agonyaunt | Entries tagged with asking eric

[I think this is the same situation as in

conuly's last post but with more details]

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been together for 11 years. He has one daughter, 43, with two young children I adore and have been close to until last summer when the volcano erupted.

Since the beginning of our relationship, I have made every effort to be loving and generous to his daughter. She acts entitled and ungrateful to me.

It’s my fault for not standing up for myself early in my joining the family. For example, I wish to be thanked for gifts, babysitting, making holidays happen, having them over for dinner and so on.

She doesn’t seem to care about me at all. Her father will not stand up to her and seems scared of her.

Last summer I blew up at her in a text and let her know how I feel about her behavior.

I called her a manipulative user and let her know my truth which is certainly not her truth. I apologized twice in two letters for being so harsh, but she will not forgive me, allow a repair or let me see the grandkids. Her father will not help. This is hurting our marriage.

I miss the little ones terribly and cried for months about this. Yes, I am in therapy and hoping my husband will go to couples counseling together. Funny, he is a psychotherapist. I would be most appreciative if you can offer us your help.

— Missing Family

Family: Ask yourself what you have the power to change and what you need to accept, even if you don’t like it.

For instance, you probably should accept that the relationship with your husband’s daughter is not serving either one of you right now. And it’s probably because her relationship with your husband is not healthy. It’s likely that some of the frustration you’re feeling stems from a desire to change something that’s outside of your control.

You write that your husband won’t help you. If you want him to compel his daughter to accept your apology, that might not actually be useful. Unfortunately, even though your relationship with the grandkids was, perhaps, healthy, the other relationships supporting it are less so.

So, what can you change? Well, you’re doing the most important first step by working on yourself in therapy. If your husband won’t go to couples counseling (which he should), ask him why and ask him how he proposes to help you both communicate better.

ysobel

Dear Eric: My wife has three living adult kids from three different fathers — ages 22, 29 and 32. The 32-year-old has a husband and two kids of her own. I allowed all of them to live with us since they couldn’t get along on their own.

Last year, my wife’s fourth adult child died so I inherited her 3-year-old.

We had nine people in our home. I am not their father but tried to give them an opportunity in life until I realized they didn’t want help getting on their feet, they wanted to be taken care of.

So, I filed eviction on all of them. This obviously created some hard feelings and things got very ugly. I’ve decided to cut all ties with my wife’s family due to this which obviously causes problems for her because I will not attend family functions, holidays, etc. Do you think I am wrong to do so?

— Stepfather

Stepfather: My first question is, where is your wife in all of this? I don’t know the financial setup of your marriage, of course, but the home you live in is also her home so one would think that she gets a say in who gets to live there and who gets evicted, particularly if they’re her own children. And maybe there was more joint discussion about the adult children not contributing enough to the household — nine is a lot of people — but it reads like some of these decisions were unilateral and that can cause a lot of conflict.

There are many people who don’t have smooth relationships with in-laws. Sometimes that’s unavoidable. But your wife is your family, and so her family is your family. Refusing to engage with them puts her in an impossible position. Who is she supposed to choose?

You don’t have to let them live with you, but more conversation will be helpful here. Getting into the habit of making joint decisions with your wife, even if it requires more compromise than you’d ideally like, will help your marriage. And finding a way past some of the animosity with her adult kids will help everyone.

ysobel

Dear Eric: I am 40 and physically disabled. I need a powered wheelchair to get around both outside and inside my apartment. Recently, my tires were popped by some broken glass from a bottle thrown out of a passing car onto the sidewalk. It has been a week since I have been able to use my wheelchair, and I have another 20 days before my new tires arrive.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be infuriated that someone’s litter caused me to spend $200 on replacement tires.

My caregiver disagrees. He says that it’s my fault for continuing and not turning around. He also said that I am overreacting, when the most I have done is complain a little bit for maybe an hour total and make a joking “whoever threw the bottle on the sidewalk owes me $200” comment once.

Am I being too sensitive about this? I think being upset about having to spend $200 that I don’t have to replace something necessary for my continued function in and outside of my apartment due to litter is understandable, but I would like to ask for your thoughts on the matter to be sure.

— Tire’d

Tire’d: Let me get this straight. Your caregiver, who understands the challenges you face navigating a world that is often not accommodating, thinks that you don’t have the right to be peeved about this? Litter, particularly broken glass, is a problem for everyone and any one of us could and should be upset about having to navigate a sidewalk strewn with jagged pieces, even if it didn’t cost us $200 or a temporary restriction in mobility.

What happened wasn’t fair and it had a greater impact on you than it would on someone who could just step to the side or crunch the glass under a boot. Your caregiver needs to acknowledge that some things in the world affect you differently. This is what empathy is. One doesn’t need firsthand experience to be empathetic, but in this case he has to be able to see how hard this one battle has made your life.

I hope that this is an isolated incident in your relationship and he’s able to be supportive in other ways. Because care is about more than physical assistance. It’s also about being willing to say, “I see you. I hear you. What you’re feeling is valid.”

fox

Dear Eric: I am very much enjoying the second time around following a long and less than joyful first marriage. My problem is plans for burial.

All of our children are terribly against our marriage even though both of our spouses were deceased at the time we met. Our children have virtually no relationship with us now and if there is any contact it is ugly.

I have a cemetery plot out of state with my deceased wife. My wife has a local plot with her deceased husband. I would like to get a new plot for the two of us but expect that any such request would receive pushback and be ignored.

My wife’s mother is buried with her second husband using her last name at the time of her death and her father is buried with a subsequent wife so there is precedent for what I want but I know her daughter would require that her mother be buried next to her father.

How do I get what I want?

