WTF did I just read?

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous

Anonymous: They’re eugenics-curious, but lovely people otherwise! Okey-doke.

Just say the thing out loud to them: “I watched you alienate [brother’s] awesome wife only because she’s tall and he’s short.

“So here’s your chance not to blow it again: Please don’t choose blond hair over a relationship with your future son-in-law and possible olive-skinned grandkids.

“Any questions?”

If they put up even a squeak of resistance:

“I can’t save you from yourselves. But I had to try.”

On the surface, this will look like a simplistic answer: Just tell them the truth!!

But here’s the thing. There’s only one way your parents could have been “very opinionated” and “so vocal” and “distraught,” and done all that insisting — enough for you to “just know” they’ll “carry on” about you. They did that by having you as their steady audience for their toxic superficiality.

I wish you both had cut them off on this topic years ago, sending them a clear message: “Your opinions about our dates’ bodies are unacceptable.” [Both walk away.]

But better late than never. First you say what you mean, unequivocally, as I already advised. Then you prove you mean it by leaving — cold — whenever they start “insisting.” Let them “insist” into an echoing void.

Or, to co-opt a new classic: Let them jerk you around, and find out.

Link

Comments

[conuly]

My thoughts as I was reading this letter: "LW, are your parents Nazis?"

I'm glad to see that Carolyn Hax was on the same page as me!

And yes, people who harass their children and their new in-laws over petty shit like this are bad parents. I hope LW can understand that one day.

[cimorene]

And people who put that much critical thought into appearances and eugenics are also bad people!

[topaz_eyes]

"LW, are your parents Nazis?"

LW's parents would be the first to deny it.

[full_metal_ox]

Or would they, in confidential company? A lot of bigots have reached the point where they no longer feel the need for hypocrisy, and Project 2025 is set to install a grand unified Garbage Pizza of Gilead, Oceania, and A24’s Civil War.

[laurajv]

it's _possible_ these people are just weirdly obsessed with looks, like how my one sister-in-law takes my niece's glasses off for photos. but as someone whose father has made weird ethic and racial slur comments about the spouses of three of his children, I somehow doubt it.

[jadelennox]

Carolyn Hax is a treasure.

[raine]

On this one, yes, definitely!

[green_grrl]

Just say the thing out loud to them: “I watched you alienate [brother’s] awesome wife only because she’s tall and he’s short.

“So here’s your chance not to blow it again: Please don’t choose blond hair over a relationship with your future son-in-law and possible olive-skinned grandkids.

“Any questions?”

Yup. Name it and shame it. Line in the sand.

[ethelmay]

This letter made me oddly happy, because the kids never totally internalized the BS.

[full_metal_ox]

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children.

Just look at Cersei and Jaime Lannister. Can’t get purer-bred than that!

[mildred_of_midgard]

Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people.

"Other than their eugenicist quirk" is a bit like "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

[bikergeek]

Great FSM, why don't LW's parents just come out and use the term "Aryan", because that's exactly what they mean?

[full_metal_ox]

“Aryan” is what they might say; “Nordic” is probably what they mean.

(J.R.R. Tolkien had a whole catacomb to pick on that subject with certain of his Misaimed Fandom:

https://lithub.com/on-the-time-j-r-r-tolkien-refused-to-work-with-nazi-leaning-publishers/)

[bikergeek]

I'm familiar with JRRT's famous letter. Good for him.

And yes, I was alluding to the Nazi meaning of that word, as "someone with blue eyes and blond hair, of Nordic appearance". Because damn, if LW's parents aren't actual Nazis they're at best about one level removed from it.

[full_metal_ox]

So suppose the grandchildren should have the effrontery to exhibit a genetic disability? Or just plain aren’t sufficiently pretty according to Breed Standard?(1)

(1) Which, incidentally, has a way of shifting—-which is where you get banana-backed German shepherds with hip dysplasia, because it’s not as if our purebred dog with a longer name than some royals has to do anything as vulgar as work.

[bikergeek]

Which is why this kind of thing is ridiculous in addition to being morally and ethically repugnant.

[full_metal_ox]

And remember those lean, broad-shouldered, athletic physiques that women were supposed to exercise relentlessly to have in the 80’s? That characterized the sex symbols of the day? Apparently that now qualifies as “butch-bodied.”

[minoanmiss]

Well said, Carolyn.

[castiron]

The kinds of people I want my children to date are people who work to be good people. They love and appreciate my child for who they are and bring out the best in my child, and my child loves and appreciates them and brings out the best in them. They and my child make a good team to get through life.

I do not give a flying leap what they look like.