Care & Feeding: Baby vs Dog

[minoanmiss]

We Just Had a Baby. My Husband Won’t Admit What We Have to Do With Our Dog Now.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband has had our beloved dog “Rex” since we started dating. Rex was a puppy then, and is now 6. His breed can often live as long as 14 years. He’s always been well-socialized and behaved with both people and other dogs. But after our daughter was born, things changed. She is only 3 months old, and he growls at her frequently. Rex seems especially upset when she has my husband’s attention. Multiple times he’s growled and tried to jump up on me and knock me over during breastfeeding when he was never a jumping dog before. Two times he’s nipped at her hands when she was lying on her blanket in the living room.

We now crate Rex at night and keep them in separate rooms during the day, but I think this is dangerous. My husband committed to taking her to additional training, but it hasn’t made a difference and I think it’s time to rehome Rex for safety. We argued horribly about it. My husband refuses—he says Rex is too old to find a good home and it would be a betrayal after years of pet ownership. He thinks the new training will help and wants more time. I think injuring our child would be a bigger betrayal. It would be so bad for my marriage, rough for my job, and daycare arrangements but I’m seriously considering taking her and staying with family until we fix this. What do I do?

—Mom First, Pet Owner Second

Dear First/Second,

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This is an unhappy situation to be sure, but unfortunately not unheard of. Whether anxiety, jealousy, or something else, some dogs just do not jive with having a child around. Growls and nips are Rex’s way of communicating that he is uncomfortable—it’s the warning before the bigger reaction, and you need to pay attention to it. (Side note: Because a growl is a warning, never scold a dog for doing it, and instead intervene in whatever stressor it is that he’s warning you about.) Training, medication, and modifying your own behavior and lifestyle are all potentially viable ways to address Rex’s current discomfort. They all might also fail, and you and your husband must agree that your child’s safety comes first and figure out how to decide to throw in the towel.

I would suggest talking to the trainer together, as well as your veterinarian, about what kind of timeline is reasonable to give to the training regimen to see whether it succeeds. I would also ask them whether Rex may be a viable candidate for medication. If you can agree on either a timeline or some behavioral indicators that show Rex is making progress, that can get you and your husband back on the same team instead of butting heads.

However, the broader thing to consider is this: Even if Rex successfully completes training, will he be living comfortably in your home, or will he simply be behaving better while feeling miserable? I understand that your husband does not want to abandon his beloved pet—it’s heartbreaking to consider. But you both (and these professionals) need to determine whether living in a home with a baby is the best thing for Rex—especially if it means he’s separated from his family most of the day. Painful as it may be, a rehome may wind up being the most compassionate thing you can do for him. Many shelters and some vets have rehoming programs and will work tirelessly to ensure a pet can find a successful placement—perhaps even one where your husband can still visit Rex, if he wants that. Rex sounds like a lovely dog, and if it comes to this, I’m sure he’ll be able to find a lovely family. (And as an adopter of an adult dog myself, I promise there is a market for non-puppies out there.)

Comments

[conuly]

Poor Rex. Some dogs just do not like babies, and I guess he's one of them.

[minoanmiss]

Show of hands: how many people want to suggest sending the baby back?

[mildred_of_midgard]

I mean, if it were me...

[conuly]

Woof woof?

[minoanmiss]

hee :)

[ysobel]

*four paws up*

[topaz_eyes]

There's a lot of missing information here as to whether Rex can be trained successfully to accept the baby. LW claims he behaves around other people and dogs--but does that include small children too? What was Rex's life like before LW's husband adopted him? Was he around small children who mistreated him? And does his breed history suggest he'll be good around children?

He's clearly a dog that needs to be the centre of attention in the household, and that's no longer possible. I'm curious also as to how (or even if) they prepared Rex before they brought the baby home. But after 3 months and training without change in his behaviour, he needs to be re-homed. If husband keeps refusing to accept reality, LW may also need to re-home the husband along with Rex.

[laurajv]

Here's the thing, as someone who has multiple children and has had many dogs throughout my life: this is a wildly unsafe situation. Even a small dog is extremely dangerous to a young baby -- a 5 lb chihuahua can kill a young infant inside of a minute. The dog we had when we had our first child was about 30 lbs and her reaction to the baby was to sniff gently and occasionally ask for a game of tug (this was so cute you guys), and I still would not have left her alone in a room with the baby, no matter how much I loved her and knew she was non-aggressive with the baby.

This dog is dangerously aggressive with a just-past-newborn infant. The dog has nipped the baby more than once and jumped at a parent. This is NOT an animal that can be trained to be safe with an infant: this is an animal that needs to not be around infants. That baby is at immediate risk of death from having Rex in the house, and I am not joking. All the adults in this column, including the LW, are underreacting to the danger to that infant. Do LW and her husband have friends who are childfree who like the dog? That might be a good solution. But Rex and the baby can't be the same house, for both of their safeties.

[azurelunatic]

Yeah, this is Evacuate The House Now, and only come back after Rex is, at minimum, rehomed until the kid is old enough to avoid the dog on their own.

[laurajv]

Yes. And to be clear -- I'm not blaming Rex! Some dogs don't like small children and it's not a judgement on whether they are good dogs. They are just dogs, and they need to be treated with the basic respect and understanding of what dogs actually are, and what is and isn't safe to do in a situation where a dog is badly stressed out and unstable.

[azurelunatic]

They are still potentially dangerous animals! So are cats! And that level of aggression to a baby that can't get away -- *shudder* NOPE

It's vastly in Rex's best interests to get him rehomed before this situation turns into a tragedy, and the only people with the ability to prevent it are the adults here.

[minoanmiss]

You are, of course, absolutely right.

[laurajv]

I admit to being honestly startled that the columnist didn't point out how dangerous this is. :/

[katiedid717]

I'm really concerned that I'm going to be in this position in the spring. I have a 15yo cat who hates everyone and everything - she tolerates me sometimes, but would rather be left alone to hiss and spit at anyone who looks her way. She also does not like other animals - currently fostering two other adult cats (age unknown but probably 8-12 years each) for one of my sisters while she's out of the country for work.

I'm expecting a baby in early April and I'm really concerned about what I might have to do if my old demon spawn is aggressive towards the baby. She'll be 16 then and she's a miserable piece of shit, so I doubt I would be able to rehome her. But I would also hate to have to put down a healthy animal.

[minoanmiss]

Congratulations and holy crap. May Bast's blessings be on you all.

[katiedid717]

Thank you! I'm hoping that she'll keep directing her animosity at the other cats (they are physically separated but can see each other sometimes) and will ignore little man.