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Dear Care and Feeding: At the end of my rope
Link.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a single parent with a 15-year-old only child. Over the summer, my son was kicked out of sleep-away camp for bullying and acting racist. He was grounded when he got home and assigned a chore equal in value to the cost of camp. He understands why his behavior was seen as racist and felt badly about that, though generally he was pretty defiant about the situation. During the time that he was grounded, he ran away. He was found at a friend’s house a couple of hours later, and I did call the police to report this.
Yes, he’s been in therapy for months. If anything, things are worse. I’ve been testing him for drugs on a weekly basis for over a year. He peed dirty a couple of weeks ago for marijuana. When there were consequences, he wasn’t happy, and he threatened to run away. The next week, I told him he could not hang out in a nonchaperoned place. Directly after school, he shut off location services on his phone and went to hang out in our little downtown, exactly what he was told not to do. He said he would only come home if I agreed to let him leave again. I said no—he was grounded for the evening since he didn’t have permission to hang out after school. After I brought him home from a friend’s house, he walked the mile or two back to that kid’s house. Since I knew he was safe, I just let it go.
He was gone until Sunday night, when I was concerned that if I didn’t call the police, and he was truant on Monday, I might end up in trouble with DFS. He was brought home in cuffs. He seemed contrite that night, but the next morning, when I asked him to take a drug test, he put water in it. I was concerned that he may have experimented with other drugs during that weekend, which, based on what I’ve heard from other kids his age, was epic. According to him, it was the time of his life. He ran away again that night. Police brought him home.
If he’s grounded, he just does what he wants. When he’s defiant, he’s mean, manipulative, and rude. He will lie about the location of my own nose to me. When he does act contrite, it’s short-lived, and the monster quickly returns. How am I supposed to parent a kid who doesn’t respect me at all? How do I enforce rules if he just ignores them and their consequences? We’re going to family counseling now, and I’m trying to get him into a drug-prevention program at his school.
I love my son. It’s really hard to lately. What can I do?
—Frustrated Mom
Dear FM,
First of all, you have my deepest sympathies. We live in a society that really loves blaming mothers. So let me first take a moment to say: Any readers who can’t wait to offer their opinion on how this is all the mother’s fault should shut the hell up.
You already understand that the situation is bad. But what you may not fully understand is this: You can’t parent your way out of this, even if you think you parented your way into this (and who knows if you did or didn’t). Your son is in a bad state. Part of that has to do with the fact that he’s a teenager, which means that his ability to understand reality is simply not fully developed. His capacity to recognize consequences, for example, just isn’t there. He thinks he’s making decisions based on one set of potential outcomes, but he is completely ignorant of an entirely worse set of potential outcomes. And even when he is made aware of danger, he forgets it instantly when he is confronted with an opportunity for what he thinks is pleasure.
However, it also sounds as if he is dealing with even more specific and serious issues, issues of emotional health and, I’m guessing, addiction. One of the things people forget about alcoholic or addictive behavior is that it has little to do with the drugs people use or don’t use. It’s better to think of it as a mental state that drives people to prioritize drug and alcohol use over everything, even over things they wish they could prioritize. In this way it can be as shitty for them as it is for the people who love them, even though sympathy can be hard to muster because one of the things they simply cannot prioritize is caring for another person. Addicts are selfish and hurtful, even when they don’t want to be. These moments where your son feels contrition suggest to me that he would like to be conducting his life differently than he is but that he is wrestling with something greater and more powerful than his will to be good.
Which is why you can’t help. What he is wrestling with is more powerful than him right now and is more powerful than your influence. This is a “secure your oxygen mask first” situation if I ever heard one. You must do this or else he will drag you into the abyss with him.
You need to begin looking for other places for him to be. I know that 15 feels young to put him out of the house, but he is in an extreme state right now, and your attempts to parent, discipline, plead, cajole, and manipulate him into good behavior are not doing anyone any good. If he is ready to live with a friend, good luck to them and their family. (Prince was living in his best friend’s basement by the time he was 15, and he seemed to be able to get his life together.) If he needs to go to a residential treatment facility, good for him. If he winds up in a two-year youth corrective facility at the behest of the state or county, that is less than ideal, but I’ve seen plenty of people get sober once they get locked up too. Either way, I think it’s time you surrender and admit defeat.
