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Dear Pay Dirt,
Everyone in my family is an academic achiever except me. Despite tests showing high intelligence, my grades were terrible. Decades later, I learned I had an undiagnosed, learning disability. I never told my family. When I was 7, I misunderstood a gift and spent $20 on a bunch of candy instead of returning the change. Because of that, my family thinks I’m bad with money.
My parents also bailed me out of credit card debt in college, but I haven’t taken their money since. My family never lets me pick up a check because they believe I’m poor. I don’t discuss my finances because they don’t believe me. My husband and I have a combined income in the mid-six figures with over seven figures in savings. (I outearn one of my siblings!) My family tried to stop us from buying a house and sending our kids to private school.
During estate planning, my parents allocated me more money than my siblings because they think I’ll need it. One sibling wants me to get it because they don’t want to be financially responsible for me and the other is complaining that my parents are punishing them for being responsible. It’s not my fault my family never updated their views, and if they think I need “special help,” then it’s ethical to accept it, right? I’m not lying to or deceiving anyone.
—You Can’t Handle the Truth
Dear You Can’t Handle the Truth,
You should probably have a conversation with your family members and (once again) outline what your financial situation is. Plenty of people with learning disabilities are successful in life, and they should be aware of that. Tell them it’s a little insulting that they assume you’re irresponsible when you’re not, but you’re having this conversation again because it’s the last time you’re going to talk about it. This is not something you should have to work so hard to persuade them of, and if they refuse to be persuaded, then all you can do is accept the consequences of their decision-making. That said, I would emphasize that you are also having this conversation one final time because you think the estate allocations should be equal and don’t want an extra allocation you don’t need. Then your resentful sibling can take it up with your parents if they’re still unhappy.
If your parents still refuse to budge, then accept the money, and more importantly, accept the fact that your family’s mistaken beliefs about you are their loss, not yours. You know who you are and what you’ve accomplished, and you would not be the first person whose family needs to believe that they’re someone they’re not. That’s more about what they need to believe about themselves—that they’re being generous or that they’re more responsible than you—not anything you did wrong.
—Elizabeth
Link
Everyone in my family is an academic achiever except me. Despite tests showing high intelligence, my grades were terrible. Decades later, I learned I had an undiagnosed, learning disability. I never told my family. When I was 7, I misunderstood a gift and spent $20 on a bunch of candy instead of returning the change. Because of that, my family thinks I’m bad with money.
My parents also bailed me out of credit card debt in college, but I haven’t taken their money since. My family never lets me pick up a check because they believe I’m poor. I don’t discuss my finances because they don’t believe me. My husband and I have a combined income in the mid-six figures with over seven figures in savings. (I outearn one of my siblings!) My family tried to stop us from buying a house and sending our kids to private school.
During estate planning, my parents allocated me more money than my siblings because they think I’ll need it. One sibling wants me to get it because they don’t want to be financially responsible for me and the other is complaining that my parents are punishing them for being responsible. It’s not my fault my family never updated their views, and if they think I need “special help,” then it’s ethical to accept it, right? I’m not lying to or deceiving anyone.
—You Can’t Handle the Truth
Dear You Can’t Handle the Truth,
You should probably have a conversation with your family members and (once again) outline what your financial situation is. Plenty of people with learning disabilities are successful in life, and they should be aware of that. Tell them it’s a little insulting that they assume you’re irresponsible when you’re not, but you’re having this conversation again because it’s the last time you’re going to talk about it. This is not something you should have to work so hard to persuade them of, and if they refuse to be persuaded, then all you can do is accept the consequences of their decision-making. That said, I would emphasize that you are also having this conversation one final time because you think the estate allocations should be equal and don’t want an extra allocation you don’t need. Then your resentful sibling can take it up with your parents if they’re still unhappy.
If your parents still refuse to budge, then accept the money, and more importantly, accept the fact that your family’s mistaken beliefs about you are their loss, not yours. You know who you are and what you’ve accomplished, and you would not be the first person whose family needs to believe that they’re someone they’re not. That’s more about what they need to believe about themselves—that they’re being generous or that they’re more responsible than you—not anything you did wrong.
—Elizabeth
Link
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I am. Trying to decide if LW should take the money as recompense for belittlement or demand respect. Both are valid paths.
