Dear Amy: I'm dating my son-in-law's brother, and now I can't see my grandchild

[cereta]

Dear Amy: I am an older woman who fell in love with a man 17 years younger than me. I love this man with everything I have. We met about five years ago at my home during Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately for us, his brother is married to my daughter.

I have practically raised their daughter from infancy; she’s going into second grade this year. When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, my son-in-law decided he would punish me by keeping my granddaughter away from me. (She was 4 at the time.)

The pressure and pain I endured was overwhelming and I broke up with the first man I've ever loved, who I was completely comfortable with, in order to spend time with my granddaughter.

Then, last year, my guy and I reunited. I love him more every day, but the same thing happened again — my granddaughter wasn’t allowed to come to my home anymore and my son-in-law treats me like dirt. So we broke up again because the pain is almost unbearable for both of us.

I would like your thoughts on this, please, because I need help. I don’t want to live a miserable life without the love of my life.

— Heartbroken

Heartbroken: I’m going to take it as a given that your partner doesn’t present any risks to your granddaughter, and that your son-in-law’s treatment of you is a reflection of the rage he feels at his perception that you are encroaching upon his family.

Nowhere here do you mention your daughter, who is married to this controlling and abusive man. He is managing to control the lives of four people: his wife, his brother, you, and your granddaughter. Perhaps it’s time that someone stood up to him.

You can’t stand up to him if your heart is aching and breaking, and so you will have to train yourself to withstand the consequent separation. It might help if you see your own choice as sending a strong message to both your daughter and granddaughter: “I won’t let him control me.”

Live your life. A counselor could help you and your partner to navigate the anxiety you feel. You should also consult with a lawyer. In my state, grandparents can file a legal petition for visitation.

Comments

[ashbet]

The phrase “grandparents’ rights/visitation” always sends a cold chill down my spine — so much potential for abuse :/

There is just not enough info in this letter to determine who is in the wrong, but therapy couldn’t hurt!

[cereta]

I'll be honest: I mostly posted this for the last line, because it's a misconception that drives me nuts. Laws that allow grandparents to seek visitation generally have very specific circumstances that all boil down to the grandparents' offspring not being in the situation (dead or run off or something). I'm sure there is at least one case out there where an intact, nuclear family was compelled by the court to give visitation to a grandparent, which is why I won't say it never happens, but it's really, really rare, and isn't what most of those laws are for. It's a lot like the idea that fathers can just sign away parental rights (and responsibilities) because they don't want to pay child support: impossible to stamp out.

[green_grrl]

A lot of the misinformed claims come from super entitled “Graaaaaaandkids!” types. But “I have practically raised their daughter from infancy.” It sounds like SIL was happy to use her as a free nanny, but now can’t see past his own squick. Grandparents rights CAN come into play when the grandparent has been such a staple of child’s daily life, though I’m not sure about when the parents are married.

[cimorene]

If that part is accurate, then a big change happened, which might be just squick. But the LW might also be an unreliable narrator, and the fact that she doesn't mention her daughter at all tends to support that. It's also very different depending how her daughter feels about the situation, even if it is simple prejudice at play.

[ioplokon]

I'm not saying they should absolutely not date but................ it's pretty messy, isn't it? Especially since it sounds like they definitely met after daughter and SIL were married, at a family event (so like, even though the letter makes it seem kind of happenstance, knew bf was LW's son's brother when they met...).

I guess I'm curious if they all ever talked about the situation (esp the daughter missing from this letter???) and like, what they said?

Otherwise I kinda feel like it's loosely in Martin Brodeur territory of like, not a great thing to do & very complicated for your family but... I guess it's love, so there's that?? (though at least there's no cheating here, presumably)

[laurajv]

You say Martin Brodeur and all I hear in my head is crowds chanting UNCLE-DADDY

[castiron]

While I would love to pick up a man 17 years younger whenever I'm next in a position to date, I'd like to think I'd have the good judgement to classify my child-in-law's brother as off limits, no matter how well we get along. Yeah, it's not technically incest, but if I were in the position of saying "yeah, my brother is dating my wife's mother", I'd be feeling a little dubious about their judgment.

I'm wondering, though, was the boyfriend under the same restriction -- did the son-in-law tell his brother he couldn't see his niece?

[cora]

All of this.

I think LW left out too many details of the letter to weigh in on anything else, like where is her daughter in all of this? How does the daughter feel about LW dating someone who is young enough to be daughter's sibling?

I think Agony Aunt's response about SIL being "controlling" could be legitimate, but without knowing how the daughter feels, it's hard to tell whether SIL is being "controlling" or whether daughter + SIL presented a united front and LW wants to place the blame for her daughter's feelings at the SIL's doorstep.

SIL in this instance meaning "son in law" (as opposed to "sister in law").

As for visitation rights - that only comes into play if the parents are dead/ran off/signed away their parental rights. Otherwise, it's nice that you want a relationship with the grandkids, but that's entirely dependent on their parents who haven't given/shown any reason for their parental judgement to be in question. "I don't let my kids see/stay with/talk to their grandparents" isn't enough of a reason to question parental judgement. "I let my kids play with sharp knives near electrical outlets" on the other hand...

[minoanmiss]

Wow. Um.

1) I feel like I need more specific information, and the lack of discussion of LW's daughter's perspective is quite glaring. 2) that said. 3) I can't imagine falling for someone 17 years younger than I am, as I am now but 4) People fall in love, sometimes quite unexpectedly 5) I do think that whether or not a child should see someone should be determined by whether or not the visitation is good for the child, not as a weapon to be wielded by the child's guardians. 6) the "I practically raised my granddaughter" bit makes me worry, though. 7) I also wonder if the child's uncle is also disallowed from visiting her.

[p_cocincinus]

Regarding point 3, the older you are, the more people 17 years younger than you are truly grown-ass adults of a reasonable level of maturity and comparable position. I'm old enough to be a grandmother if I got started early, and someone 17 years younger than me, for example, would be 29. While I seriously doubt I would be drawn to someone that young, a person in their early 50s could very reasonably find someone in their mid-30s to be a peer suitable for a romantic connection. I also have a stepbrother who is enough my senior that his oldest child is only eight years younger than me, the same age of my youngest brother, and the idea of him hypothetically dating my mother-in-law is weird but not completely horrifying.

[minoanmiss]

Ahahaha we're the same age. fistbump

I said "I can't imagine" to actually leave more wiggle room than "I wouldn't", because many many things happen that I can't imagine until they appear before me. And I do have friends across a wide age range. So who knows. contemplates some more

[movingfinger]

It's never just one thing. It's never just one time someone showed poor judgement. It's a long pattern of bad behavior, abuse, narcissism, something. There will have always been a longrunning problem and someone finally draws a line.

LW is such an unreliable narrator, the holes in her story have holes.

[feast_of_regrets]

Files under "self inflicted drama". (But then I'm aroace and I would not understand in what universe you would really, absolutely need to date your kids' family members, so what do I know? I still think it's a bad policy decision.)

[ethelmay]

Maybe I am just too cynical about romantic expressions like "the first man I ever loved" and "the love of my life," but I can't help wondering if this person actually is more like Nancy Mitford's character The Bolter, who famously said, "Oh, dulling [darling], one always thinks that. Every, every time."