Care and feeding: My son's pranks have gone too far

[cereta]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 14-year-old son, “Toby.” Toby’s always been a jokester, and I don’t mean in the telling jokes sort of way: He’s frequently a class clown and someone who has to say or do outrageous things in any group to get attention. It was tolerable; despite his antics, his grades are good, and he usually knows how to toe the line and avoid serious trouble. Well, until yesterday.

I was expecting an important call from work, serious enough to take on a weekend. But I had a stomach issue and was in the restroom when the phone rang, so Toby picked it up. I was on the can for about 10 minutes and could hear Toby speaking to someone but not clearly saying what he was saying. I get out of the restroom and find Toby laughing his head off.

He had told my co-worker that she had called a murder scene, and he was the detective investigating and spent the call grilling her on how she “knew the victim” and asking for her input on whether she knew anyone likely to do this.

I got the phone back from him and straightened everything out with my colleague, or so I think. This has gone way too far. And I wish I could say I didn’t see the warning signs, but they were always there. Yes, I can be more careful about letting him get my phone, but the whole incident makes me realize I’ve been too lenient about these pranks, and they need to stop yesterday. Only, I’ve indulged them long enough that I’m not sure how to make an about-face work when he inevitably doesn’t want to go along. How do I change a significant part of his personality at this stage?

—Gone Too Far

Dear Gone Too Far,

You’re going to have to teach your son the difference between an acceptable prank, such as pretending to be a fast food restaurant when your sister calls, and an inappropriate one, like the one he did recently. Be honest with him about the fact that you let his shenanigans go on for too long, and that you regret not checking him sooner. When his antics cross the line, he should face consequences; loss of screen time is one that tends to resonate with kids his age. Talk to him about how his actions make people feel and ask him to consider how terrified your coworker must have been. Explain to him that pranks should be fun for everyone involved, not just the person pulling them. As a rule, if the target of his jokes can’t laugh along with them, then he shouldn’t proceed. Hold him accountable going forward, and don’t worry that you’re altering part of his personality; you’ll be helping him to improve his character.

Comments

[adrian_turtle]

What "significant part of his personality" does LW think they want to change? Is this like having an active toddler and feeling like a significant part of their personality is to run ahead without looking?

[cereta]

Okay, full admission, here: I hate pranks. Haaaaaate them. They almost always involve humiliation and embarrassment, they're frequently just mean, and the victim is almost always pressured to accept shitty behavior in the name of humor. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.
So take all this with that in mind.

It is either too late or too soon to teach your son the nuances of ethical pranking. Right now, he needs to stop, period. Lessons (possibly with a counselor) in empathy and judgment need to happen before he can even get into things like, "Only prank someone who you know will find that particular prank funny," and "For the love of God, think about potential consequences if you're wrong, which is to say, don't risk your parent getting fired." And more than anything, "if, in getting a laugh at someone else's expense, you hurt that person (physically or emotionally), apologize and never do it again. Do not in any way suggest that it's on them not to be hurt."

Okay, that last one is like 75% of my conflicts with my family, admittedly, but it's still a good principle.

[cimorene]

Exactly. This advice is acting like the problem is about 10% as severe as what she's described. She would be as lucky as a lottery winner to navigate the situation with that advice. They both need therapy to deal with the situation just for starters!

[minoanmiss]

I nearly emailed you to make sure you saw this one, hahaha.

[cereta]

You know me so well ;).

[full_metal_ox]

"For the love of God, think about potential consequences if you're wrong, which is to say, don't risk your parent getting fired."

And think about worst-case scenarios; I recall a fad for official-sounding prank Purge announcements, which saw a sudden upswing during COVID quarantine. Now, consider: you’ve presumably picked the target for their credulity and reactiveness, for maximum lulz. Suppose they fall for it.

You’ve probably got a track record of frightening and angering them.

And they believe it’s Open Murder Season.

[minoanmiss]

LW, if you (assisted by a therapist) don't teach Toby what to do with his impish side someone else will much more painfully. I mean, the crime scene detective thing is a brilliant piece of improv as well as a horrible cruel prank. Where else can he channel that energy?

[adrian_turtle]

Where else can he channel that energy?

Off the top of my head? Theater. Probably also writing fiction. Maybe role-playing games. Then you can have a flat rule: No pranks on anyone who did not opt in for you to fool them.

[magid]

There's also improv story-telling games (I suck at them).

[resonant]

He’s frequently a class clown and someone who has to say or do outrageous things in any group to get attention.

That line caught my eye.

The one class clown I was ever personal friends with was a kid whose mother could never, ever allow him to be right, or smart, or interesting, or the center of anyone's attention. She extinguished everyone's interest in him, so of course when he was away from her he was desperate to be interesting. (I was friends with this guy in high school, before the internet existed, and I suspect this is why he was only a joker and not a prankster. Jokers are much easier to enjoy.)

There's not enough information in the letter to really draw any conclusions about Toby's family life, but I do have to note that LW doesn't mention anything they like about their kid.

[liv]

Yes, really good point. I am sometimes annoyed with the tendency of people commenting on children's behavioural issues to jump straight to blaming 'bad parenting', by which they often mean not being sufficiently authoritarian. But in this case I do think there are questions to be raised about LW's parenting. Not just the specifics of not teaching their teen about what contexts are ok for pranks. But quite possibly also not supporting him to feel secure enough that he isn't quite so desperate for attention. I don't like "his grades are good", with the implication that he must be psychologically fine. If the only thing you ever get noticed for is your grades, maybe you need another outlet.

[melannen]

I notice that it very suddenly went from "annoying but okay" to "this is unacceptable and over the line" the minute it embarrassed LW, and not a second before.

LW, I don't really think the fact that this is suddenly "serious trouble" when it wasn't before is fundamentally about your kid's jokester tendencies getting worse. And you didn't miss "warning signs", you almost certainly missed him going way over the line in ways you didn't care about because it didn't involve you directly.

You need to sit with *yourself* and figure out why what happened yesterday was bad, because I don't think you can actually teach him how to draw an ethical line around joking generally until *you* know what it is. (Unless your only line is going "never, ever interfere with my job again if you know what's good for you", which is a valid line, but isn't going to teach him anything broader about when pranks are okay.)

[cereta]

Very good point.

[minoanmiss]

Well said indeed

[topaz_eyes]

LW does say about Toby, despite his antics, his grades are good, and he usually knows how to toe the line and avoid serious trouble. LW simply never thought Toby would pull that prank on their co-worker (and hence LW), during what already sounded like a highly stressful time at work.

Did Toby know LW was expecting that call from work? Did LW explain to Toby how serious the call was? If yes, then certainly Toby was way out of line with his prank. He should have to apologize to the co-worker as part of his consequences.

But if Toby didn't know about the call--and imho it's not really clear from LW's letter that he did know--then I think maybe LW needs to cut him a bit of slack. At least, imho LW should not take out their embarrassment on Toby. Instead, as C&F says, LW should use this event as a teaching tool.

Either way, Toby absolutely needs to learn how to recognize when pranks are acceptable and when they aren't.

[mrissa]

More careful about letting him get her phone? HE IS 14. We're not talking about a 14 MONTH old who might pick up the phone and run away giggling and have to be diverted from pressing the buttons here.

[magid]

Especially when you know you're getting a work call that's important enough to take on the weekend!