Care & Feeding:Dad's requested funeral rite

[minoanmiss]

My Dad Wants Us to Keep His Skull on My Mantel to “Watch Over the Family” When He Dies



Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a 43-year-old guy. My father is in his 70s, and he had a health scare recently. He’s doing all right now, but he wanted to update his will and make some funerary plans. Dealing with the inheritance stuff was unpleasant but I suppose normal in a way. But when it came to what he wanted done with his body after he passes, I’m not sure what to do.

He doesn’t want to be buried. Or cremated. Or have his body donated for scientific or medical purposes. No, what he wants is to be decapitated, his skull cleaned out, and have the rest of his remains processed into two memorial diamonds. He wants those diamonds stuck into his empty eye sockets and to be put on the mantlepiece of MY home, so he can “watch his grandkids and any other descendants that might live there.” He’s done all the homework on this too, found companies for the various sorts of processing, and double-checked with an attorney to make sure that this is legal where we live. (It unfortunately is.)

I don’t know what to do. I do want to honor his wishes. But this is so morbid and weird. I don’t think it would be a good thing for my family to look up in the living room and go “Yep, there’s my old man, watching us from beyond the grave.” I’m honestly considering just telling him I’ll do it and then when he’s gone simply having him cremated. He’ll never know the difference, right? But that also feels wrong, and I think I do owe him enough to honestly say I can’t honor that wish. What can I do here?

—What the Actual Hell

Dear Actual,

Sometimes we receive a letter that is so out there that we think, “This must be fake.” Really, a diamond-dappled skull? Then we Google it and find that this question is indeed being asked by someone in the world (I found a Reddit thread about it, among others). So maybe the curiosities that underlie the letter are real—even if the circumstances aren’t. Whether I’m being played or not, I have a little time for osteology today. Why not?

Despite your father’s alleged homework, this article would suggest that he’s mistaken. Most funeral homes don’t have the equipment nor the paperwork and legal chutzpa to make this a reality. (Did you know that some museums use flesh-eating beetles to help clean their skeletons? Can’t imagine that’s a service funeral homes are including in their brochures.) Also, a state’s laws about human remains, though they are often vague, aren’t vague enough to allow this kind of “anything goes!” final directive. If you still don’t believe me, you can check out Caitlin Doughty’s (askamortician) popular YouTube channel and her episode on whether you can keep your parent’s skull. Spoiler alert: You can’t.

It’s up to you whether you crush Dad’s hopes and dreams. If he’s adamant that this is his path forward, my advice is to simply say, “OK, Dad” and then do what you want when the time comes. Turning his cremated remains into a gemstone and putting that on some other non-osteo mount might be your best way to keep to the spirit (ha ha) of his wishes.

Comments

[conuly]

Like the columnist, I am on Team Lying To Dad. I mean, really, what's the harm?

[torachan]

For real. Like, dad will be dead. He will never know that you didn't actually do the thing. So just tell him you will and then don't.

[movingfinger]

This is completely and utterly an "Of course, okay, Dad" situation in which you do whatever is best for the family after Dad is gone. That probably isn't going to include giving Dad an afterlife as a primitive icon.

[full_metal_ox]

The video for “Blackstar” involves a monkey-girl finding Major Tom’s skull, now jewel-encrusted, and carrying it to a secret citadel to serve as a relic for cult-worship.

(If this is where LW’s father got the idea, note that Bowie himself preferred to go 404: having his ashes scattered in the waters off his final home in Bali and leaving no physical memorial site.)

[sushiflop]

I know this is a lot, but I have to admit I like the old guy's style.

[petra]

I like this guy's style, even if it does make me think they'd blindfold the skull, were they allowed to have it.

It is a joy to have the perfect icon for a discussion, given that one of these characters convinces the other two to retain his skull for use in performances of Hamlet.

[minoanmiss]

BWEEEE

[dissectionist]

The irony is that if Dad were to donate his body to science, his parts might well end up getting sold to collectors legally. I’ve made arrangements for my own body to go to a medical school, and the reality is that the field is largely unregulated (you can’t sell internal organs, but anything else is up for grabs) and there’s no guarantees my parts won’t be legally sold after they’re done being used at the school. My body will be cremated and returned, but that doesn’t automatically mean my *entire* body.

There’s also a sizable number of people who have had their body parts illegally sold, stolen from funeral homes or by biohazardous waste technicians who run side businesses based on removing body parts that were due for incineration and selling them on the black market instead.

So if LW decides they do want to get Dad’s skull, have him donate his body to a body broker that will sell to anyone, then have a friend buy it for research (it’s sociological research! on how uncomfortable people get if you publicly display your dead dad’s skull!) and pass it along.

[tielan]

Do I want to know what people do with the body parts?

[dissectionist]

For most folks it’s an unusual form of exotic collecting. I know there’s also a market for use in santeria or other disciplines. Beyond that, I haven’t heard. They have to be either preserved or bones, and the preserving chemicals are toxic as all get-out, so I don’t expect there’s any culinary things happening

[melannen]

I read a longread at one point about how there's still a big trade in gray-market parts for surgical training. Large medical schools are usually okay for like, getting every student a cadaver in anatomy lab from enthusiastic donors, but it's tougher if you're, say, running a seminar on a new surgical technique and need 150 left wrists at short notice (and there's also less regulation of 150 left wrists than of one entire body.)

ETA: I think it was this one: https://www.reuters.com/investigates/special-report/usa-bodies-brokers/ Warning for lots of grisly gore and also frequently enraging.

[katiedid717]

You can get a D20 made out of human bone online

[oursin]

My question is, is the inheritance contingent upon this? Simply because I remember a short story in which somebody was in for a bequest of molto-moolah but had to have the bequestor's hideous funerary urn in their house. They found a workaround - careful interpretation of exact wordage - but it Does Not Work Out Well.

But unless the family fortune depends on this, make soothing noises until his clogs are popped.

[movingfinger]

Yes, that would be the hitch, which is LW why assuring Dad respectfully and convincingly that LW will do this is essential. And LW probably can't afford to drop the mask until after probate clears.

[sporky_rat]

Holy crap, no, this is desecration of a corpse and can get your license revoked hard.

Getting him turned into diamonds and putting that in a fake skull, however...

(Am funeral director student)

[minoanmiss]

I admit that's kind of tempting, getting turned into diamonds and put in a fake skull. I was going to research getting a tree planted on me (after finding out Science doesn't want fat bodies) but you may have given me a new idea.

[conuly]

Composting may be an option, depending on the laws when/where you die.

[harpers_child]

LW's dad has severely overestimated the size of the diamonds made with cremains. Usual sizes are between .25 and 3 carats. (An aunt had a long running joke with the uncle she was named for about turning him into a pendant to keep him close to her heart.)

[azurelunatic]

There are glassworkers who incorporate ashes into various objects, and I bet one of those could make something entertainingly sparkly and sufficiently sized ...

[harpers_child]

Oh absolutely. One of my siblings wants to become a set of marbles with the idea that survivors will leave one in nice places on trips. Same sibling is working on visiting every National Park in the US and seeing many State Parks on the way.