Some good advice and some ??? advice from Abby

[conuly]

1. DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my daughter went "no contact" with both sides of our family -- grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, as well as cousins. Since then, I have been struggling with how I should answer acquaintances who ask, "How is she doing?" as well as those who ask, "Do you have children?"

I have been told by friends and family that I should tell the acquaintances that I don't know why because she doesn't speak to the family. However, I have found this response leads to more uncomfortable questions. I am embarrassed to have to tell people "Yes, but she does not speak to us" -- and worse, try to answer "Why?" Lately, I have been telling people, "No, we don't have children" so I won't have to explain.

Can you advise me how I can answer these questions without explanations, embarrassment or lies? -- FORMER PARENT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FORMER PARENT: As a matter of fact, I can. Tell the questioner, "I have one daughter. We are estranged, and I don't wish to discuss it further." Period. It's the truth.

Link one

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2. DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.

I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).

I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like "Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you." Was I wrong? -- NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO THANKS: According to many religions, the highest form of charity is that which is ANONYMOUS. Your gift to your son came from the heart, but it shouldn't have been given expecting to be thanked by your grandchildren. Your son is safe, thanks to your generosity, and that in itself should be your reward.

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Comments

[conuly]

1. Excellent advice, no notes.

2. WTF, Abby. Yes, obviously it's subpar charity if you're only doing it for the thanks. But if LW2 had wanted to be told that they would've gone to their spiritual advisor and left you out of it. And their spiritual advisor would have at least backed them up on the central point that their son is being a lying little shit about it.

And yeah, maybe at this point LW2 is just going to have to accept that they'll never get thanked for this car. I mean, unless they want to senselessly bring this all up in front of the DIL and grandkids, but I don't see that working out well for them, but jeez, the phrasing here, making it sound like they're entirely in the wrong? That's just cold.

[ashbet]

I find it really surprising that Abby didn’t mention that *LW* asked his son not to talk about the gift:

“I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family.”

Is it possible that the son misunderstood? Maybe he thought “immediate family“ just meant his parents? Or he wasn’t comfortable telling one story to his wife and kids and another story to everyone else? Or he knew his wife and kids would talk about it, so he decided that the better part of discretion was to keep it to himself?

When you start telling people that you want them to keep something a secret, it seems a little odd to then complain that they did so.

I’m wondering if LW has discussed this with his son at all, or just stewed about it.

[conuly]

I’m wondering if LW has discussed this with his son at all, or just stewed about it.

Definitely the latter.

(And I didn't catch the weird mixed messaging. You're right - if you tell somebody not to tell others, you gotta expect they might not understand who's on the list.)

[minoanmiss]

I was wondering about that.

[melannen]

Yeah, that struck me as very weird. And very easy for the son to read as "I'd rather you kept this a secret from everybody, but I don't want to ask you to keep secrets from your wife and kid if you'd rather not", or even "Tell them if you must but I don't don't want them to make it weird by thanking me" rather than "keep it secret from everybody else, but I want them to shower me in plaudits".

Also... what does LW expect him to tell people? That he found the new car when it fell off the back of a truck?

[mrissa]

1. When I was a kid it got back to me that my dad's stepmother was telling people that my dad's father had no grandchildren of his own but was a grandfather to her grandchildren. He was indeed a grandfather to her grandchildren, but that was one of the final nails in the coffin of "maybe someday I will have a relationship with this man." Another was when she tried to get me left out of the list of great-grandchildren in my great-grandmother's obituary (the estrangement did not extend to anyone else in the family, just dad's father and stepmother, so I saw and wrote to Great-Grandma frequently; because of the ages of the people involved I was probably her emotionally closest great-grandchild).

So: you can try to pretend people don't exist when you find it socially inconvenient, but they still do exist. And that can ALSO be socially inconvenient.

How did we find this out? Because one of the times it happened, unbeknownst to them, my dad's father and stepmother were seated next to not only some nice people asking about his grandchildren but also some friends of the other side of my family. Who immediately said, "oh no, John, I'm so sorry, what happened to Marissa?" and made the whole thing TEN MILLION times more awkward than it had to be.

[minoanmiss]

Wow, did your stepmother want to be a fairy tale villainness or something? Sheesh, that sounds absolutely horrible.

[green_grrl]

Love that “hoist on their own petard” consequence, though. Awkward returned to sender by their own actions.

[pauraque]

I don't think LW2 thought this through or realized what an awkward position he was putting Son in. If Son has a new car suddenly, everyone in his life is going to notice and comment. If Son tells only his wife and kids where the car came from and tells them not to tell anyone else, he's asking the wife and kids to lie to people and keep the secret... forever, I guess? Even from close family friends? I can understand why Son might not have wanted to put that burden on them and felt it was simpler and less likely to lead to weird drama down the line if he just kept it to himself.

I think this should fall under the general rule that when you give someone a gift, you don't get to control what happens after that. If you're uncomfortable with everyone knowing you bought someone a car, don't buy them a car. If you're uncomfortable with not getting thank-yous from specific people for buying someone a car, don't buy the car then either. Giving a gift doesn't give you the authority to write a script for exactly what everyone will do and say in response to it in perpetuity.

[minoanmiss]

#1 So you've decided to tell people your daughter doesn't exist because she's not talking to you? I shouldn't be superstitious but I rather feel there's a wish inside statements like that.

[torachan]

Aside from whether LW2 should be thanked or was wrong for trying to keep it a secret, I just find it really weird that LW's son told his wife that he bought the car on his own. Does she not wonder where he suddenly got the money for a whole new car? Like, maybe they have separate bank accounts, but I would still expect some shared knowledge of the state of each other's finances, especially since they have kids. If I were the wife in this situation I would be really weirded out and worried that he suddenly had a ton of money I wasn't aware of.

[green_grrl]

MTE