You have exhausted your options and you must turn it all over. I know this can be a terrifying and painful proposition when speaking of a person you once carried in your arms, but it is time to be as honest with yourself as you must be with him. You need to start thinking about how you can get your life and space back. In some states the emancipation process can begin as soon as 14; in most cases it is 16. While he is too young for you to legally put him on the street today, 16 is right around the corner, and even now there are options like the ones above—or like choosing to further involve DFS and getting a caseworker assigned to help you determine, after a thorough investigation, if the best interests of your kid would be served by your voluntarily relinquishing your parental rights. [Update, Oct. 10, 2018: A reader wrote in to specifically suggest consulting a parental-custody attorney, which I think is a good call.]
His future is out of your hands now, and the good news is that you aren’t the only factor that determines the outcome of his life. There is a whole world out there and there is a whole world within him as well. Good luck. My heart is with you.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a single parent with a 15-year-old only child. Over the summer, my son was kicked out of sleep-away camp for bullying and acting racist. He was grounded when he got home and assigned a chore equal in value to the cost of camp. He understands why his behavior was seen as racist and felt badly about that, though generally he was pretty defiant about the situation. During the time that he was grounded, he ran away. He was found at a friend’s house a couple of hours later, and I did call the police to report this.
Yes, he’s been in therapy for months. If anything, things are worse. I’ve been testing him for drugs on a weekly basis for over a year. He peed dirty a couple of weeks ago for marijuana. When there were consequences, he wasn’t happy, and he threatened to run away. The next week, I told him he could not hang out in a nonchaperoned place. Directly after school, he shut off location services on his phone and went to hang out in our little downtown, exactly what he was told not to do. He said he would only come home if I agreed to let him leave again. I said no—he was grounded for the evening since he didn’t have permission to hang out after school. After I brought him home from a friend’s house, he walked the mile or two back to that kid’s house. Since I knew he was safe, I just let it go.
He was gone until Sunday night, when I was concerned that if I didn’t call the police, and he was truant on Monday, I might end up in trouble with DFS. He was brought home in cuffs. He seemed contrite that night, but the next morning, when I asked him to take a drug test, he put water in it. I was concerned that he may have experimented with other drugs during that weekend, which, based on what I’ve heard from other kids his age, was epic. According to him, it was the time of his life. He ran away again that night. Police brought him home.
If he’s grounded, he just does what he wants. When he’s defiant, he’s mean, manipulative, and rude. He will lie about the location of my own nose to me. When he does act contrite, it’s short-lived, and the monster quickly returns. How am I supposed to parent a kid who doesn’t respect me at all? How do I enforce rules if he just ignores them and their consequences? We’re going to family counseling now, and I’m trying to get him into a drug-prevention program at his school.
I love my son. It’s really hard to lately. What can I do?
—Frustrated Mom
Dear FM,
First of all, you have my deepest sympathies. We live in a society that really loves blaming mothers. So let me first take a moment to say: Any readers who can’t wait to offer their opinion on how this is all the mother’s fault should shut the hell up.
You already understand that the situation is bad. But what you may not fully understand is this: You can’t parent your way out of this, even if you think you parented your way into this (and who knows if you did or didn’t). Your son is in a bad state. Part of that has to do with the fact that he’s a teenager, which means that his ability to understand reality is simply not fully developed. His capacity to recognize consequences, for example, just isn’t there. He thinks he’s making decisions based on one set of potential outcomes, but he is completely ignorant of an entirely worse set of potential outcomes. And even when he is made aware of danger, he forgets it instantly when he is confronted with an opportunity for what he thinks is pleasure.
However, it also sounds as if he is dealing with even more specific and serious issues, issues of emotional health and, I’m guessing, addiction. One of the things people forget about alcoholic or addictive behavior is that it has little to do with the drugs people use or don’t use. It’s better to think of it as a mental state that drives people to prioritize drug and alcohol use over everything, even over things they wish they could prioritize. In this way it can be as shitty for them as it is for the people who love them, even though sympathy can be hard to muster because one of the things they simply cannot prioritize is caring for another person. Addicts are selfish and hurtful, even when they don’t want to be. These moments where your son feels contrition suggest to me that he would like to be conducting his life differently than he is but that he is wrestling with something greater and more powerful than his will to be good.
Which is why you can’t help. What he is wrestling with is more powerful than him right now and is more powerful than your influence. This is a “secure your oxygen mask first” situation if I ever heard one. You must do this or else he will drag you into the abyss with him.
