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agonyaunt2022-10-31 11:02 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-10-31 11:02 am
Entry tags:
Care & Feeding: Where Did I Go Wrong Parenting My Daughter?
Content advisory: Crossracial & crosscultural adoption.
Recently, my daughter’s ninth-grade teacher contacted me about an assignment she turned in. My daughter wrote a dark, intensely emotional in-class essay about feeling like a stranger from her home culture. We adopted her as an infant from Ethiopia, and my husband and I naturally discussed all the repercussions that could come with interracial adoption. In addition, from an early age, we made no secret to our daughter that it was OK if she had complicated feelings surrounding her adoption, that she will definitely have different cultural experiences than our own, and that she was absolutely welcome to seek out whatever communities/friends/etc. she felt most comfortable and happy with. We enrolled her in adoption therapy when she was a bit older (after about six sessions, she declared it was a waste of time because she didn’t “have bad feelings” about her adoption). We stocked our home full of cookbooks (she’s turned up her nose at all Ethiopian cuisine and instead prefers mashed potatoes and chicken tenders). We even offered to return to calling her by her Ethiopian name (she picked an American nickname in early grade school that’s she’s insisted upon ever since). I’ve asked what she wants to do to connect with her birth home, but she’s always said that she’s an American and wants to be treated as such.
Her teacher contacted us with understandable concern; her in-class personal essay describes a narrative of being plucked from the place she called home, being smothered by American culture, and never fitting in with anyone around her. It’s really depressing to read!
Where did I screw up? I’ve always been proactive about connecting her with the place where she was born, but she’s never seemed to care. Should I re-enroll her in adoption therapy? I feel like I missed something huge, and I don’t know what happened. Please help.
—Lost Mother of a Lost Child
Dear LMoaLC,
You didn’t screw up. You said that you were OK if she had complicated feelings, so guess what, she has complicated feelings. I’m sure she loves you and feels safe and loved in your home. I’m sure she is, to a significant extent, culturally assimilated and comfortable in her world. I’m also sure that she has doubts, concerns, and feelings of discomfort about who she is and what her story is. I’m sure these things are changing for her every day.
My guess is she’s exploring them in her schoolwork rather than with you for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to: a) she likes having a dramatic story; b) she’s afraid you would be hurt if she said these things directly to you—which, to be fair, you kind of are; c) she wants to impress a teacher or classmate; d) she has no idea why this stuff is coming out, it just is and she’s not about to stand in the way of inspiration; e) watching the world and the country unfold as it is every day is making her feel an increased solidarity with people of color and think more deeply about her story and how to be more honest about all of its layers.
Bringing a child of color into a white world and a white family is not easy. It’s never going to be easy. It’s not going to be easy for the child, and it’s not going to be easy for you. This is one of the ways in which that’s true. You have to sit with your own discomfort. You have to talk to friends, your private therapist, your loved ones about it—but not your daughter. You have to resist the temptation to make it about you and where you did or didn’t go wrong. You didn’t go wrong. She is having a human response to a situation. Let her have it, and be her mother. That means love her unconditionally, support her, feed her, listen to her. She is lucky to have you. That’s a fact, so don’t get obsessed with whether or not she sees it that way right now.
Recently, my daughter’s ninth-grade teacher contacted me about an assignment she turned in. My daughter wrote a dark, intensely emotional in-class essay about feeling like a stranger from her home culture. We adopted her as an infant from Ethiopia, and my husband and I naturally discussed all the repercussions that could come with interracial adoption. In addition, from an early age, we made no secret to our daughter that it was OK if she had complicated feelings surrounding her adoption, that she will definitely have different cultural experiences than our own, and that she was absolutely welcome to seek out whatever communities/friends/etc. she felt most comfortable and happy with. We enrolled her in adoption therapy when she was a bit older (after about six sessions, she declared it was a waste of time because she didn’t “have bad feelings” about her adoption). We stocked our home full of cookbooks (she’s turned up her nose at all Ethiopian cuisine and instead prefers mashed potatoes and chicken tenders). We even offered to return to calling her by her Ethiopian name (she picked an American nickname in early grade school that’s she’s insisted upon ever since). I’ve asked what she wants to do to connect with her birth home, but she’s always said that she’s an American and wants to be treated as such.
Her teacher contacted us with understandable concern; her in-class personal essay describes a narrative of being plucked from the place she called home, being smothered by American culture, and never fitting in with anyone around her. It’s really depressing to read!
Where did I screw up? I’ve always been proactive about connecting her with the place where she was born, but she’s never seemed to care. Should I re-enroll her in adoption therapy? I feel like I missed something huge, and I don’t know what happened. Please help.
—Lost Mother of a Lost Child
Dear LMoaLC,
You didn’t screw up. You said that you were OK if she had complicated feelings, so guess what, she has complicated feelings. I’m sure she loves you and feels safe and loved in your home. I’m sure she is, to a significant extent, culturally assimilated and comfortable in her world. I’m also sure that she has doubts, concerns, and feelings of discomfort about who she is and what her story is. I’m sure these things are changing for her every day.
My guess is she’s exploring them in her schoolwork rather than with you for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to: a) she likes having a dramatic story; b) she’s afraid you would be hurt if she said these things directly to you—which, to be fair, you kind of are; c) she wants to impress a teacher or classmate; d) she has no idea why this stuff is coming out, it just is and she’s not about to stand in the way of inspiration; e) watching the world and the country unfold as it is every day is making her feel an increased solidarity with people of color and think more deeply about her story and how to be more honest about all of its layers.
Bringing a child of color into a white world and a white family is not easy. It’s never going to be easy. It’s not going to be easy for the child, and it’s not going to be easy for you. This is one of the ways in which that’s true. You have to sit with your own discomfort. You have to talk to friends, your private therapist, your loved ones about it—but not your daughter. You have to resist the temptation to make it about you and where you did or didn’t go wrong. You didn’t go wrong. She is having a human response to a situation. Let her have it, and be her mother. That means love her unconditionally, support her, feed her, listen to her. She is lucky to have you. That’s a fact, so don’t get obsessed with whether or not she sees it that way right now.
no subject
LW, why did you choose to adopt a child from Ethiopia in the first place? So everyone would see your accomplishment and admire you? So you could give a child who needed a home the best home you could provide? Think back to the basics for a moment.
Carvell, I'm surprised you didn't mention something. This girl is fourteen. By this point people have said stuff directly to her about her race. Whether kids or adults, people have asked why her parents are White and she's Black, why she "doesn't act Black," insulting questions about her sex life, something. There is no way at this point in her life that people haven't directly brought up her race and her singularity to her, and she's processing that. I think you needed to spell that out bluntly for the LW.
no subject
Might want a little light counseling yourself, though, so you can have your own emotions (about your daughter's emotions) without imposing them on her. There may be a time when you can share those emotions, but it's best to at least differentiate what's going on, first.
no subject
I feel like LW's daughter is a teenager who is starting to explore her personal history and identity from a secure perspective of someone who is loved, who feels safe at home, and who wants to think things through. Society is telling her a lot of things as a fourteen-year-old Black girl that are not the things she has been hearing from her parents.
I would like to suggest one thing to this family: consider a trip to your daughter's natal country and let her get to know it. Neighboring places too. Ethiopia has a rich, deep culture and parts are stunningly beautiful. Offer her this heritage.
no subject
Yeah, maybe the teacher shouldn't have told the parents how concerned they were?
no subject
no subject
(The answer for LW is: congrats, you have successfully raised a typical American teenager, you won't do *anything* right for the next several years, just follow her lead and be there and don't let your big feelings get in the way of hers.)