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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a mom to two boys: “Will,” who is 20, and “James,” who is 18. James has always been a nice, shy, rule-following kiddo. A bit of a goody-two-shoes, even. I always assumed that at some point, James would break out of his shell and rebel. However, that hasn’t ever happened and now I’m wondering if I should be worried.
James is a first-year at the same college his brother attends. I’ve been trying to encourage Will to bring James to parties with him and get him to enjoy himself and make the most of all that college has to offer. Unfortunately, Will says that James isn’t interested. Instead, James seems to focus on his schoolwork and G-rated hobbies like reading and playing the piano. He has a thing for a guy in one of his classes, but is too nervous to approach him. I don’t think he’s ever gotten drunk or high or had sex.
I look back on my own college years and have fond memories of the freedom of student life. I’m sad that James might not have those same experiences. I’m also slightly worried, because it’s normal and healthy for kids his age to rebel. It makes me wonder if there’s something I should be concerned about. Could he be depressed? Have we not done enough as parents to ensure that it is safe and encouraged for him to rebel? Is he just a late bloomer?
— Too Good to Be True?
Dear Too Good,
Of course James could be depressed or struggling somehow, but I think it would manifest in ways other than sobriety and a general aversion to parties. You probably need more than “he’s not a partier” and secondhand (kinda biased?) info from his more outgoing big brother to assume depression. It also feels like a leap to assume that his lack of partying means he hasn’t had sex, gotten drunk, or had any other experiences outside his dorm room! How does he sound when you actually see and talk with him? Does he have friends, people he cares about and hangs out with? Are his grades okay? Does he have pursuits he enjoys? Does he sound content?
It could be that James is a late bloomer. It could just be that he likes different things than you did at his age, and different things than his brother. And, okay, maybe he’s not a rebel, but it’s worth noting that rebellion can look a lot of different ways. One way could be not doing exactly what your parents expected you to do, or not following in the footsteps of your older brother who goes to your same school.
Listen to James, try to understand what’s really going on in his life from a distance, and try not to continually compare him to his brother or a younger version of yourself if you can help it. If you notice some red flags, by all means follow up. But without more evidence, I think it’s safe to assume that he’s carving his own path—maybe he’s just doing it a bit more quietly.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/college-behavior-care-and-feeding-advice.html
I am a mom to two boys: “Will,” who is 20, and “James,” who is 18. James has always been a nice, shy, rule-following kiddo. A bit of a goody-two-shoes, even. I always assumed that at some point, James would break out of his shell and rebel. However, that hasn’t ever happened and now I’m wondering if I should be worried.
James is a first-year at the same college his brother attends. I’ve been trying to encourage Will to bring James to parties with him and get him to enjoy himself and make the most of all that college has to offer. Unfortunately, Will says that James isn’t interested. Instead, James seems to focus on his schoolwork and G-rated hobbies like reading and playing the piano. He has a thing for a guy in one of his classes, but is too nervous to approach him. I don’t think he’s ever gotten drunk or high or had sex.
I look back on my own college years and have fond memories of the freedom of student life. I’m sad that James might not have those same experiences. I’m also slightly worried, because it’s normal and healthy for kids his age to rebel. It makes me wonder if there’s something I should be concerned about. Could he be depressed? Have we not done enough as parents to ensure that it is safe and encouraged for him to rebel? Is he just a late bloomer?
— Too Good to Be True?
Dear Too Good,
Of course James could be depressed or struggling somehow, but I think it would manifest in ways other than sobriety and a general aversion to parties. You probably need more than “he’s not a partier” and secondhand (kinda biased?) info from his more outgoing big brother to assume depression. It also feels like a leap to assume that his lack of partying means he hasn’t had sex, gotten drunk, or had any other experiences outside his dorm room! How does he sound when you actually see and talk with him? Does he have friends, people he cares about and hangs out with? Are his grades okay? Does he have pursuits he enjoys? Does he sound content?
It could be that James is a late bloomer. It could just be that he likes different things than you did at his age, and different things than his brother. And, okay, maybe he’s not a rebel, but it’s worth noting that rebellion can look a lot of different ways. One way could be not doing exactly what your parents expected you to do, or not following in the footsteps of your older brother who goes to your same school.
Listen to James, try to understand what’s really going on in his life from a distance, and try not to continually compare him to his brother or a younger version of yourself if you can help it. If you notice some red flags, by all means follow up. But without more evidence, I think it’s safe to assume that he’s carving his own path—maybe he’s just doing it a bit more quietly.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/college-behavior-care-and-feeding-advice.html
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Besies I doubt Will wants to drag James to parties and announce, "THIS IS MY LITTLE BRO! SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE! LADIES/GENTS/VOLUNTEERS, MAKE HIM A MAN!"
