Dear Prudence: Really?

[cereta]

Link.

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together three years and live separately. He lost his wife six years ago and his children have not accepted any of his new romantic relationships. They are 23, 20, and 16. I actually worked with his eldest on a volunteer project, only for her to turn so nasty and hostile when she found out that I had dinner with her father that the coordinator had to keep us on separate schedules. It was bizarre. At that point, I would have considered us friendly.

My partner is a kind, loving man. He put his kids in therapy after he lost his wife, but the older two stopped going after they got older. He has assured his kids that he always will love their mother and would never try to replace her, but he doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. It hasn’t made a dent. I love him and wasn’t expecting it to be all sunshine and roses, but the kids refuse to warm up to me. Getting them to be civil is like pulling teeth. I hit my limit when his 16-year-old son took job that was out of town. He doesn’t drive and no one could pick him up after his shifts. It was, however, on my commute. I stupidly volunteered to pick him up.

What I got for my help was a sullen lump that refused to even make small talk about the weather. Then one time, I was about a half hour late due to traffic, my phone had died, and I forgot my charger. When I pulled up, he wasn’t there. He had gotten a ride with his manager. I drove to the house and knocked on the door to make sure he was okay. I apologized and he called me a bitch and slammed the door in my face. When I got home, I texted my partner about what happened and to consider my chauffeuring services over. We ended up getting in a fight because he seemed to think that forcing an apology out of his son was good enough. I told him that I am sorry his kids are still grieving but it wasn’t an excuse for them to treat me this way. We been on a break ever since.

His son lost his job because there was no one to pick him up. The other two have made social media posts making pretty open remarks blaming me. My partner has texted about how much he loves and misses me. He wants to marry me. My heart is aching. I truly love him. Is there any hope?

—Not Even a Stepmother

Dear Not Even,

Yes, but okay, I’m going to be real with you. You need to take some responsibility for the chauffeuring incident. You can’t really fault a teenager for not enthusiastically talking to you or being effusively grateful for the favor; teens literally treat the experience of being in a car with anyone who isn’t their friend like it’s the worst torture that humankind has ever endured. Your expectations on that front were too high, yes, but you also need to admit that you did kind of let him down by being late, even if it was due to forces beyond your control. A teenager (who’s still in mourning) does not have the neurons to be forgivably empathetic about that: All he knows is that you didn’t show up when you said you would, which probably triggered a deep-rooted fear that doesn’t not have to do with his mother’s death.

Of course he got a different ride. Then, when you confronted him, he became justifiably angry and reacted as much. You need to apologize to your partner’s son for not picking him up on time, full stop. (Be prepared to receive, best case scenario, a grunt in acknowledgement.) Then you need to make it clear to your partner that you do not appreciate name-calling, and would like him to communicate that to all of his kids. You need him to understand that you want a basic degree of respect, but he also needs you to understand that these are his kids, and they’re going to come first. The oldest two are adults and should be held to higher expectations; but the 16-year-old should get more leniency. It’s in adolescent wiring to say some ghastly shit to one’s own biological parents on the regular; you’re even more of a stranger to him, and you have to build up a little tolerance for him to teenage it out.

Comments

[cereta]

What the actual fuck, Prudie? (This is Delia, btw.) If this had been an isolated incident, you might, MIGHT have a point about LW's expectations, but it sounds like LW has been taking abuse for years. To take more of it when she's doing the kid a favor? NGL, I'd have been out of there long before things got this far.

[teaotter]

You need to apologize to your partner’s son for not picking him up on time, full stop. (Be prepared to receive, best case scenario, a grunt in acknowledgement.)

But LW specifically said they apologized, and the teen called her a name and slammed the door in her face.

Of course he got a different ride. Then, when you confronted him, he became justifiably angry and reacted as much.

Was something edited out of the letter? Because what's currently in the letter is neither a confrontation nor the sort of thing I'd say anyone could be "justifiably angry" about.

[topaz_eyes]

Uh, Prudie, did you skip reading this part? When I pulled up, he wasn’t there. He had gotten a ride with his manager. I drove to the house and knocked on the door to make sure he was okay. I apologized and he called me a bitch and slammed the door in my face. *LW apologized.* Teenager's behaviour is frankly unacceptable from anyone, even in this situation.

LW, I think you need to make the break from your partner permanent. It's clear his kids don't and won't respect you no matter how hard you try. Yes, the kids still miss their mom. That still doesn't give them the right to push all romantic partners out of their father's life. Unless Partner is willing to ensure his kids no longer treat you like dirt, you'll end up miserable if you stay with him.

[landofnowhere]

I feel like there may be a dynamic here where the kids are unwilling to admit that their father is not such a great guy and is taking it out on his romantic partners. Good parenting in this situation would have been for the father to problem-solve with his kid about other ways of getting to work, rather than to pressure LW to provide free rides for someone who has verbally abused her.

