Dear Care and Feeding: You'll never guess my son's girlfriend's red flags! I am very smart.

[jadelennox]

source

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son, “Dylan,” recently started university. We live reasonably close to the campus, about an hour and a half away by train, so visiting on weekends or holidays is a possibility, although Dylan made it fairly clear that he wanted to stretch his independence a bit and probably wasn’t going to be coming over much. So I was a bit surprised to hear that A) He wanted to come home this weekend with B) a girl he met at school, “Christine,” in tow. I’ve never met her in person, and I’ve only spoken to her just this once, but what I heard has me already wondering about all the red flags I’m seeing.

Apparently, they’re in the same P.E. martial arts class. Dylan’s done some kind of martial arts since he was 10 and is avid about it. Christine really liked him because, in her own words, “He’s the only one who will really hit me on the sparring mat” and she’s apparently looking forward to meeting me and showing off the bruises they’ve given each other. I knew he was taking martial arts for P.E., but I didn’t realize they’d be having full-contact co-ed sparring. And just the way this young lady talked, she almost seemed to fetishize fighting, and not in the adrenaline-fueled way Dylan sometimes talks about it, where he focuses on the techniques and how he put some trick or combination together. She kept talking in these excited, glowing terms about how it felt to have his fist collide with her cheek and the ache in her side the next morning after taking a kick. I’m sure there is something very wrong with that girl, but I’m also not quite sure how to warn my son about her.

—Bad Feelings About This

Dear Bad Feelings,

Dylan’s girlfriend may have some sort of kink as it relates to fighting, but I don’t think this is reason enough for you to worry, and it’s certainly not cause for you to say anything to him about it. An interest in taking blows in a martial arts class does not mean that she’s going to be craving violence in other areas of their relationship, or that she wants to be abused. Give this girl a chance to show you, and your son, more of who she is. Listen to what Dylan says when he talks about her. Take an active interest in the relationship and ask questions. But don’t let him know your concerns just yet. Without anything else damning to say about her, you’ll likely only isolate your son and discourage him from discussing the relationship with you.

—Jamilah

Comments

[jadelennox]

Jamilah,

Why are you engaging with this person's concerns as if they're potentially legit but misguided? LW had one phone call, they are clearly weirded out that Dylan likes a girl enough to bring home, and they are obviously appalled about "full-contact co-ed sparring". You really don't need to acknowledge the possibility that Christine has "may have some sort of kink as it relates to fighting" where Dylan only has "adrenaline-fueled" respect for techniques, because LW is a patriarchal weirdo who is grossed out by girls who do martial arts and by their son having a GF.

[ashbet]

YUP.

Also, the phrase “she wants to be abused” should never, ever be uttered.

Even to say “oh, THIS girl doesn’t want it” implies that there are some people who DO “want” abuse.

I’m friends with a couple who are very into martial arts, as well as their elementary-age son, and they sometimes post especially dramatic bruises from tournament bouts on FB!!

(The son’s girlfriend may have been slightly-awkwardly trying to talk to her boyfriend’s parents about their shared interest in a complimentary way, since she doesn’t know them and was trying to connect!)

But, yeah, bad advice and judgy LW.

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW:

you are wrong genre savvy. Instead of being in a thriller movie where you eventually have to rescue your son from this Evil Violent Femme, you are in real life, where it is normal for children grow up and find sweeties and a bad idea for parents to unnecessarily pathologize that process.

You're also hella judgy.

-- Me

[ethelmay]

I do think it is a little weird that she puts it in those terms to the guy's parents whom she has just met. "He treats me as an equal sparring partner" would be plenty. In fact I think my brother's college girlfriend said something a little like that (they both did karate). I agree the parents are being even weirder, with way less excuse.

[minoanmiss]

Depending on the medium of communication maybe she nervous-babbled TMI and is currently bonking her head on her dorm room wall.

[p_cocincinus]

Since LW said "I've only spoken to her once," it sounds like it was probably a phone call or a FaceTime and I bet you are 100% correct.

[joyeuce]

Possibly nervous-babbled in response to LW's reaction to the concept of "full-contact co-ed sparring"!

[mommy]

Both of the lovebirds are into martial arts which generally involves hitting one another, and the girlfriend got a bit more graphic than is polite about how LW's son gave his all when sparring her. I'm more concerned about LW's concern regarding "full-contact co-ed sparring."

[ethelmay]

This. My mother didn't think her son and his girlfriend being in a "co-ed" karate class was weird forty years ago (gawd, I am old).

[jamoche]

.. omg, ditto. I worked my way through college by teaching karate. 40 years ago. And yes, female, and yes, I can kind of relate to the GF.

There's a scene in a football movie from that era where a football player is recalling the previous day's game - wincing at every bad hit, smiling at every good one. And *all* of us, male and female, were going "yep, that's the day after a tournament, all right".

[harpers_child]

I'm meat-space friends with a m/f married couple who do medieval reenactment fighting and both cheerfully post pictures to social media of nasty bruises they got at practice, so maybe I'm coming at this from a weird angle, but Christine talking about how Dylan hits her during spars seems totally normal for people who engage in combat related hobbies. LW needs to get over themself and maybe find a hobby to occupy their time.

[conuly]

Why do some parents act like this?

[tielan]

"full-contact co-ed sparring"

Now I kinda wanta know if LW is religious.

[katiedid717]

I worked security for 5 years, going through training when I was 19. I remember going home after the self-defense class and going on and on about how much better the second half went when I was consistently paired up with the only guy who didn't treat me like I was delicate just because I was a girl - I felt so much more confident about my training when I was actually putting the things I was learning into practice, rather than doing a weird pantomime. I'm guessing Christine feels the same way and that this mother is blowing everything waaay out of proportion.