Ask The Therapist: My Grandchildren Don’t Thank Me for Christmas Gifts. Is This a Moral Failure?

[katiedid717]

My Grandchildren Don’t Thank Me for Christmas Gifts. Is This a Moral Failure?

My grandchildren are in or nearing their teenage years. Two are from my son and his wife, and two are from my daughter and her husband. Of course, all children love and, to some extent, expect birthday and Christmas gifts. My daughter-in-law and her children continue a tradition of giving me handmade greeting cards every Christmas. They also always send me handwritten thank-you cards for the gifts I send. However, I receive no gifts from my other grandchildren, both boys, and never thank-you cards.

I mentioned this to my daughter, their mother, but there was no response. I suggested that each might give me a card promising 30 minutes of picking up sticks in my yard. I know that gifts should come from the heart with no sense of reciprocity, but the current situation bothers me. There seems to be a lack of moral character being demonstrated, as well as poor ethics and manners.

What do you think?

From the Therapist: You’ve framed your grandsons’ behavior as a case of bad manners or moral failure, but I hear a yearning underneath. No matter how much we tell ourselves that gifts aren’t about reciprocity, the reality is that they often hold emotional significance in which both parties are essentially asking to be recognized. The giver wants acknowledgment of their thoughtfulness and investment, while the receiver wants confirmation that they’ve been truly seen. Both are essentially asking, “Do I matter?”

When we don’t feel seen or appreciated, hurt feelings can disguise themselves as something else, like concern about good character or proper etiquette, because it’s easier to push pain outward than to say, “I feel unimportant to you.” But remember that children take cues from their parents, and I have a feeling that this lack of acknowledgment has more to do with your daughter than with her sons.

For instance, you mentioned that you got no response from her when you brought this up. But instead of telling her what her children should do for you, I’d be curious about why she doesn’t facilitate gift-giving or thank-you-note-writing. I say “she” because most teens don’t do this without some parental prodding, and I imagine that your daughter has her own feelings about your relationship that are being played out in the gifting dynamic.

Maybe gifting between you and her family feels empty or performative, when what she really wants is a different or more meaningful relationship with you. It could be that she perceives you as critical of both her and her sons, demanding of something that she doesn’t feel she or they owe you. She might also find your suggestion that the boys pick up sticks for you as a bit thoughtless: Would it make you happy to ask her children to do something that would feel more like a burdensome chore than something they would actually enjoy giving you?

Meanwhile, you say that your “daughter-in-law and her children” give you cards and write thank-you notes, but I noticed you don’t mention your son. It’s nice that your daughter-in-law has created traditions for her kids around gifting, but this doesn’t mean that her children have stronger characters than your daughter’s children do. It just means that the person your son married facilitates gifting and thanking — and that your son and your daughter don’t.

So what might help? First, separate your hurt feelings from judgments about character. You can feel unappreciated without that meaning that these boys are being raised poorly — or that this is primarily about them. Second, consider what you actually want. Do you want thank-you notes, or do you want to feel more connected to and valued by this branch of the family? If it’s the former, you could issue an ultimatum (no thank-you notes equals no gifts), but I don’t think forced statements of gratitude are what you really want. If you want genuine connection and appreciation, you can start by approaching your daughter with curiosity instead of complaints.

Comments

[katiedid717]

So with this...the recommendation for cards offering 30 minutes of picking up sticks makes me think that LW lives close enough to their daughter that the gifts may have been given in person. If you're handing the gifts directly to the grandsons, so they say "Thank you!" when they receive or open them? It they're saying thank you to your face, is there a reason you need the card?

[magid]

I have been in the situation where I gave someone a gift, and they did not say anything like a thank you… once there was even a “no, thanks!” So I hear where LW is coming from.

[katiedid717]

Just noticed a typo in my comment ("so they say" versus "do they say") - if no thanks are given when the LW is handing gifts directly to the grandsons, that's definitely rude. I can understand LW's frustration if there's no acknowledgement of the gifts too, because it's something that happens with one of my niblings and drives me nuts. My oldest nephew is 7 and his parents are divorced, so there are times when I have to pass a gift through my brother and get no acknowledgement whatsoever as to whether my nephew received it or enjoyed it. I'm very glad that my sister who lives out of state will either send a photo of her daughters holding gifts I send or will send a little video clip of them saying thank you!

[magid]

I’m not hung up on the form of thanks, assuming they happen. I admit to enjoying getting actual snail mail, but being thanked in the moment is fine too (a photo/video is very smart!).

No acknowledgement at all is challenging for me, and makes me disinclined to repeat the experience, but also, I’m not a parent/grandparent who could want parity for children/grandchildren gifts.

[katiedid717]

It's been a bit irritating that I don't get acknowledgement of gifts given to my nephew if I'm not handing them to him directly, but he's not quite 8 and his parents just got divorced, so there's a lot of adjusting going on over there. It definitely doesn't help that my brother is weird about gifts too - he would rather send something anonymously through the mail than have to deal with being thanked by someone (the horror!)

