minoanmiss (
minoanmiss) wrote in
agonyaunt2024-08-31 04:06 pm
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Care & Feeding:Dad's requested funeral rite
My Dad Wants Us to Keep His Skull on My Mantel to “Watch Over the Family” When He Dies
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 43-year-old guy. My father is in his 70s, and he had a health scare recently. He’s doing all right now, but he wanted to update his will and make some funerary plans. Dealing with the inheritance stuff was unpleasant but I suppose normal in a way. But when it came to what he wanted done with his body after he passes, I’m not sure what to do.
He doesn’t want to be buried. Or cremated. Or have his body donated for scientific or medical purposes. No, what he wants is to be decapitated, his skull cleaned out, and have the rest of his remains processed into two memorial diamonds. He wants those diamonds stuck into his empty eye sockets and to be put on the mantlepiece of MY home, so he can “watch his grandkids and any other descendants that might live there.” He’s done all the homework on this too, found companies for the various sorts of processing, and double-checked with an attorney to make sure that this is legal where we live. (It unfortunately is.)
I don’t know what to do. I do want to honor his wishes. But this is so morbid and weird. I don’t think it would be a good thing for my family to look up in the living room and go “Yep, there’s my old man, watching us from beyond the grave.” I’m honestly considering just telling him I’ll do it and then when he’s gone simply having him cremated. He’ll never know the difference, right? But that also feels wrong, and I think I do owe him enough to honestly say I can’t honor that wish. What can I do here?
—What the Actual Hell
Dear Actual,
Sometimes we receive a letter that is so out there that we think, “This must be fake.” Really, a diamond-dappled skull? Then we Google it and find that this question is indeed being asked by someone in the world (I found a Reddit thread about it, among others). So maybe the curiosities that underlie the letter are real—even if the circumstances aren’t. Whether I’m being played or not, I have a little time for osteology today. Why not?
Despite your father’s alleged homework, this article would suggest that he’s mistaken. Most funeral homes don’t have the equipment nor the paperwork and legal chutzpa to make this a reality. (Did you know that some museums use flesh-eating beetles to help clean their skeletons? Can’t imagine that’s a service funeral homes are including in their brochures.) Also, a state’s laws about human remains, though they are often vague, aren’t vague enough to allow this kind of “anything goes!” final directive. If you still don’t believe me, you can check out Caitlin Doughty’s (
askamortician) popular YouTube channel and her episode on whether you can keep your parent’s skull. Spoiler alert: You can’t.
It’s up to you whether you crush Dad’s hopes and dreams. If he’s adamant that this is his path forward, my advice is to simply say, “OK, Dad” and then do what you want when the time comes. Turning his cremated remains into a gemstone and putting that on some other non-osteo mount might be your best way to keep to the spirit (ha ha) of his wishes.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 43-year-old guy. My father is in his 70s, and he had a health scare recently. He’s doing all right now, but he wanted to update his will and make some funerary plans. Dealing with the inheritance stuff was unpleasant but I suppose normal in a way. But when it came to what he wanted done with his body after he passes, I’m not sure what to do.
He doesn’t want to be buried. Or cremated. Or have his body donated for scientific or medical purposes. No, what he wants is to be decapitated, his skull cleaned out, and have the rest of his remains processed into two memorial diamonds. He wants those diamonds stuck into his empty eye sockets and to be put on the mantlepiece of MY home, so he can “watch his grandkids and any other descendants that might live there.” He’s done all the homework on this too, found companies for the various sorts of processing, and double-checked with an attorney to make sure that this is legal where we live. (It unfortunately is.)
I don’t know what to do. I do want to honor his wishes. But this is so morbid and weird. I don’t think it would be a good thing for my family to look up in the living room and go “Yep, there’s my old man, watching us from beyond the grave.” I’m honestly considering just telling him I’ll do it and then when he’s gone simply having him cremated. He’ll never know the difference, right? But that also feels wrong, and I think I do owe him enough to honestly say I can’t honor that wish. What can I do here?
—What the Actual Hell
Dear Actual,
Sometimes we receive a letter that is so out there that we think, “This must be fake.” Really, a diamond-dappled skull? Then we Google it and find that this question is indeed being asked by someone in the world (I found a Reddit thread about it, among others). So maybe the curiosities that underlie the letter are real—even if the circumstances aren’t. Whether I’m being played or not, I have a little time for osteology today. Why not?
Despite your father’s alleged homework, this article would suggest that he’s mistaken. Most funeral homes don’t have the equipment nor the paperwork and legal chutzpa to make this a reality. (Did you know that some museums use flesh-eating beetles to help clean their skeletons? Can’t imagine that’s a service funeral homes are including in their brochures.) Also, a state’s laws about human remains, though they are often vague, aren’t vague enough to allow this kind of “anything goes!” final directive. If you still don’t believe me, you can check out Caitlin Doughty’s (
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It’s up to you whether you crush Dad’s hopes and dreams. If he’s adamant that this is his path forward, my advice is to simply say, “OK, Dad” and then do what you want when the time comes. Turning his cremated remains into a gemstone and putting that on some other non-osteo mount might be your best way to keep to the spirit (ha ha) of his wishes.