Care & Feeding: Orphans vs Abused Kids, the next generation

[minoanmiss]

Actual title: My Husband Thinks I’m Crazy to Reject My Parents’ “Help” With Our New Baby

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I are expecting our first baby. We don’t have the means to pay for some of the things we would like for the baby, like a high-end stroller, though we can afford to buy secondhand or to settle for items that are more affordable when new. My husband’s parents are deceased; my parents are alive. And my parents have a lot of money and would like to buy things for the baby. But I do not want to accept more than a small gift from them, because in my experience, anything I accept beyond the smallest of gifts from them comes with too many strings attached.

They are very controlling, and they seem to feel that big-ticket purchases buy them the right to control my life. My husband says to swallow my pride and accept everything they offer because this is not all about me. My point of view is that it’s just not worth it, since we can provide the basics on our own and remain independent from my parents. What do you think?

—No Strings Attached Mom

Dear NSAM,

I think, first of all, that you are the expert, not your husband, when it comes to dealing with your parents. It’s all well and good for him to tell you to swallow your pride, but “pride” is his interpretation of what this is about. I think he’s failing at empathy—but I also think there may be more to this than meets the eye. There may be a bit of “sure, your parents are difficult, but just try having no parents” in the mix of his feelings (and lack of feelings) about this situation.


I also think that navigating a relationship that comes with strings attached is no picnic, and if you have figured out a way to manage your parents’ behavior that allows you to keep them in your life without their taking it over, I applaud you. Stick to your guns. What you seem to have pulled off is extremely difficult (your husband has no idea).

Finally: if you and your husband were in a perilous financial situation—if this were a choice between a roof over your heads or not, or adequate health care, or anything else that would profoundly affect the safety and well-being of your child—I would tell you to think hard about whether there might be a way to protect yourself from your parents’ intrusiveness while availing yourself of their help. But thankfully you are not in dire straits. You do not have to do anything of the kind. Assure your husband that your child-to-be will be just fine without the bells and whistles of the highest-ticket brand-new baby items. (And don’t tell him I said so, but I think he’s being greedy, which is decidedly unattractive. I hope he gets over this quickly, before he has a chance to demonstrate and teach it to his child.)

—Michelle

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Apropos of nothing, I really hate the phrase "it's not all about you", for reasons I will not get into at this time. And I find myself wondering if the husband is willing to make LW abase herself before her parents, when will he want her to abase herself before him?

[julian]

Strings matter, and what she's doing *is* hard. And go Michelle for recognizing it.

[xenacryst]

The last little bit of the answer is very apropos. As a parent, I can tell you that the baby does not care one whit whether they get the Rolls Royce baby stroller or the used Corolla, or any other item, as long as it basically works (sure, luxuries are luxuries for you and you might have minor preferences). However, unless you're going to have many kids and get a lot of use out of expensive items, what will happen is that they'll pile up in the basement when the kid outgrows them, and unless you've found a better donation system than I have, you'll be stuck with stuff that you have no use for that you don't want to throw away (there are many places, like Goodwill, that cannot accept baby items for legal and health reasons, and other things like car seats actually have expiration dates even if they seem perfectly fine).

The one exception to this is generic cloth diapers (not the specialized ones, though). Those make very nice cleaning rags for years to come.

[harpers_child]

Generic cloth diapers and burp cloths are the best cleaning rags.

[castiron]

This. When Middle was born, since I still had the stroller I'd used for Oldest, I used it; it was older and grungier, but it still worked and was not a health hazard. (And even if I'd needed to replace it because it was now unsafe, I could've gotten an even nicer stroller for cheap or free from an acquaintance offloading their baby stuff.)

Babies need less-stressed parents more than they need fancy stuff.

[laurajv]

I am lucky enough to have many younger siblings and I passed on SO much baby stuff to them. I still have a sit-n-stand, bc sometimes family comes to visit and it's convenient to have a stroller they can borrow instead of lugging one across the country....but even WITH multiple younger siblings who were happy to accept my old gear, it still took me years and years to foist it all off on people.

[resonant]

Aside from the specifics here, I would worry about a husband basically saying, "You've said that gifts from your parents come with unacceptable strings attached, but I don't believe you."

The baby's not even here yet. LW's parents are certainly not going to get LESS controlling when they're grandparents. LW is going to need her husband on the same page, and it worries me that he's not listening.