[dissectionist]

Oh my god, having to write thank-yous and stuff stresses me out. Receiving no gifts is far more preferable to me than being forced into a position where I have to spend my limited energy on a chore. Life is busy and stressful enough without being pushed into obligation - or the guilt when I don’t do it - by others who don’t see gifting as gifting, but instead as a reciprocal arrangement where they gift and then I’m obligated to spend energy on documenting gratitude.

[katiedid717]

I really like the way one of my sisters does it; she'll either text a photo of her daughters smiling and holding their gifts, or text over a short video of the kid holding the gift and saying "Thank you!" and that's it, gift acknowledged, gratitude given.

[dissectionist]

That’s a much easier way to do it, because there’s far fewer steps involved than having to send a note.

We do ask the kids to text their grandparents but I’m not going to be task-manager to ensure they do it (they’re old enough that their lives are their own), and if I can’t tell someone thanks during a regular phone call or text, it’s just not going to happen.

[magid]

I think if there were any acknowledgement, the LW wouldn’t be nearly so focused on thank you notes in particular.

[katiedid717]

I know this is something my mother had to address with a couple of her siblings when we were kids - they were pissy about not getting a thank you card in the mail, and she said "They said thank you and gave you a hug when they opened it, they're teenagers with activities every day of the week, homework is more important than a redundant card"

[joyeuce]

Now my daughter's old enough that a simple scrawled "thank you" is no longer cute, text or email responses are the way to go for anyone she's not seeing in person. I had a thank you card the other day from my 16-year-old godson, who I see regularly. My first thought was: "How on earth does your mother get you to do that?" and the second was: "Why does she bother?"

[mrissa]

By the time I was 16, it wasn't my mom getting me to do it, it was that it was something I had decided on my own was nice to do. Which I know is not typical, but your 16yo godson who sees you regularly writing a thank-you note at all is not typical, so maybe it's the kid himself who deserves the credit for deciding to do it.

[joyeuce]

Thank you, that's a nice thought.

[melannen]

My position is: thank-you notes are stressful and annoying, but also, if the gift has been sent to you through a third party, you really do need to let the giver know that you received it - it's also stressful to send something and never get any feedback, especially something like a gift card or check where you *really* need to know if it's not getting to the right person, or where you might need to follow up with the delivery people. And as a giver, if I don't hear back in a couple of months I tend to check in - because there *have* been situations where I regularly exchange gifts with someone, they were expecting a gift from me, and it never came.

If you truly don't want gifts from them, then you've got no obligation either way, and hopefully someone who feels strongly about it will respond by stopping the gifts. But I feel like a lot of people were taught as children that it's about performing gratitude when really it's essentially just a kind way to send a notice of receipt.

[katiedid717]

This is definitely an important distinction. Going back about 25 years ago, my cousin learned that her mail was being stolen when a couple family members reached out to say "Did you receive the check I sent for your birthday?"

[dissectionist]

The problem is that a simple “got it, thanks” would be seen as a rude response. So then it’s on me to perform the gratitude properly.

[melannen]

As a kid, there were definitely attempts to get me to write "good" thank-you notes - for someone reason teaching kids to perform gratitude is a whole thing - and certainly people like this LW I'd just as soon not get gifts from at all. But as an adult, I have never found anyone worth knowing who thought "I got the X you sent! Thanks so much!" was rude.

[jadelennox]

yeah, I don't like receiving gifts that much, but I've been told for years that not liking gifts is unkind of me and I have to accept them. But if I have to accept gifts, and I have to write thank you notes, and I have to perform loud gratitude, and I have to reciprocate... "a chore" is a good way to put it.

[cimorene]

I'm pretty sure that if her child doesn't think it's important to teach her grandkids to write thank you notes, then LW is the most likely person responsible. Like sure, it's possible that she could heartily believe in this principle and have done a really good job of teaching it to her kids thoroughly only for the daughter to conclude it just isn't that important. It's possible that LW did all she could. Just like... maybe not all that likely, going by her reported conversation with her daughter.

[mildred_of_midgard]

I like the idea proposed below that she actually overdid it, presumably by turning it into a huge benchmark by which their moral worth was measured, probably with a healthy dose of guilt tripping, and now the adult children have swung in the opposite direction of "I'm not doing that to my kids!"

[cimorene]

That is probably the most likely.

[aflaminghalo]

it's interesting that if left to her own children, she'd never get a thank you. so either she raised her own children to not send them, or she turned it into such a chore they dropped it the moment they could.

[dissectionist]

That was me. I was required to write a damn multi-paragraph epic for every gift. Trying to make myself do it now as an adult feels like pulling teeth and makes me feel incredibly resentful.