agonyaunt | Ask a Manager: My Dad is Sending Job Applications in My Name

I’m a recent graduate who’s been job hunting for the past few months. I live with my parents and recently, I’ve discovered my father has been applying for jobs pretending to be me. On top of that, he’s gone out of his way to personally email CEO’s from various companies and design agencies asking to be hired. I’m not sure how long he’s been doing this for, but I’m guessing it’s been a good few months. I can understand that he’s worried since my job search has been fruitless so far, but I feel extremely betrayed since he’s crossed a lot of boundaries.

The emails he sent are poorly formatted with different font styles and sizes, and as he didn’t have access to my cover letter, he created one himself, which is also not very well formatted and is badly designed. I’m worried this whole situation will reflect poorly upon me, considering that I’m applying for positions in the graphic design industry. It really upsets me, especially since I’ve put so much effort in creating my own resume and cover letter templates and self-branding to better establish myself as a designer, it just feels like my efforts are all in vain and that my dad doesn’t even have any faith in me. My fruitless job search has already made me feel like an immense failure, and this whole debacle is heavily impacting my mental health.

My dad’s quite a difficult person to deal with. I have tried talking to him several times and asking him to stop, but he feels that I’m being disrespectful and claims he isn’t doing this for himself and is just helping me. He did stop for a while, but only once my mum got involved, so I think it’s safe to say my words don’t hold any weight to him really. But I think he’s started this all again, since I recently received an interview offer for an unpaid internship which I never applied to. I feel like the problem lies with him not seeing me as an adult, he still treats me like a naive child, which is very frustrating.

I also feel like my dad isn’t taking me seriously. For example, last night I sent him a lengthy text asking him to stop sending out those applications, and explained how it could be detrimental to me professionally. I also mentioned that he doesn’t need to worry as I am active in my job search, and I have my own network and a professional mentor to reach out to should I need any help, but he just responded by sending me a bunch of job listings.

I guess I’ve accepted that I can’t guarantee he’ll stop, so instead I’m worried about the ramifications it would have. I’m worried that if I apply to the same companies in the future, there’s a chance they’d recognize “my” application, and I’m extremely worried that this has made me look like a bad candidate overall. Does it pose the possibility of jeopardizing my chances in the future? I haven’t even stepped into the working world and I already feel like my potential career is at risk. Am I wrong or overthinking this?

I just want to make sure that this won’t harm my career, and if it does pose a danger, then I guess I can explain that to my dad. I know as a parent he feels like his actions are just, and in his eyes he’s just doing his best to help, but if he realizes this is causing me more harm than good, I am hoping he would stop.

I’m so sorry your father is doing this to you. It’s incredibly disrespectful and undermining. On an emotional level, it says he doesn’t trust you to manage your life like a capable adult — but please know that’s entirely about him and not you.

The way I know that is that his actions are so grossly inappropriate and undermining that no reasonable parent would do what he’s doing. If he were a reasonable parent who had genuine cause for doubting your ability to manage your life, there are a bunch of different steps he’d take — straightforward conversation, coaching you from the sidelines, maybe offering to pay for career counseling — but at no point would a reasonable parent conclude that they should apply for jobs as you. So the choices he’s making here tell us for sure that this is about him, not you. (I’m guessing it comes from a deep need for control and a belief that he knows best, plus some kind of deeply-rooted fear about the world. He can’t trust you to navigate the world on your own, not because you are incompetent but because on some level the world is that scary to him.)

As for whether what he’s doing poses a danger to you professionally: Yes, it does. If he’s sending bad applications to places you might want to apply to, it could harm your chances with them in the future. Not every company will look at your previous applications, but some will. (That said, to set your mind a little at ease, if your more recent application is strong, they may not care about the earlier, weaker one — figuring you improved your skills, as many people do — but obviously you don’t want that muddying the waters.)

Also, I’m assuming he has no way of knowing where you’ve already applied, so what if he sends “his” application for you to a place where you’re already under consideration? Now they’re going to wonder why you’re applying a second time (and will assume you’re disorganized) and the second, worse application will count against you when they consider your candidacy.

And that’s all before even getting into the fact that he’s misrepresenting you since he’s not providing accurate examples of your writing or your design skills.

If it will help to tell him that you received professional advice that his actions are harming you, feel free to cite me saying that. I think you should also try to enlist your mom’s help again, since it sounds like she did get him to stop for a while.

Frankly, if you didn’t live with your parents, I’d suggest you just tell him you’ve found a job, in the hopes that that would stop him from continuing to apply places on your behalf. Since you live with them, that’s not practical. (But maybe you could have a fake change of heart about your field and tell him you’re now targeting jobs in some other industry, in the hopes that he’ll start directing his applications there instead…)

All of that is about hoping he’ll change, though, and you’re right to accept that you can’t force him to. Ultimately it’s unlikely that what he’s doing will make it impossible to find a job, just potentially harder.

