Dear Prudence: My Dad is an Asshole

[cereta]

Link.

Dear Prudence,

How can I coexist with my dad more peacefully? For context, I’m a teenager living in my parents’ home while attending university. Generally, I love my life and feel very grateful for all the opportunities they’ve given me, but my relationship with my father erodes the longer we are together. He is completely opposed to me on all political and social issues and constantly makes racist/homophobic jokes in my presence. He lacks empathy for others and criticizes everyone he can’t personally relate to—fat people, trans people, you name it. Honestly, I consider it a good day when we exchange less than 50 words.

It came to a head today when he asked if I was attending a dinner with their old friends. I said no, and he got annoyed. He said I was rude for not wanting to “see people who want to see me” and that “kids these days only care about their friends.” (I only have a couple of close friends, and they both live really far away, but they know me better than most of my family, so I try to make time to call them a lot.) I replied that I would go if he really wanted me to, which only made him angrier. He said that he was allowed to have an opinion and that I shouldn’t go just to appease him, but it was clear that he was trying to guilt-trip me, as he has done in similar situations for pretty much my whole life. I love my dad, but I really don’t like him. Help, please!

—War of the Worlds

Dear War of the Worlds,

Even the healthiest parent-child relationships will feel totally infuriating during one’s teen years, and being a university student while living with your parents is bound to bring up a next-level clash of values, not to mention their feelings about your growing independence. Your dad is grappling with the fact that you’re now capable of not only choosing how to spend your time, but also what beliefs to hold, which sound hugely different from his. I think he feels challenged and intimidated by the fact that you’re now a young adult, and he’s trying to regain a sense of control by judging your behavior and waiting for you to magically read his mind RE: choosing to attend the dinner with his friends.

It’s hard for a parent to accept that their child no longer really wants to spend time with them voluntarily. I wonder if it will help to disarm his need to affirm his role as Dad Knows Best by reassuring him a little. Is it possible to identify one activity (maybe a Friday morning coffee run?) or tradition (cooking your favorite meal together) that doesn’t require much conversation, but still allows you to show your dad that you’re interested in connecting? Frame your request in a way that makes it sound like he’s doing something for you. “I’d really love to pick up groceries tomorrow to make that dish you taught me, will you please come with me so I won’t forget anything?” If he steers into political/social commentary territory, gently set a boundary: “Dad, you know we could fight about this forever, let’s just get these vegetables chopped, OK?” I think if you can reassure your dad about his role in your life, it’ll make him much more relaxed and less defensive, and you guys may even find a topic or two that’s safe for everyone to discuss. It won’t feel fun for you at first, but think of it as your inaugural step toward becoming an adult who takes care of family, and not just the kid who’s always being taken care of.

—Delia

Comments

[cereta]

I...do not like Delia. There, I said it. Seriously, she's as bad as the classic Annies at the whole, "But family!" thing. Every once in a while, I think some people are too quick to advise estrangement, and then I read this...

LW, I'm going to assume that moving out is, for whatever reason, not an option. Make it a goal. A really, really important goal. Your Dad is not saying cruel things about BIPOC and trans people because you're growing up. He's saying them because it's who he is. Avoid him as much as you can, and make getting out a priority.

[cimorene]

All of this. Yuck. Where was the indication that the kid wanted advice on how to bond with a bigot he says he prefers not to talk to?

[ysobel]

Orrrrrr LW could *not* work super hard to spend time with a bigot who spews hate, because the dad is making choices that have consequences, and instead grey-rock his dad until he can get out of there.

WTF is this advice anyway *points at icon*

[redbird]

I could even see giving similar advice from the viewpoint of "you're stuck living with him for now, here are a couple of things that might make it less stressful for you." Not because it's somehow part of growing up, but because their father yelling at a televised ballgame that the referees are idiots isn't as bad as LW's father attacking them on a personal level. That would still be giving the father more consideration than he deserves, but it wouldn't frame it as the teenager having to be the grownup in the relationship because their father won't.

[ashbet]

LW’s father is *actively choosing* to be vocally shitty and bigoted, and a natural consequence of that is that LW does not want to spend time in his company.

Perhaps Dad could try… not doing those things?

