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agonyaunt2024-06-04 02:27 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-06-04 02:27 am
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No One Knows The Truth About My Well Known Parents
I slightly reworded the subject line for brevity.
My Parents Are Famous in Their Profession. No One Knows the Truth About Them.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My parents come across as amazing people. They are both well-known academics in their fields and active in social justice circles. They use much of their generational wealth for philanthropic projects. My mom sits on the board of a famous charity; my dad is liked wherever he goes.
They were also profoundly, viciously abusive to me when I was growing up, and they kicked me out when I was 17 and they found out I was gay. They made efforts to reconnect with me a few years later, and I’m ashamed to say I accepted money from them to avoid being homeless again. They told me that as long as I remained single, they were willing to financially support me. I abided by their terms, took a lot more abuse, and got a college degree. The second I was able to support myself and get scholarships for my postgraduate education, I stopped speaking to them. At that point, they told everyone who would listen that their son cruelly cut them off and was a drug addict who stole from them (not remotely true).
It has been years now, and I still encounter people in my own field who know my parents or know of them, and think they’re wonderful people. When I’ve briefly indicated that we don’t speak anymore, I get pressed for reasons. If I invoke homophobia, people actually argue with me (this simply cannot be true, they insist). It’s unbearable. My time in therapy didn’t prepare me for this sort of exchange. What are you supposed to do when you encounter people who defend your abusers? How should I respond? My policy has been to grimace and disengage, but people still press. I’m worried I might snap someday and reveal horrible details of my upbringing. Can you advise on how to handle this and what to say when this happens?
—Son of Champagne Social Justice Warriors
Dear Son,
I’m so sorry your parents failed you, harmed you, and continue to wrong you. You’re right, of course: They’re hypocrites, and no amount of social justice activism or good-cause philanthropy makes up for being abusive parents. I don’t have to tell you that, I know. But while I imagine that it’s intensely painful to hear people talk about how wonderful they are, when you know better, I don’t think it’s serving you to (even) “briefly indicate” that you are estranged from them. It invites a question you don’t want to be asked, because you know what the reaction to your response will be. Now, if the person going on and on about your parents’ greatness is someone you feel close to—or would like to get closer to—then it’s worth a real conversation, in which you are honest (and you do reveal important, though horrible, details about your life, your upbringing, and your parents’ false fronts).
But if—as I think you’re saying—the people you’re having these conversations with are colleagues in your field with whom you don’t have a personal relationship, scholarly acquaintances you run into once a year at conferences, or complete strangers with whom you’re exchanging polite chatter, who bring up your parents and sing their praises, I would suggest you nod, say something noncommittal, and move on to another subject. If they insist on going on about these paragons of excellence, a blank look is a nice rejoinder—as is a shrug in response to, “It must be so wonderful, having such parents!” Only the rudest of people would press on (and it’s perfectly OK to excuse yourself and walk away from such people). In other words: You don’t have to engage with others on this painful subject. Not unless you want to. And then, if you do, let it be on your terms, for your own reasons.
—Michelle
My Parents Are Famous in Their Profession. No One Knows the Truth About Them.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My parents come across as amazing people. They are both well-known academics in their fields and active in social justice circles. They use much of their generational wealth for philanthropic projects. My mom sits on the board of a famous charity; my dad is liked wherever he goes.
They were also profoundly, viciously abusive to me when I was growing up, and they kicked me out when I was 17 and they found out I was gay. They made efforts to reconnect with me a few years later, and I’m ashamed to say I accepted money from them to avoid being homeless again. They told me that as long as I remained single, they were willing to financially support me. I abided by their terms, took a lot more abuse, and got a college degree. The second I was able to support myself and get scholarships for my postgraduate education, I stopped speaking to them. At that point, they told everyone who would listen that their son cruelly cut them off and was a drug addict who stole from them (not remotely true).
It has been years now, and I still encounter people in my own field who know my parents or know of them, and think they’re wonderful people. When I’ve briefly indicated that we don’t speak anymore, I get pressed for reasons. If I invoke homophobia, people actually argue with me (this simply cannot be true, they insist). It’s unbearable. My time in therapy didn’t prepare me for this sort of exchange. What are you supposed to do when you encounter people who defend your abusers? How should I respond? My policy has been to grimace and disengage, but people still press. I’m worried I might snap someday and reveal horrible details of my upbringing. Can you advise on how to handle this and what to say when this happens?
—Son of Champagne Social Justice Warriors
Dear Son,
I’m so sorry your parents failed you, harmed you, and continue to wrong you. You’re right, of course: They’re hypocrites, and no amount of social justice activism or good-cause philanthropy makes up for being abusive parents. I don’t have to tell you that, I know. But while I imagine that it’s intensely painful to hear people talk about how wonderful they are, when you know better, I don’t think it’s serving you to (even) “briefly indicate” that you are estranged from them. It invites a question you don’t want to be asked, because you know what the reaction to your response will be. Now, if the person going on and on about your parents’ greatness is someone you feel close to—or would like to get closer to—then it’s worth a real conversation, in which you are honest (and you do reveal important, though horrible, details about your life, your upbringing, and your parents’ false fronts).
But if—as I think you’re saying—the people you’re having these conversations with are colleagues in your field with whom you don’t have a personal relationship, scholarly acquaintances you run into once a year at conferences, or complete strangers with whom you’re exchanging polite chatter, who bring up your parents and sing their praises, I would suggest you nod, say something noncommittal, and move on to another subject. If they insist on going on about these paragons of excellence, a blank look is a nice rejoinder—as is a shrug in response to, “It must be so wonderful, having such parents!” Only the rudest of people would press on (and it’s perfectly OK to excuse yourself and walk away from such people). In other words: You don’t have to engage with others on this painful subject. Not unless you want to. And then, if you do, let it be on your terms, for your own reasons.
—Michelle