When you do find a job, I would strongly, strongly recommend telling him nothing identifiable about it — for example, you should say “small company that does X” rather than telling him the company name — because he might not respect boundaries once you’re employed either. And once you move out (which you will probably benefit from doing as soon as you can), make sure he’s on a strict information diet — the less he knows about your professional life, the less he’ll be able to interfere in it.

I’m sorry that’s the case; it’s a hard thing to accept about a parent.

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I have to be quick, but two deeply annoyed observations:

1) when people say "parents know best" this is the kind of bullshit they're condoning.

2) the comments fall into two groups: protect your identity and get out (correct) and try to reason with dad, maybe using the AAM article as evidence he's wrong (WRONG SO WRONG) I STG, many people who weren't abused think everyone is rational. I'm personally not sure if even a preponderance of humans are rational.

Yup. Dad has already proven he’s beyond behaving reasonably. Just run.

I feel like this needs more than "run" because he's still hurting her even if she's out. It needs something more substantial, like "dad, you are hurting my chances in my career, I don't care if you don't believe me, and this is a hard line for me: if you don't stop, our relationship is over, and I will cut you permanently out of my life." This requires having a place to squat during the job hunt, though, because threats should never be made if you aren't willing to go through with them.

Is this extreme? Yes. But the dad might be completely dicking LW over for years, and if nothing else will stop it, I don't even know. It would go easier if the mum could be enlisted, but it doesn't sound like her response was any more than, "oh, dear, now, stop it!"

Alternately she could also threaten to report the dad for identity theft but that's a lot more nuclear than threatening to leave.

I do wonder if the dad has some mental health things going on, though? This is such weird behavior.

Exactly. This is SUPREMELY bizarre.

And I agree with your prescription. This totally seems like the kind of backstory a character would have for why they legally changed their name (although she might have to, idk, go into witness protection in order to successfully stop his ability to do this - assuming she's not willing to cut off contact with everyone he interacts with as well, he's likely enough to learn what her new name is).

many people who weren't abused think everyone is rational

YES!!! to this. People hang onto the idea that surely, surely if you just explain it correctly the problem will be resolved until they experience that malice themselves. Huge flaw in human society.

There seems to be a third group, saying something like "you should get out, but in the meantime is there an older relative who might be able to get him to stop?"

If the father believes that he's trying to help, he might listen to his own parents or older brother telling him that of course we all want Letter Writer to do well, and that means he should stop impersonating her, maybe with a bit of "things are different than when you were starting out" lubrication. That LW's mother getting involved helped for a while suggests this approach might be worth a try.

I'm not sure everyone who wants to argue with the abusive dad is coming from a position that he's rational. We're talking about abuse that happens at a distance, so just getting away physically won't stop it. Many protections against identity theft are designed as protections against theft; if she wanted to stop her dad from borrowing money in her name and running down her credit rating, I think she'd have more tools available than to stop this kind of reputation attack.

And even if he IS rational, he may respond to a rational argument like "If you stop doing this, your daughter will visit on holidays. If this goes on then you will never see her again." That seems like a different scale of thing than "your behavior is harmful and you should stop."

The divide between AAM commenters who see this for what it is and those who do not is obvious and wide. There are no excuses for what the father is doing, there is no good to come of it, and the LW's best option is to get out of there at whatever cost it takes.

Putting aside the personal family problems (LW needs to lock down all forms of identification, access to bank, etc and go no-contact with Dad and probably no or very-low contact with anybody still in touch with him) I wonder if LW can start applying to jobs as I. Middlename Lastname instead of Firstname I. Lastname. I do know people who have done that either because they don't like their first name or because this is a racist society and their first name is not helping them get hired, and it might keep people from realizing those bad fake applications are the same person as the good ones.

Yeah, if she can go with a different version of her name such as initials or even just middle name, and also get a different email, so that both the email and name are different from what he's sending out, then that should help a lot to differentiate. I really don't think this guy is going to stop, so trying to mitigate the effects is probably the best way to go.

One does wonder a bit about him answering her with job postings. Oh, are they the ones he rejected as beneath impersonation or what? How does he choose which ones he's going to impersonate her for???

Or, "Fine, I was going to help you with these but if you're going to be unappreciative, here, do it yourself!"

I was totally going to come here to post this. And another HELL YES! to the fact that people who have not been abused don't understand you can't be rational with abusers. She needs bigger advice than this. Bc this isn't just a work related question. She does need to secure her docs, get a new bank acct, post office e box, and a new place to live. But until she can scrape some money by she just need a couch to land on. I wish her the best bc this person is going to continue to hurt her in ways she doesn't understand yet

Ask a Manager: My Dad is Sending Job Applications in My Name

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