You need to begin looking for other places for him to be. I know that 15 feels young to put him out of the house, but he is in an extreme state right now, and your attempts to parent, discipline, plead, cajole, and manipulate him into good behavior are not doing anyone any good. If he is ready to live with a friend, good luck to them and their family. (Prince was living in his best friend’s basement by the time he was 15, and he seemed to be able to get his life together.) If he needs to go to a residential treatment facility, good for him. If he winds up in a two-year youth corrective facility at the behest of the state or county, that is less than ideal, but I’ve seen plenty of people get sober once they get locked up too. Either way, I think it’s time you surrender and admit defeat.
You have exhausted your options and you must turn it all over. I know this can be a terrifying and painful proposition when speaking of a person you once carried in your arms, but it is time to be as honest with yourself as you must be with him. You need to start thinking about how you can get your life and space back. In some states the emancipation process can begin as soon as 14; in most cases it is 16. While he is too young for you to legally put him on the street today, 16 is right around the corner, and even now there are options like the ones above—or like choosing to further involve DFS and getting a caseworker assigned to help you determine, after a thorough investigation, if the best interests of your kid would be served by your voluntarily relinquishing your parental rights. [Update, Oct. 10, 2018: A reader wrote in to specifically suggest consulting a parental-custody attorney, which I think is a good call.]
His future is out of your hands now, and the good news is that you aren’t the only factor that determines the outcome of his life. There is a whole world out there and there is a whole world within him as well. Good luck. My heart is with you.
no subject
Not rehab resources for him? Specific addiction counseling? Family counseling in addition to his therapy?
This is the most appalling advice I’ve ever seen.
no subject
From the info in the letter, it’s not even clear that his problem is actually drug addiction — honestly, he sounds like a 15-year-old who is having some struggles and definitely acting out, but marijuana use is not the same as heroin.
I think that there are quite a few paths to pursue before getting him locked up or abandoning him!!
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I was particularly struck by C&F's contemptuous "what he thinks is pleasure." Can we agree that hanging out with friends is pleasant? You don't have to be delusional for that, that's not a weird fallacy teenagers engage in but then they learn better.
My question is: what positive things does this kid have to pursue in his life? If he doesn't have a variety of things to run towards, pretending that the things he does like are worthless is not going to help your cred in getting him some.
But 15 sounds young to abandon because IT IS. 15 is SO YOUNG and you are his ACTUAL PARENT, this is your ACTUAL JOB.
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Not that some of this doesn't deserve punishment - I'm certainly concerned about whatever went on at camp! - but sometimes more of the same is just not the answer.
Kicking him out before he's even 18 is not the answer either.
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If son is doing worse after months of therapy, that's not appropriate therapy for him, and LW needs to find a better/more competent therapist ASAP.
What I read here sounds an awful lot like oppositional defiance disorder and/or untreated ADHD; and a rigid parent who may mean well but is doing everything that is the opposite of helpful. ("He peed dirty" sounds appalling and says everything about LW's attitude towards drugs.) Weekly drug tests will likely only encourage drug seeking behaviour in people with ODD. Teens with untreated ADHD struggle with the concept of consequences because their concept of cause and effect is distorted. Unless consequences are immediate, discipline doesn't really work.
Imho what son needs is an extensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional, appropriate treatment for whatever conditions/substance use disorders he may have, and for LW to back off a little. And, I'm thinking son might benefit from moving in with more sympathetic family or friends in the short term, at least for awhile.
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Weekly drug tests is SO WEIRD, omfg. Like I don't even know what to do with that - that honestly makes me think OP is really surveilling, or there's some kind of missing info, because why on earth would you do that to your kid or think that's okay? Especially if you're saying "last week he peed dirty for marijuana" - like, the advice columnist seems to assume the kid has addiction problems, and I understand why, because why else would you be doing that? But I'm not sure at all that it's true, because why wouldn't OP say so?
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Emotional dysregulation is, I think, an often undiscussed symptom of ADHD, but it can be the primary disruptive symptom -- it is for my kid. And this just....
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Teens don't make the best decisions -- sure.
Addicts don't either -- if he's dealing with addiction, sure, but we don't know that.
1 + 1 = accept defeat and kick your son out???? Why not throw him into a volcano too, sheesh.
LW being authoritarian isn't working, but the answer isn't to just give up. Maybe try treating him as a person with agency, instead of a druggie juvie-adjacent failure?
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