwilling to toss her out, you are stuck. But Miss Manners does not see why this should ruin your night.

Set her a place at the table. After dinner, she can sit with the rest of the family while you go about your evening. If she is still around when the kids go to sleep, your husband can sit with her while you catch up on work — or on a good book.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

… what if LW hadn’t cooked enough dinner for an extra guest? If I cook, say, four chicken breasts for four adult sized people it would be difficult to turn that into five servings. Not impossible but difficult

[conuly]

Go on vacation for a few weeks. When she calls, tell her you've moved to another country. Never tell her you came back. Problem solved, LW!

[matsushima]

It seems pretty straightforward to say something like "Please let me know if you're planning to drop by for dinner so I can make sure to cook enough for everyone!" but if MIL is coming over unannounced there are probably bigger problems with boundaries and this isn't really about dinner servings.

[ashbet]

^^^^ THIS.

[ysobel]

Yes and I hated that the advice boiled down to "your boundaries don't matter"

and I don't think etiquette books advise spontaneous dinnertime visits

[lilysea]

Yes, enough food is not the only problem

MIL should text/call first before dropping round

in case LW/LW's partner have had a stressful day

and Are Not Up For Company

[topaz_eyes]

No, Miss Manners, that's terrible advice. Imho mothers and MILs do not get special privileges to "drop by" unannounced and expect to be served dinner. Next time, LW, turn her away. (Make sure spouse is on board with this first.) Be as rude as you need to until she gets the point. "Sorry, MIL, but this is a bad time, you must come back later when we're finished dinner." "No, we don't have enough dinner to go around, because you didn't tell us you were coming. I don't have time to cook more."

[princessofgeeks]

I just feel like this is the tip of the iceberg.

Clearly this person is not on very good terms with her MIL or has very formal ideas of how her nights should be structured..which is not bad! Which is fine! But if this had happened to me at any point in my marriage, SOMETHING WAS UP.

Because neither my mom nor my MIL would have dropped by unannounced, EVER. If they did, I would have been concerned and focused on them. It would have been a weird thing that was a sign of something else going on with them. Is this MIL single? Widowed? Left FIL at home? What?

But if this is a recurring problem of her dropping by unannounced and unwelcome, then yes, the boundary stuff comes into play. If it's a one-off, that's not what is going on IMHO. Something else is behind it.

I feel like there is much more to this situation than what the LW presents.

[mrissa]

It looks to me like she didn't try using words? If this was an 8yo neighbor kid who had shown up to play with your kid, you'd say, "Well, kiddo, I hope you had a nice time, but we're going to have supper now, and we have a full evening planned after that, so we'll have to see you again some other time."

I'm lucky, we have a family story we always reference that is a no-fault no-anger get-out-of-my-house-though-I'm-busy catchphrase. We might say, "Welp, I hate to tell you [catchphrase] but I'm gonna." I think I have been underestimating how useful this is.

[cimorene]

There are families where it's fine to drop in without warning and where it actually does happen, but it isn't okay for that to continue even if that's her husband's family culture if LW isn't comfortable with it!

It's her husband's responsibility to handle getting rid of his mother in that case (unless the LW is willing to just do it herself, which is less likely). I don't understand where he is in this story, and it makes a difference whether he's clueless, absent, or aware but making it her problem.

[katiedid717]

Dear LW,

If this happens again, tell MIL "Oh, I wish I had known you planned to come over! Unfortunately, this really isn't a great night but let's touch base tomorrow and figure out a good day for a visit."

Dear Miss Manners,

Did you suffer cranial trauma recently? That's the only excuse I can think of for this piss-poor advice.

[firecat]

Wow, I didn’t know that “mother-in-law” was considered a slur now.

[likeaduck]

Vintage Miss Manners disagrees:

"Dropping in does not exist in proper modern society. Those who practice it should be prepared not to recognize by sight ladies who are trying to establish that they are not at home." (Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior)

[likeaduck]

Basically the advice that follows in the book is to not let people in the door, saying it's not a good time for guests. The problem in this instance is if the partner lets MIL in and then MIL expects LW to host. Is partner doing this? If so, it's a partner problem, they need to get on the same page and partner needs to ask MIL to call or text before coming over.