Carolyn Hax: Parent wants to give money but fears son-in-law will waste it

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: I have decided to give a sizable cash gift to each of my children and their spouses each year. My son and daughter-in-law have already told me what they are going to spend the money on: doing house repairs, paying off their car, etc.

My concern is with my daughter and her new husband. They are both teachers in their late 30s. He has a history of overspending (apparently it runs in his family). He had a lot of debt when they met and my daughter helped him navigate paying down loans and credit cards. She has shared all of this with me. She said he still likes to spend on frivolous things.

They are expecting. I was unhappily surprised when I asked about summer plans and they are just taking it easy with no plans to earn extra money. I don’t want to attach any strings to this money, but I cannot stop thinking about him using it unwisely. What do you think about my asking my daughter how they plan to use the money? Or should I just get over it and let them handle it?

— Concerned

Concerned: There are lots of options between butting into their business or enabling their business. You could give them (some of) the money in a trust, for example, to both couples, to avoid a judgy look. Or you could set up an education savings account, one you control, for your coming grandchild. These may seem like “strings,” but they are darn generous ones, and they are smart.

I like this one the best: Since your daughter shared his history with you, you can talk to her about what she would prefer. Not in a controlly, “tsk at your unwise spending” way, but in a way that acknowledges a reality that your daughter has managed responsibly and trusted you enough to share.

Tell her you are mindful of how hard she and her husband have worked on excess spending and debt, and therefore want her input on this gift. Specifically, say you want to avoid putting her in a bad spot with a windfall, but you also want avoid interfering or attaching strings. Encourage her to give it some thought and come back to you with ideas, and offer her some starter ideas as well. An education account for the baby? A trust that pays out over time?

The main element of finding the “right” answer here, whatever it turns out to be, is not the money or the spending or the husband. It is your relationship with your daughter. If it is a good one, if she has shared her financial circumstances with you freely, in the spirit of openness and in trusting search of support, then you are in a position to say credibly that you are asking for her input on her behalf.

Because that is what it would be. Handing an addict a huge dose of a problematic substance has given us a rich library of outcomes to learn from. Giving your daughter a chance to act on the experiences of others instead of gaining her own the hard way is itself a sizable gift.

Comments

[conuly]

I was unhappily surprised when I asked about summer plans and they are just taking it easy with no plans to earn extra money.

Since when is it a crime to take it easy and not earn extra money?

[cereta]

You'd be surprised how judgmental people can get about how teachers spend their summers. Ironically, my mother's latest is chiding me for not just taking the summer off and resting up.

[zana16]

Especially when this is their last chance for some time to have child-free fun times - I’d take the summer off, too!

[ethelmay]

Being pregnant is a goddamn second job.

Thoughts

[cereta]

1. Two people in their late 30's with stressful jobs are taking a few weeks to relax? Clutch the pearls!

2. Ways this could go wrong:
2a. You give your son the money outright but put conditions on the daughter's. This leads to resentment and accusations of favoritism.
2b. You put conditions on both of the gifts, making it difficult for son to use the money as planned. This leads to resentment and accusations that you are punishing him and his wife for your son-in-law's actions.

3. One way you could avoid these things: instead of giving specific amounts of money, pay for specific needs. Fix the son's roof, pay for a few months of daycare for your daughter, etc.

4. I don't disagree that talking to the daughter about the issue might help, but ultimately, you can only control someone else so much. If you're going to give money, you may just have to let go of any thoughts of controlling the outcome.

Re: Thoughts

[fox]

Two people in their late 30s with stressful jobs one of whom is pregnant are taking it easy with the last chance they’ll have for the next several years. I’m not terribly interested in what Grandma thinks of that.

Re: Thoughts

[cereta]

Gah, yes, that was supposed to be in that sentence. Too many thoughts crowding.

Re: Thoughts

[ashbet]

Agreed!!

I think the LW sounds more than a bit judgmental/controlling -- a lot of strings on what they think is an appropriate use of money and time.

A trust is a good idea for a lot of reasons (you can specify that the money belongs to your child and their children, and can't be treated as community property in a divorce, for example), although I'd definitely advise treating the siblings equally.

[julian]

My grandparents did a trust for my brother and I, and since we didn't know any of the background (and still don't), that was fine.

It's not a good idea to do it Differently For Each Kid. So. Don't.

[torachan]

My wife's parents set up a trust for both their children and grandchildren. However, the trust has different rules for my wife and her sister, and her sister's son and daughter. My wife and her nephew have to petition the trust to use any money and it can be denied if the trust deems the reason not good enough, whereas her sister and niece have free use of the money (or rather, her niece will when she turns 25; I think she's 21-22ish now). I'm glad we have the money! I'm very grateful to my wife's parents! But it has definitely caused some resentment due to the unequal treatment and clear view of who is responsible or not.

[minoanmiss]

Dear Creator of the Universe Who May Or May Not Exist,

If I had money I would not use it as a bludgeon like so many people in advice columns seem to. I would be tempted, being human, but I would not, because it would be cruel. So what would be so terrible if I had a small fortune? If I were a rich girl...

[feast_of_regrets]

This!!! The well off always seem so grasping. You would definitely do better by this kind of money than LW.

[minoanmiss]

blushes I hope so. I sometimes ssupect money is like sugar -- some is a nutrient, too much is poison.

[oursin]

Pardon me, but are we in some place where the Married Women's Property Act does not obtain? She is, presumably, leaving this money to her daughter, who has already displayed financial chops in helping her imprudent overspending husband. Why should she anticipate that Daughter, now expecting a child, is going to let her husband run through their her inheritance until they can cosplay Last Day in the Old Home rather than making sure it is a secure nest-egg for family future?

(I also have a vague sense that legacies are not included in joint property when allocating this for divorce, but can stand to be corrected...)

[mrissa]

I think in the US it may depend on your state of residence (the US once again being more like the EU than like a single country in some regards), but I know of at least one divorced friend who got to keep an inheritance in the divorce when she could track that it was her inheritance from her grandfather and not something else.

[mrissa]

(But also I'm with all the people above going "wut" about the "oh noes a few weeks off for the summer oh noes." Also from the teachers I know, it often really is only a few weeks--by the time you add up all the work of getting the next year's lessons planned out, especially if you're teaching a new subject or age or the curriculum has changed significantly, there's a lot for teachers to do over the summer!)

[cora]

LW specifically mentioned the money is for the kids and their spouses:
I have decided to give a sizable cash gift to each of my children and their spouses each year.

I think your answer makes more sense, though: Give it to just the kids, and not kids + spouses, and it solves the worries LW has about where the money goes. I do like the alternate option of "If you have/are having kids, money goes to them, otherwise it goes to you + spouse." Money goes to grandkids via trust, college fund, or other options.

If this is the US: A retirement savings plan for the grandkids wouldn't be a terrible idea, either. Not everyone goes to college, but we're all (hopefully) going to get old and want to retire some day. We've heard for generations about how social security is dwindling, and future generations have to be at least 67 years old to access it.

[ethelmay]

There are more restrictions on retirement accounts than on college savings accounts. Essentially a college savings account can be a better deal for rich people, because it's an easier way to get money accumulating tax-free for a child with no income, and you can make much bigger deposits. (Why, yes, 529 plans can be kind of a scam under some circumstances.)