Dear Care & Feeding: My Husband & Daughter's Shared Interest Is Unbalancing Our Family

[minoanmiss]

My husband Dave and I have three daughters: 14-year-old Natalie, 11-year-old Emily, and 5-year-old Chloe. Dave owns a restaurant and is quite busy; he usually works at least 60 hours a week. He used to be great about splitting his time at home between the kids evenly.

In May, as the school year was ending, Emily discovered her love of cooking. Dave had been a chef for a long time before he bought the restaurant, so he decided to take her to his kitchen on a day when the restaurant was closed to teach her some of the basics. Emily came back home with everything above her neck, including her hair and glasses, covered in a fine layer of flour, and everything below her neck, including her nice new shirt, covered in various sauce stains. And she was super excited and couldn’t wait to do it again. It was fine at first—a new way for dad and daughter to bond.

As the summer progressed, Dave insisted on spending more and more time with Emily in the kitchen, either at home or at his restaurant. It’s gotten to the point now where Dave expects to be able to spend all his free time teaching Emily how to cook. He barely spends any time with Natalie or Chloe.

Natalie has grown resentful of Emily. They had a loud fight resulting in Natalie calling Emily a “flour-faced bitch” and Emily insulting Natalie’s lack of creativity in coming up with insults. They used to be very close, and I don’t think they’ve talked for three weeks. I have been told that drama is a normal part of having multiple tween and teen daughters, but I don’t have any sisters so I wouldn’t know. It has been stressful for the whole family.

Chloe hasn’t really noticed that dad is spending so much time with Emily. All she’s noticed is that dad isn’t spending any time with her anymore, and she’s upset.

Emily doesn’t want her sisters to be this upset, and she feels uncomfortable that she is now clearly dad’s favorite. She told me she’s also worried that David might have the wrong idea; she doesn’t want to be a chef when she grows up, she just enjoys cooking. She would rather be an elementary school teacher or a wildlife conservationist. She doesn’t want to tell him because she’s worried about hurting her dad’s feelings.

I have tried talking with Dave about how he isn’t really being a father for all three kids right now, and Dave either makes some empty promises or gets very defensive and talks about how I sometimes do things with Natalie, like helping out her speech and debate team—but I feel that’s different because I manage my time so that I spend quality time with all three kids.

I know Emily should work on becoming confident enough to talk with her dad about this situation, but also Dave should know that this situation is not working. How can I get Dave to spend time with all his kids?

— A Chef’s Wife

Teen drama is certainly normal but from your letter it seems clear that there are some real hurt feelings here. You mention that Emily should be more confident about talking to her dad, but that is really hard to do. I’m 40, and I still don’t like the idea of disappointing my parents! But I do think she could be the key here, especially given her suspicion that he hopes she’ll take over the family business. Would she feel OK talking to her dad with you present and moderating the conversation? Maybe she’d be more comfortable writing him a letter that he could then discuss with her.

If Emily isn’t comfortable participating in those conversations (which is fair), then you may need to sit down with Daniel again and get much more concrete about Emily’s desires and Natalie and Chloe’s feelings. If he doesn’t believe the huge imbalance in time spent with his daughters, I wonder if he’d be open to you tracking his time? Maybe that sounds a little over the top, but it’s possible quantitative data could convince him. If he compares himself to you again, be clear that this isn’t about you. Point out that if the girls came to Dave with similar grievances about you, you’d expect him to talk to you about it. I suspect he’s feeling like you’re trying tell him how to parent, which is not quite the case; you’re trying to be the family smoke detector warning him there is a fire. Parents need to be able to do this for each other; it’s one of the benefits of raising kids in a partnership.

If none of that works, you might have to see if Emily can be a bit scarce on these free days—maybe at a friend’s house or school club. It’s possible that without Emily to focus on, Dave can rediscover the bond he has with the other two girls.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I don't like this answer.

Sharing an interest with a kid is SO AWESOME. That's been one of my great joys about being involved in my little roommates' lives, is sharing interests with them. I can see why Dave is sinking into it with one child and thus neglecting the others. Even Avatar Aang made this mistake. But I really don't like the answer, which is "have Emily go away and stop learning this useful fun skill, so her dad gets bored enough to notice his other two kids."

Dave needs to remember he's a grownup. If he can make himself listen to LW maybe they can figure out activities he can do with each girl. And he needs to become approachable enough that Emily can love learning to cook with him while being able to talk to him about not wanting to become a chef. Man up, Dave.

Of course, only Dave can do this.

[cimorene]

Agreed.

Or in other words, if your spouse can't be the adult in interactions with your children on their own responsibility, you can try to improve the children's experience by getting creative with ways to change the spouse's behavior. Maybe that means you're going to be kind of parenting the spouse, which isn't fun.

But you should not - not even if it's a shortcut that makes it easier for you - put the responsibility for getting your spouse to act like a grownup on a child.

[movingfinger]

But I do think she could be the key here, especially given her suspicion that he hopes she’ll take over the family business. Would she feel OK talking to her dad with you present and moderating the conversation? Maybe she’d be more comfortable writing him a letter that he could then discuss with her.

WHAT. Emily is 11! It is not her role to manage her father's expectations and feelings! It is LW's job to have that awkward conversation, with help from a professional if necessary to manage Dave's feeeelings! And to support Emily if Emily says no, she doesn't want to do this! By helping Emily find other activities that are in line with her interests in conservation and teaching! Emily is not an adult!

Care & Feeding: the worst. Can't even get the LW's husband's name right consistently.

[lethe1]

Care & Feeding: the worst. Can't even get the LW's husband's name right consistently.

Yes, I thought, who is Daniel??

[movingfinger]

Also, come ON, "flour-faced bitch" is INCREDIBLY GOOD.

[xenacryst]

I came here to say that. I mean, she could have gotten more creative with, say, "dough-faced assassin of joy" but she's 14 and can be cut a little slack for not being that much extra. By 16 she should really be on her game and able to sling barbed Shakespearean one-liners without breaking out of a sullen demeanor.

[ethelmay]

I suspect it was the "bitch" part that Emily said was uncreative. Which also gives me a lot of hope for this family.

[kshandra]

dough-faced assassin of joy

...Londo, is that you?

[xenacryst]

I have no idea to what you are referring... ;)

[oursin]

If he's not careful he's going to suck out all of her enthusiasm for cooking, like sports dads who take the whole thing far too seriously so that it's not about having fun anymore. Quite apart from the sibling dynamics aspect.