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I honestly spent some time trying to figure out a way LW could have their cake and eat it too, get the money and also rub it into everybody else's face - or at least the siblings' faces, the parents presumably being dead by that time.
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Anyway, the commenters over at Slate are ripping into LW. They seem convinced that LW's disingenuous at best, and has basically been stealing from the family by letting them pick up the check when they go out to eat, and is definitely wrong about them having decided they're bad with money at the age of seven.
I have the opposite view. I think it's best to take LW pretty much entirely at face value. I think LW has a family which is at least lightly toxic and that they have, in fact, been telling that "hilarious" story about That Time When LW Was Seven for the past few decades, and combining it with All Those Times Their Grades Were Bad, and generally acting like LW can't be trusted to get anything right. I think LW *has* tried to clear the record and been ignored or laughed off.
And I think that if the family tried to stop them from buying a house and from sending the kids to private school, then that family is entirely over-invested in LW's affairs in a way LW may not realize is inappropriate.
And I *completely* understand why LW, now entirely frustrated at the constant disrespect, might be willing to just take that larger share of the inheritance.
But none of this is really a question for Pay Dirt. I think what LW really needs to do is twofold:
First, talk to the parents and siblings one last time and say very bluntly that they're successful with a steady income and a solid retirement account, and that they don't want to be treated like this anymore and will not accept it. They will from now on always take separate checks when eating out with the family, buying movie tickets, etc - but if they have to hear that one story one more time then that'll be the last time the family hears from them for a long while.
Secondly, LW needs to take their loads and loads of money and get therapy with an eye to working out what the heck they should be doing about their family.
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All of this. Family really bought into the "education is everything" kool aide. And yes, education can help (and is transferable between villages, towns, cities, states and countries), but as my generation saw in 2008 - most of us were educated, and we still didn't get hired because why hire an entry level person for an entry level job when you can pay entry level income to someone with experience and they'll take it because they're desperate for work to support their families? Really at the end of the day, there are things individuals can do to increase the odds of getting hired, but it all boils down to who is hiring, how much money are they willing to invest into th=eir labor pool, and whether the job market is an employer's market or an employee's market.
Given the parents bought this heavily into the academia route, I do also wonder whether LW's leaning disability was truly not recognized, or if the parents opted to not pursue a diagnosis because "We don't want our child to be stuck with that label for life" (for any parent worried about that - don't worry too much. Individualized Education Plans stop when you leave High School. The "I'm stupid" label, and conversely the "I'm not stupid, I have dyslexia and it just takes me longer to do X" label stick around for several decades, if not life).
If I were in LW's shoes, I wouldn't bother to continue to correct the family's outdated views. I'd take that money and shut up about my financial situation. Let the rest of the family think what they want, and let the parents figure out what to do about the siblings who are unhappy with the amount of money they get. Money, which, by the way, none of the kids are entitled to. They didn't work for it, they didn't earn it. The parents are choosing to pass along the parents' earned (and possibly inherited) wealth to their children. It's the parents money to dole out/spend/save as the parents see fit. They could just as easily do the shitty thing and leave all of their money and possessions to charity.
Edit to clarify: It's shitty because we're in a stage of downward financial mobility. In a capitalistic society, family wealth (or lack thereof) can make a huge difference to the next generation.
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My friend is in her 40s and has done totally fine with managing her own money. So yes, this kind of thing (families making enduring judgments based on a childhood incident) really does happen.
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This is actually a funny story instead of a "funny" story because once I stopped growing, my mother and I shared a shoe size... which came in handy on those days when I mislaid my shoes.
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hee!
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Yeah, that sounds pretty age appropriate for an elementary school child who is growing up in a house that is able to provide necessities without much stress. Unless you explain to them (repeatedly because that is how children work) how money works and why the treat is a treat and thus may not be able to be provided this time/all of the time, they genuinely won't know. Especially if the adult tries to use "not now" and "ask later" as a way to say "no." Both of those can very easily (and correctly!) be interpreted as "keep asking."
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ETA: Like, if the parents do something crappy like make the LW's siblings trustees, it sounds like LW will be able to take this mess to a judge and break the trust immediately.