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Of course, I do feel a little sorry for James if his parents don't learn to live their own lives and leave him the heck alone.
Snarking aside...
I’m also slightly worried, because it’s normal and healthy for kids his age to rebel.
I have one rule of life. One rule, and that's "the more you hear people repeat a thing without providing any sort of proper citation, the more likely it is to be false".
So, with that in mind, I want to sit LW down and ask "Where do you think this idea comes from? Who told you this, and where did they get that information from? Where's the evidence?"
People do not like it when I do this, but honestly, if more people would habitually do it themselves I'm sure they'd be much happier for it.
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*Fistbump of solidarity*
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Good god, I'm sick of parents like this.
My parents also worry that I was never badly behaved and never rebelled, and guys, 1) just because you never saw me do anything you didn't want me to do doesn't mean I didn't do it, and 2) I had and have absolutely zero interest in following in their footsteps in terms of youthful misdemeanours involving alcohol, drugs, fast cars, defenestrating someone*, making cut and shut cars, falling into rivers while racing a raft of my own creation, rewiring cars to drive backwards down the motorway in 3rd gear, towing a car up a mountain and seeing how high I can get it before I can't go any further, abandoning said car in a reservoir after taking off the plates and everything identifiable, racing the police, getting arrested, and being only fairly sure I never got anyone killed.
(I love my dad, I do. He has the best stories. But I am never going to be like my dad.)
.... Aahhh, that was a good rant.
*The guy was fine and he deserved it, he was abusing my mother at the time. Still not my style.no subject
The difference is that my parents didn't worry because I wasn't doing that sort of thing. My motherprobably thinks I was following her good example: she went to college at night while working full time and living with her parents, so she wouldn't have had much time or energy for partying even if she had been so inclined.
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For real, though? Parents complaining that their son or daughter didn't rebel?! 😱 WTF, but whoda thunk it? LOL!
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That Bad Advice
Re: That Bad Advice
But seriously, does LW not realize that it's potentially riskier to ask out your same-sex crush? Even today, even if the biggest risk really is just getting a "no", it's still more emotionally risky when you're more likely to get that no. (Unless this guy he likes is visibly out, of course!)
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SO much this. Everything LW seems to think would help would actively harm.
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If LW's kid is getting out of his room to play piano and keeping up with schoolwork and stuff there's no particular reason to think he's having any trouble though.
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(My daughter is AWESOME, and we have a million interests in common, but I am an “obligate extrovert,” she is the opposite, she’s happy with a few close friends and small gatherings, and what made me happy in terms of a social life would have made her miserable.)
I was a lot more rebellious as a teenager, but I also had shitty parents who raised me like veal — she had more freedom and wasn’t saddled with a malignant-narcissist parent, so her upbringing was very different.
But, yeah — LW, leave your kid alone, and stifle the unhealthy curiosity about his sex life!
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LW doesn't want the kid they have, they want a kid like themselves (and big brother Will). I hope because they don't have a 'conventional' kid, they don't make themselves obnoxious to James.
Maybe they have an ace introvert who is perfectly happy reading books and playing piano, and would not enjoy being dragged to loud, drunken parties.
Maybe they just have a kid who isn't telling them about his life. If they keep pressing James to go out and do things he's not interested, that's more and more likely.
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I do wonder if the young man's naturally quiet, serious personality is further magnified by the college gay party scene being rather off-putting. There are heterosexual equivalents of course, but if the scene is very focused on alcohol, drugs and loudly boasting about lots of almost obligatory casual sex, then reading and playing the piano might well be more appealing. Also it could well be that Will's mostly straight parties are not a safe environment for a gay younger brother.
Although the 'just happens to be gay' framing is very heartening, I feel there is a gendered element to thinking about safety. Easy to assume that a male teenager isn't at risk from sexual violence, but I somehow doubt that LW would be so enthusiastic about a daughter attending lots of parties and experimenting with alcohol and drugs.
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That is true. Although OP says that she had the wild party experience as a female student and is happy about it, I can imagine she would be less worried about a daughter with the same behaviour pattern as her son.
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Woe, woe, he is not going out painting the town and falling down drunk like he should! How have I failed as a mother?
Sometimes rebellion is playing the long game and sticking to school work and one's actual interests ('silence, cunning and exile')
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