Ask a Manager: head of HR is waging a pressure campaign to make me adopt a puppy

[minoanmiss]

A reader writes:

A few weeks ago, our HR manager, Cara, brought in a photo of her dog’s adorable litter of puppies and everybody appropriately ooh’d and ahh’d all over them. Now that the puppies are old enough to be adopted, she’s started to put the bite on everybody in the office, and after a few other employees were winnowed away for various reasons (apartment building doesn’t allow pets, just had a new baby, etc.), she seems to have focused her attention on me.

Backstory time, I grew up in a house with a mother who … it’s probably most accurate to say she compulsively hoarded pets … and growing up having to take care of up to 10 dogs at one time has thrown cold water on my desire to have another dog for the foreseeable future, especially an hyperactive, high-maintenance puppy.

I’ve politely declined up until now, but Cara persists, dismissing my refusals by using most of the same lines I’ve heard from my mom about having kids: “Oh, you get used to that,” “You’ll change your mind,” “It’s different when it’s your own,” and of course, “But look how cute!” It’s getting to the point it’s how she opens every single conversation we have: “Hey! I’ve got three left. Have you changed your mind yet or do you still not want one?”

I’ve stood firm, but things are happening that are making me start to get a little tin-foil-hatty. A while back, I commented on the cute puppy on a coworker’s birthday card and she looked all confused and said, “Wait, I thought you were the one who didn’t like dogs.” I casually asked around a little, and while I can’t be positive, I’m getting the impression Cara has started telling people that my not wanting to adopt one of her puppies right now is because I hate dogs and having me adopt one to guilt-trip me into proving I don’t.

I don’t know exactly what to do here since, being head of HR, she’s normally who I’d go to for something like this, and I’m really starting to feel like I’m being bullied into adopting a puppy I do not want. Is there some way to remedy this?

The good news is that Cara cannot in fact bully you into adopting a puppy. You can simply continue to say no, and you will not find yourself living with a puppy.

But what she’s doing is obnoxious! It would be obnoxious from any colleague, but it’s particularly obnoxious from the head of HR, who ideally would have enough awareness of power dynamics and internal relationships that it would stop her from haranguing employees to take puppies off her hands.

You could continue doing what you’ve been doing — politely reiterating your refusal when Cara raises the topic — but frankly, it sounds incredibly annoying that she continues to bring it up over and over.

So a different option would be to say, the next time she raises it, “Can I ask you a favor? Please take me at my word — I am not available to adopt a puppy, and that’s not going to change. I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop asking.” If she continues after a clear “you need to stop,” she’s just making herself look weird, not you. And in fact, if she does continue after that, feel free to say, “It’s making me really uncomfortable that you aren’t respecting my answer on this” (or “it’s really weird that you keep pressuring me about this after I asked you to stop” or whatever formulation feels natural to you).

It’s okay to call it out! She is being weird. It’s okay for your reaction to make that clear.

And if Cara is telling people you don’t like dogs … I’m not sure it really matters. Plenty of people don’t like dogs, at least not enough to adopt one. If the topic comes up with a coworker, feel free to set the record straight — “I like dogs but I don’t want to adopt one and she’s being really weird about continually pushing me to take one of her puppies anyway” — but unless she’s going around telling people that she spotted you kicking puppies in the park, it’s not a big deal if people think you’re not a dog lover.

If it’s really bothering you, though, feel free to strategically complain about it to a couple of coworkers who you have good rapport with — “Is Cara giving you a hard sell on taking one of her puppies? I’ve told her a bunch of times that I like dogs but I’m not interested in adopting one, and she’s being really weird about pressuring me anyway.” This is a normal thing to share with coworkers because what Cara is doing is so odd and annoying; it’s a perfectly reasonable topic that you might vent about, and sharing that a few times might make you feel better as far as correcting the record goes.

But there’s no world where this needs to end with you adopting a puppy to prove anything to your office.

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

I would ask some very practical questions of HR Manager, to try and make her aware of how weird she's being....

[conuly]

So, HR Manager failed to either have their dog spayed or keep her confined, apparently has no friends, and is trying to make this LWs problem.

[topaz_eyes]

This strikes me as active harassment. But who can LW report it to, who can tell the HR manager to knock it off without causing repercussions for LW?

[green_grrl]

What I’d really like to say is, “It’s making me really uncomfortable that you aren’t respecting my answer on this, especially as HR.” But if Cara is this unprofessional already she’s likelier to get vindictive than to check herself.