Ask Damon: Should I talk to my daughter about her weight gain?

[cereta]

Dear Damon: My 23-year-old daughter, “Kim,” started gaining weight and losing her hair a year ago. She attributes the hair loss to a stressful final two years of college, followed by having to move suddenly and find a new job. She suspects the weight gain is a side-effect of her birth control. Although I have not mentioned it to her, I am concerned the changes are due to diet and lack of exercise.

As an introvert, Kim is uncomfortable going places alone and most of her friends live an hour away. She used to go to the gym with her previous roommate, who was an excellent cook and frequently made healthy meals for them both. Since her current roomie is rarely home, Kim’s routine has settled into long workdays, followed by evenings online. Because she is too tired to cook, she relies on high-carb prepared foods with little nutritional value. I realize she’s an adult and advice from mom about body appearance might seem shallow and judgy. She expressed a desire to see a therapist last year, but due to her tendency to procrastinate and the challenge of finding a provider, she has not pursued it. I am very concerned about the long-term impact on her health and would like her to see a doctor. Should I say something or stay out of it?

— Concerned Mom


Concerned Mom: You love your daughter, right?

Of course you do! That question was (hopefully) rhetorical. I think it’s important, though, to sometimes still ask ourselves that when thinking about our loved ones. Because loving someone doesn’t always equate to loving behavior, and the question can serve as an anchor — which is what you need right now.

Your daughter experienced a period of unusual stress, and her body reacted to it in a usual way. But instead of her mental health and emotional well-being being your primary concerns about her, you seem to be mostly worried about aesthetics. So concerned with how she looks that you dismissed her and jumped straight to diet and exercise. The implicit message is clear: “Your laziness is making you ugly.” Maybe that’s not what you’re saying. But I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what she’s hearing.

Of course, you should be concerned if your daughter is developing what you believe to be unhealthy habits, but I want you to be honest. Would you be as concerned with her “habits” and her “health” and even her introversion if she hadn’t started to gain weight? Are you worried about her actual health, or just how effectively she models the veneer of healthiness? (Which, for many young women, usually just means “Is she thin?”)

I do think you should say something, and it should be something like “You have plans for next weekend? Asking because I know you’re into Monster Truck Rallies, and there’s one at the convention center. Thought it would be cool to go. I’ll get tickets.”

Monster Truck rallies might not be her jam. It could be thrift shopping or cow tipping or whatever. My point is that your child has expressed that she’s experiencing stress so severe that it’s impacting her body. This isn’t the time for “shallow and judgy” comments about her appearance, because it’s never the time for that. Instead, help her alleviate some stress and experience some joy. Maybe this is a transitional period for you as a parent, where you become more of an ear than a voice in her life. And yes, I think seeing a doctor would be extremely helpful for her. But there’s a vast difference between urging her to do it because she can’t fit her old jeans, and suggesting it while she’s confiding in you about her stress.

Comments

[cereta]

1. Many in the commentariat mentioned thyroid issues, and saying something like, "I've heard that's a common symptom of thyroid problems. Have you talked with your doctor about it?" if and when daughter brings it up (which she clearly is already, so LW isn't asking if she should "talk to" her daughter about her weight; she's asking if she should say specific things).

2. On that note, holy wow. I was already wincing in anticipation of the usual bullshit (can you imagine Abby or Amy on this even now, much less ten years ago?), and Damon just unloaded.

[jadelennox]

I was so proud of Damon! Aside from the appropriate and needed flaming, the advice is actively great.

I do think you should say something, and it should be something like “You have plans for next weekend? Asking because I know you’re into Monster Truck Rallies, and there’s one at the convention center. Thought it would be cool to go. I’ll get tickets.”

That's excellent advice.

[ashbet]

Seriously, gold star for Damon!!

I’d be OK with the LW saying, ONE SINGLE TIME, that the hair loss might be related to a thyroid issue, and worth ruling out with a full thyroid panel… and then DROPPING THE SUBJECT.

(I have Hashimoto’s, and weight gain/hair loss/constantly freezing cold and sweating were my primary onset symptoms.)

But, yes. Be there for your daughter, support her, if she’s interested in a therapist, offer to make some calls and take that task on yourself… and STFU about her weight and “habits.”

And offering to take her to the Monster Truck Rally/activity she enjoys is one way to be present and supportive of her.

[laurajv]

i also have hashimoto's, and same initial symptoms. ugh. so tiresome.

[ashbet]

Much sympathy :/

[conuly]

Question: Did LW seriously suggest that Daughter's hair loss are due to lack of exercise!?

[lethe1]

I think LW thinks the hair loss is due to diet, and the weight gain due to lack of exercise (and also diet).

[minoanmiss]

Holy shit I want to mail this back in time to myself 30 years ago (there would have been no point trying to get my mother to read it). Who is this Damon and can I hug him?

[castiron]

This is such a good answer.

Especially the comments about health. If LW's daughter's stress-response habits had resulted in unhealthy weight loss, would LW be concerned?

[cereta]

You know, I am not exactly complaining about my recent weight loss - as side effects of all this health crap, there are worse - but the irony that I get so many compliments of something that happened in part because my body is fucked up does not escape me.

[minoanmiss]

Oh God I hate that. When my uterus and I were most at war I lost about 30 pounds and several people complimented me on it. I wanted to say "my diet plan is X" and describe my symptoms in graphic detail.

[ethelmay]

Yeah, the last time in my life I was downright thin, it was due to not being able to eat or sleep properly for reasons that were Very Much Not Good, and I loathed getting compliments on it. I still kind of twitch when people say "You look great!" with that certain note of surprise, even though now it's because of harmless things like looking better in certain colors.

[purlewe]

I kinda did this when my father died and I broke up from a 7 yr relationship within a couple months. People would be all "WOW you look great!" and I would be deadpan "Thanks, my father died" Stopped them in their tracks.

[mommy]

I really like this answer.

Hair loss post-covid infection is fairly common and Delta/Omicron were in most schools last year, so that's the first thing I think of when it comes to students experiencing hair loss. Diet is way down the list for me.