[castiron]

If it were simply a matter of "Dad wants adult kid to come see friends of the family and adult kid says no" without the "also Dad perpetually spews bigotry" the advice might be okay. As it is, though, nope.

[conuly]

Ugh, wtf is that advice.

[otter]

Dear Young Person, I wish you the best in finding a safer place to live with kind people, rather than with the bigoted, verbally/emotionally abusive asshole who happens to be your father.

[frenzy]

Delia has got to be the worst Prudie ever.

[dissectionist]

Lol, like a dad who knows his kid is anti-bigot and still constantly spews bigotry is going to listen to a boundary like “hey, let’s not argue.” This advice both sucks and blows.

[topaz_eyes]

It’s hard for a parent to accept that their child no longer really wants to spend time with them voluntarily.

Dad's actively pushing LW away from him with his bigoted remarks, Prudie. Big difference. If Dad is mourning the thought that LW is "growing away" from him now that LW's in university, he's doing the absolute worst thing by doubling down on such garbage.

I wonder if it would help LW any to talk to his mom/step-mom about Dad's escalating bigoted remarks towards LW, or does she share similar beliefs to Dad. (Or would it only escalate things further.) LW may need to spend increasing amounts of time away from the house, studying and/or with friends, until they can move out on their own.

[bikergeek]

The mom or step-mom is likely very aware of the dad's proclivities. At best she's afraid of him or financially dependent on him or both, and not in a position to be able to say anything. At worst she agrees with him and has simply learned better social skills, i.e. that it's impolite to say certain words in public.

DAMHIK,IJK,OK?

[bikergeek]

Milk him for every dime of support you can while you're in college, then GTFO, go NC, and never look back.

While you have to live under his roof, minimize contact time with him. Plead that you have "too much schoolwork." Stay in your room and do homework or read or play video games.

Discussion or debate with him will not educate him out of his racism and homophobia. It will only raise your blood pressure. Worst-case, he may withdraw funding for college because "All he's learning in that thar fancy school is how to be a pointy-headed lib'rul." If you feel the need to do something good to offset your father's racism, donate to a social-justice org, or join one on your college campus and volunteer and go to protests and so on. However do not tell your dad where you're going or what you're doing because he'll only use it against you later. Tell him you're going to the campus library or something.

[liv]

Arrgh, one of my pet hates is telling teenagers who are dealing with homophobic rejection by their parents that 'all teenagers have conflict with their parents'. For one thing that's not true; it's perfectly possible for teenagers to have a mutually respectful relationship with their parents if both sides put the effort in. But more importantly, homophobia is not in fact a 'clash' in response to the emotional difficulties of the normal separation process. It is possible this LW is straight and simply offended by his Dad's racism and homophobia rather than directly affected by it, but I wouldn't bet on it. Anyway. This answer is wrong and Delia should feel bad.

[lethe1]

(Where does it say that LW is male?)

Delia, where does LW say that Dad likes to cook and has taught their offspring how to? If he is such a conservative, bigoted person, he may well leave all the cooking to his wife.

Even if cooking is just an example of how father and offspring could spend time together in peace, it is a bad example.

[oursin]

Father is clearly not amenable to reason: re the dinner with family friends:

I replied that I would go if he really wanted me to, which only made him angrier. He said that he was allowed to have an opinion and that I shouldn’t go just to appease him, but it was clear that he was trying to guilt-trip me, as he has done in similar situations for pretty much my whole life.

This goes beyond noxious opinions, or rather, noxious opinions are just one aspect of a problematic character, if that interaction is typical of his 'son can't win' style.

[azurelunatic]

Dear LW, all the advice about finding ways to connect with your dad would work so much better if your time in his company was truly voluntary. As in, maybe put Delia's advice on hold until you've made a life for yourself where Dad isn't. So that your possible future bids for connection can come from a place where you're mentally and emotionally safe, and not operating under the terroristic promise that you're only welcome in his home and to his support while you're performing the requisite amount of filial piety. Even if your dad weren't a prizewinning bigot, it's normal for kids and their parents to disconnect from each other somewhat during teenage and college years. You can lean into that cliche a little to make home life somewhat more bearable until you can reasonably escape.