(Also I feel like even for the Victorians mourning did not last six years.)

[bookblather]

Yeah, I was thinking something similar. It feels like there's a missing dimension to this letter. Possibly one LW isn't even aware of.

[magid]

Yeah, the six years part was confusing me as to why the answerer was focused on their grieving. Because even if one is going to be belligerent/nonresponsive to the remaining parent's new partner, it's not the first year or two, so 'the kids are grieving' seems a bit much.

[dissectionist]

People generally don’t stop grieving after losing a parent during childhood. I used to work in Labor & Delivery, and for my patients who had lost parents during childhood, it would often come up during labor. They’re full-grown adults and it had been 10-30 years since losing their parent. But man, the missing parent in the labor room was fully present, if that makes sense.

So I don’t doubt that a 16-year-old who lost their parent when not even out of elementary school would still be intensely feeling it. Although they often pretend they don’t, teens still want their parents for ongoing support, sharing milestones, etc. Every day would be a reminder of loss as the kids around him discuss their own parents. He’s not in a situation where the loss could become distant.

[landofnowhere]

I think this may have been a reply to magid's reply? I appreciate your perspective, and agree that the kid is likely grieving, and probably will never stop. I just found the phrasing of "in mourning" odd, as to me that means a socially delimited period of time where grieving ones are given special consideration.

[julian]

"...a sullen lump that refused to even make small talk..."

Aka, a teenager.

"...knocked on the door to make sure he was okay. I apologized and he called me a bitch and slammed the door in my face..."

If I read my annoying teenagers right, he also felt as if she was guilt tripping him. She probably wasn't, but if someone is in X-tra Sensitive Land, it will often feel that way anyway.

Me, I *do* think 'forcing' an apology out of a sullen jerk is enough. If it'd've been me, I'd've taken him off to ice cream a couple times, and otherwise listened to the radio/podcasts while carpooling.

Anyway, all that aside: at the current moment, dooo not marry this dude, you are not the right mom for a bunch of carping half-communicative sad people. Maybe keep dating him and keep distance until everyone gains some more sanity points.

[sushiflop]

Yikes @ this advice.

[torachan]

I'm sorry that the youngest lost his mother at such a young age, but "in mourning" has a limit for bad behavior and six years is well past it.

[shreena]

I have a slightly different take on this.

The mother died 6 years ago. The LW has been with the father for three years and there have been multiple previous relationships

It sort of sounds like he stuck them in therapy, told them he couldn't possibly be alone and then started dating very fast.

I think most good parents would have been focused on their children not on dating.

They shouldn't take it out on the LW but I can understand that emotionally that might be easier than taking it out on your surviving parent

[zana16]

The psychological literature documents that men date quite soon after a death much more often than women, and that it’s not actually unhealthy or avoidant in most instances. That for some people, this is part of the way they grieve. The thing that can be unhealthy is that children and in-laws can feel that it’s a poor reflection on their father’s true feelings about their mother. But when you’ve just lost one parent, you’re not going to risk alienating the other - even teenagers often put a pause on teenage rebellion with their parents for a number of years after a death. They’re taking out their anger at their father on the LW.

And I notice that the father has done nothing to shut it down, so I think this relationship is doomed.

[shreena]

It's also the practical point that taking time away from your grieving children to date other women takes your time and energy and focus away from them when they need you most

[movingfinger]

That timeline jumped out at me also. Wife died six years ago, youngest was 10 and and oldest 17, Dad began dating soon enough to get through multiple partners before hooking up with LW three years ago.

I think Dad needs to focus on his relationship with the kids exclusively rather than his own romantic feels, until the youngest is well launched anyway. Therapy for Dad might have gone farther than throwing the kids into therapy.

[aflaminghalo]

The response to this is so wild. You absolutely should expect basic manners for chauffeuring.

That said
"been together three years and live separately. He lost his wife six years ago and his children have not accepted any of his new romantic relationships."

She and him have been together 3 years. He's had multiple romantic relationships before that. How soon after his wife died did he start dating again? Because it feels like he's created this whole situation.

[frenzy]

Maybe I am being far to empathetic here, but my dad died when I was 15 and my mom was dating a year later. I was never going to be OK with any of that, and ofc my ex-step-"dad" and I nearly went to physical blows several times. I moved out at 17 and never looked back.

I can't say I really started to learn how START grieving until I was 18 and in college. And took a great deal longer to heal (i.e., accept) with the entire fiasco. I didn't just lose my dad, I lost the mom I had, lost my home, and I was thrust upon the world.

So yeah the kids are being terrible, but considering the tumult she entered during, the kids are going to need kid gloves for like a decade if she sticks around that long.