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Dear Pay Dirt,
Everyone in my family is an academic achiever except me. Despite tests showing high intelligence, my grades were terrible. Decades later, I learned I had an undiagnosed, learning disability. I never told my family. When I was 7, I misunderstood a gift and spent $20 on a bunch of candy instead of returning the change. Because of that, my family thinks I’m bad with money.
My parents also bailed me out of credit card debt in college, but I haven’t taken their money since. My family never lets me pick up a check because they believe I’m poor. I don’t discuss my finances because they don’t believe me. My husband and I have a combined income in the mid-six figures with over seven figures in savings. (I outearn one of my siblings!) My family tried to stop us from buying a house and sending our kids to private school.
During estate planning, my parents allocated me more money than my siblings because they think I’ll need it. One sibling wants me to get it because they don’t want to be financially responsible for me and the other is complaining that my parents are punishing them for being responsible. It’s not my fault my family never updated their views, and if they think I need “special help,” then it’s ethical to accept it, right? I’m not lying to or deceiving anyone.
—You Can’t Handle the Truth
Dear You Can’t Handle the Truth,
You should probably have a conversation with your family members and (once again) outline what your financial situation is. Plenty of people with learning disabilities are successful in life, and they should be aware of that. Tell them it’s a little insulting that they assume you’re irresponsible when you’re not, but you’re having this conversation again because it’s the last time you’re going to talk about it. This is not something you should have to work so hard to persuade them of, and if they refuse to be persuaded, then all you can do is accept the consequences of their decision-making. That said, I would emphasize that you are also having this conversation one final time because you think the estate allocations should be equal and don’t want an extra allocation you don’t need. Then your resentful sibling can take it up with your parents if they’re still unhappy.
If your parents still refuse to budge, then accept the money, and more importantly, accept the fact that your family’s mistaken beliefs about you are their loss, not yours. You know who you are and what you’ve accomplished, and you would not be the first person whose family needs to believe that they’re someone they’re not. That’s more about what they need to believe about themselves—that they’re being generous or that they’re more responsible than you—not anything you did wrong.
—Elizabeth
Link
Everyone in my family is an academic achiever except me. Despite tests showing high intelligence, my grades were terrible. Decades later, I learned I had an undiagnosed, learning disability. I never told my family. When I was 7, I misunderstood a gift and spent $20 on a bunch of candy instead of returning the change. Because of that, my family thinks I’m bad with money.
My parents also bailed me out of credit card debt in college, but I haven’t taken their money since. My family never lets me pick up a check because they believe I’m poor. I don’t discuss my finances because they don’t believe me. My husband and I have a combined income in the mid-six figures with over seven figures in savings. (I outearn one of my siblings!) My family tried to stop us from buying a house and sending our kids to private school.
During estate planning, my parents allocated me more money than my siblings because they think I’ll need it. One sibling wants me to get it because they don’t want to be financially responsible for me and the other is complaining that my parents are punishing them for being responsible. It’s not my fault my family never updated their views, and if they think I need “special help,” then it’s ethical to accept it, right? I’m not lying to or deceiving anyone.
—You Can’t Handle the Truth
Dear You Can’t Handle the Truth,
You should probably have a conversation with your family members and (once again) outline what your financial situation is. Plenty of people with learning disabilities are successful in life, and they should be aware of that. Tell them it’s a little insulting that they assume you’re irresponsible when you’re not, but you’re having this conversation again because it’s the last time you’re going to talk about it. This is not something you should have to work so hard to persuade them of, and if they refuse to be persuaded, then all you can do is accept the consequences of their decision-making. That said, I would emphasize that you are also having this conversation one final time because you think the estate allocations should be equal and don’t want an extra allocation you don’t need. Then your resentful sibling can take it up with your parents if they’re still unhappy.
If your parents still refuse to budge, then accept the money, and more importantly, accept the fact that your family’s mistaken beliefs about you are their loss, not yours. You know who you are and what you’ve accomplished, and you would not be the first person whose family needs to believe that they’re someone they’re not. That’s more about what they need to believe about themselves—that they’re being generous or that they’re more responsible than you—not anything you did wrong.
—Elizabeth
Link