I have not discussed any of this with my wife. If I did and she brought it up with her daughter the reaction would be for the daughter to express her displeasure by keeping the grandchildren from my wife. She has done that for less. If I am to get a plot, I should do that sooner rather than later as they are in short supply.

While living I would feel great joy if I could know that I could count on being buried beside my wife for all of eternity. Am I being silly to not just take the easy route?

— Burial Conflict

Plans: You have every right to make a burial plan that suits your life and your love. And — this might be controversial — you don’t have to tell your kids. If you have virtually no relationship as it is, you certainly don’t need to bend to their wishes. It seems there’s no pleasing them, anyway.

In general, it’s better to communicate about final wishes and plans for one’s end-of-life in advance. This helps intentions to be understood and gets questions answered while you’re still around to answer them. But the conflict that’s roiling your family complicates things.

Without knowing more about the circumstances of your marriage, I can’t say your kids are completely wrong, but the punishment you mentioned is more than concerning.

Perhaps they’re struggling with acceptance because of unprocessed grief, perhaps there’s something else going on that I’m not privy, too. Either way, the stated conditions dictate that the burial conversation should happen only between you and your wife right now. Once you’re both on the same page, you’ll know what the next step is. That might mean purchasing a joint plot that makes you happy and appointing someone other than one of your kids as executor. (That last part is probably wise regardless.)

There would still be a lot of complications, of course. Namely, one of you will predecease the other and at that point, presumably, the kids would find out the plan. So, while you are working on doing what brings you joy, I’d also encourage you to get down to the root of what’s going on with your kids.

ysobel

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law made quilts for two of her nieces. They unwrapped them to oohs, aahs and applause on Christmas Eve at my house. My daughter did not receive a gift. I sent a polite email to sister-in-law explaining that my daughter was disappointed. I received a snail mail reply that included a gift certificate and a note. Sister-in-law wrote that I was a bully and stated that she would never set foot in my house again. She hasn’t for several years. What should I do?

— Stitchy Situation

Situation: Your sister-in-law’s reaction was a bit extreme, all things considered (or at least all things detailed in your letter). This suggests to me that maybe there’s something else under it for her, whether it’s other issues she has with your relationship or a sensitivity around the particular gift. Or maybe her feelings were hurt by your email, even though it was polite.

The best way to sort it all out is by asking. It’s been years and she hasn’t come back, so I’m curious what your relationship is like outside of visits. Has this escalated to grudge territory? Does she speak to you at all? If she doesn’t, you may have to make a bigger gesture in order to reset things. Telling her, “I don’t like what happened between us” and “I’m sorry for my part” could help lay a foundation for reconciliation.

Try, if you can, not to let the conversation get too caught up in what happened years ago, though. The gift card, the email, et cetera. All the details can become places where you both get stuck relitigating and rehashing. Instead, focus on the objective of the conversation — you want to re-establish contact. It will also help to have a concrete goal, as well as an emotional one. Perhaps something like extending an invitation for her to come for lunch.

If she’s not receptive to a phone call or face-to-face conversation, an email or letter will work, but a spoken conversation is vastly more effective.

cimorene

Dear Eric: My best friend of more than 35 years is waffling over attending my son's wedding. Her excuses for not coming are an as-yet-unplanned hiking trip in Europe (it would be her fourth in less than two years), and work, which she can easily get out of. This is my only child that will ever get married, and the wedding is in her former hometown where she still has family and friends. It's one easy flight. This friend stays with us three to four times a year for several weeks when she has work in town. My husband and I were allowed to invite four couples. Even my siblings aren't invited!

I'm incredibly hurt that she's even considering not coming. To me this has already caused a shift in my feelings toward her. I haven't spoken to her about it yet but intend to. Are my feelings unreasonable?

– Mother of the Groom Gloom

( Read more... )

petrea_mitchell

Second letter here.

Dear Eric: My husband has a block, mentally, where he cannot buy flowers. I think he is willfully incompetent. It's not as if he were beaten with a bouquet or forced to eat them as a child. I tried bargaining with him to back off since I've bought my own and prefer to choose my own bouquets. But he wants/defends the job of buying them as well as the privilege of withholding them from me, which is so amazingly passive-aggressive.

He wants power. He is insane to try controlling the flowers.

I don't have time for him flopping around making mouth sounds about "wanting to" just not being smart enough to figure out the flowers in our small town. He seems bent on controlling the flowers in our home (he doesn't have allergies) while I hope in vain for him to decide to buy a poppy.

I suspect he wants an audience for the act of buying the flowers since he has literally bought me flowers less than 10 times in 30 years.

– Flower Disempowered

( Read more... )

petrea_mitchell

(Letter #2 here)

[Mods, could you please add an "asking eric" tag?]

Dear Eric, I married for a second time 21 years ago after an unpleasant divorce. My spouse “James” is a good guy. People really like him, but I am quietly having a hard time liking him at all these days.

Over the years, he developed a bad habit of stockpiling anything and everything all over the house and yard. I didn't say much at first, but the past few years his cluttering has gotten much worse. James refuses to discuss my feelings or look for a compromise. He gets visibly upset when I talk about the mess as if the stuff is more important to him than I am.

I am simmering with resentment just below the surface. Can this be resolved short of me admitting I made a bad choice a second time?

— Stalemate

( Read more... )

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Agony Aunt

Entries tagged with asking eric

(no subject)

zero to nuclear?

More for the letter than the answer

Asking Eric: Adult children object to parents’ burial plans

Gimme a quilt!

mother of the groom's best friend doesn't want to take off work and travel to wedding

Asking Eric: Flower power struggle

Asking Eric: My husband’s clutter makes me question marrying him

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January 2026

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