Help! I Broke a Solemn Promise to My Husband in a Crisis. The Guilt Is Eating Me Alive.

[minoanmiss]

My husband is from a traditional culture. Women and men have separate roles and men support the family, or it’s a huge source of shame. I kept distance from his parents because I saw the ways they ran roughshod all over his siblings’ marriages with these values. When we got engaged, we promised each other at his request to keep his family from meddling in our marriage. We moved three hours away to help with this and for a long time, it was great.

In 2020, he was a COVID layoff. My job had a pay cut, but I was still working full time while managing remote school for our three kids. He wasn’t working, wasn’t parenting, was just there. By late 2021, the job market for his field was the hottest it’s ever been. He was barely applying and said he wasn’t ready to work again. We were broke, and he still refused to get any type of health screening. I felt trapped. I consulted a divorce attorney, who told me my chances for a fair split with child support were DOA if he wasn’t working. So I quietly worked the family grapevine to make sure his parents knew he was unemployed, turning down job offers, and that I was worried about supporting our kids on my income alone.

They were instantly on him. I felt so guilty but so relieved: They drove out to our place for a surprise visit where his dad lit into him about work. He told him to either take the job or come work for his oldest brother. His mom brought lots of food and lots of passive aggression. He took the job, and after he started, he got a depression screening. The combination of a work routine, therapy, and low dose SSRIs brought him back as a loving husband and involved dad. But I know he’s still working to shore up boundaries with his parents who took the incident as a reason to be in his business constantly. I feel so guilty for breaking his trust, but it saved our marriage. How do I live with this?

—Broken Promise Wife

Dear Broken Promise,

Honey, let go of that guilt. You say the promise you made was about keeping his parents and their values out of your marriage. That’s fair, but what happened here was that your husband was experiencing a mental health episode, your attempts to get through to him weren’t working, and your family was in crisis. So you tried something that you thought might help, and it did. Your husband’s health, and the stability of your family, are worth the time and work it will take to set boundaries with his parents again. Be sure to support him in that endeavor.

Comments

[conuly]

I'm not seeing that LW had much alternative to staging this intervention. And honestly, while parental help can go very badly wrong, in this case it seems to have gone right - therapy and medication, not (even more) shame and guilt.

[topaz_eyes]

he’s still working to shore up boundaries with his parents who took the incident as a reason to be in his business constantly

I agree, LW was running out of options. But now that spouse's parents believe they have the right to interfere again, it will be very hard for spouse to close the door without repercussions, including for LW.

[conuly]

Yeah, it's a sucky situation all around. But - he's getting therapy, so maybe the therapist can help! (Hopefully, the therapist is somewhat aware of the cultural issues or their help may not be as helpful as all that.)

[ashbet]

It’s not great, but it sounds like LW didn’t have a lot of options to get him the help that he needed :/

I’m not sure that her husband would have been better off if she had divorced him, which was one of the few other options, and one that she didn’t want to take…

I do hope that she’s being extremely supportive in shoring-up his boundaries with his family now.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, this is the bit that makes me bluescreen. I'm not sure it's POSSIBLE to set new boundaries with parents like that once the boundaries have been breached. The thought of my parents being called in to do this to me sends chills down my spine.

[minoanmiss]

Logically, that makes sense. But my inner child is screaming. I just -- if someone betrayed me to my parents ... I couldn't. I could never enforce any boundaries with them ever again. I don't think I could keep them from dragging me back to fundamentalist Christianity. But if I was doing so badly as to drive someone who depended on me to such desperation...

In conclusion I will be thinking of this as I take my psych meds, I guess.

[conuly]

It does seem possible that his parents aren't quite as bad as yours. I mean, they seem to have forced him to get treated for his depression - they don't seem to be dragging him to religious services against his will.

Though it's possible for something to both be a betrayal and also crucially necessary, and it's understandable for a person to say "I get why you did it, and I understand it, but I still cannot forgive it". Not logical, maybe, but... well, we're not, are we?

[melannen]

Yeah, I would feel less sympathetic to LW if a) he'd been actually no-contact with the parents instead of just "we both agreed to keep his parents from meddling" and b) if she'd actually contacted the parents herself instead of just putting it out on the grapevine - the parents hopefully don't have any idea she passed the info along on purpose, and see (or ignore!) the same boundaries as ever.

Of course we only see LW's POV so it's really hard to know if the parents are way worse than she knows, but from what's in the letter it doesn't sound like he's interpreting it as an actual abuse situation, more an intractable cultural disagreement about appropriate adult boundaries.

[melannen]

The unanswered question here is: does your husband know what you did? If not, tell him. Tell him the whole story about how desperate and unsupported you were and how relieved you are to see him happier and doing better and how horrible you felt about doing it but you couldn't see any other options but divorce, but: tell him. If he doesn't know, I suspect a lot of what you're feeling guilty about is lying to him, not breaking the promise.

He might react poorly, though if he is worth anything as a husband, I expect he'll react better than you think, and it will let you clear the air and get stronger - and be a better united front against his parents going forward. (and if he does react unfixably badly, well, you'll get a lot more child support in the divorce now.)

[likeaduck]

Does he know the whole story, what you did, and why you did it? If not, tell him.

Does he feel like he is doing better? Or does he still feel just as lost and is pushing through it now to show up and put on a brave face? Is there space for him to talk about the ways he may still be struggling? If you don't know, ask him.

Did the breach of trust harm your openness and intimacy and ability to share with each other?

You stopped working as a team with him because he'd stopped working as a team with you, but working as a team isn't just about doing the things you've said, it's about keeping on talking about your needs and your feelings and keeping on shoping up for each other. Maybe you're doing this! But if you're not, talk about it--how abandoned you felt, how desperate you were, how relieved you feel now, and also, how you want to work together going forward, how you are still available to hear and support your partner.