Care & Feeding: Horrible High School Hijinks

[minoanmiss]

Actual title: All the Boys at My Daughter’s High School Banded Together to Do Something Truly Terrible

My 15-year-old daughter “Sydney” is smart, funny, and outgoing, but struggles with anxiety and hypersensitivity. In fourth grade, after hitting puberty early and gaining a lot of weight, she was bullied so badly that we moved her to a small K-12 private school. She’s done well there for almost six years. Recently though, a frightening change came over her—crying, depression, reluctance to go to school. She’s refused sweets and seconds at supper. She’s asked me to buy her dresses, makeup, and a purse, all of which she previously scorned. She’s talked about growing her hair out, when she’s never been able to stand the feel of hair on her neck, and getting contact lenses. I finally found out what was going on.

Sydney’s school has only 21 students (12 boys and nine girls) in the whole high school section. At the start of this year, all the boys ranked all the girls in order of attractiveness. The only evidence is a blurry photo of a sheet of paper someone took with their phone and sent to Sydney. Only initials are used, but it’s mostly clear who is who. And it’s heartbreaking. The same two girls are ranked either first/second or second/first by all 12 boys, with one exception. The only place they all agree is, they all rank Sydney last.

I’m outraged and want to go to the school administrators and get these boys disciplined. But Sydney insists she’ll die if I do. And my spouse, who to my shock and disappointment just seems ashamed of the whole thing, is with her. Sydney says she wants more than anything to transfer to our huge (1,800 kids) public high school. Should I even consider crawling away without a fight? Is there any possibility Sydney would swim rather than sink in public school? What would you do here?

—Livid At Lookism

Dear Livid,

OK, well now I am also outraged! The fact that this musty old, misogynistic routine is being trotted out to reduce girls to their bodies in a place where they’re supposed to be developing their minds really chaps my hide. I absolutely think these boys need to experience consequences for their actions, not just for Sydney, but for every girl on that list who deserves to be able to go to school without being treated like her worth is predicated on whether she gives some teenage mouth-breather a boner. And because leaving the boys’ bad behavior unchecked only clears the way for even more insidious manifestations of it when they’re older.

Anytime you see a major personality shift in a kid, it’s a loud warning bell, and you should pay attention. The problems at school may go beyond this list. I’d get her into therapy, if she’s not already, especially given her previous struggles with anxiety. Bullying causes real trauma and the effects can be lifelong. My self-esteem issues as a result of being severely bullied as a kid have colored so many aspects of my life and still do today.

Talk to your daughter about what’s going on, and hear out her reasons for wanting to change schools and what she hopes to get out of that decision. Explain to her why the private school administration needs to know what is happening, and why these kids need to be held accountable. I’m willing to bet this list is an open secret that all the kids know about, so you can ask the administration not to give any indication of who the information came from when they speak to students.

Also, look into the public school’s policies on bullying and harassment so you can evaluate that against the private school administration’s response. If possible, talk to administrators or students (perhaps you have a neighbor or friend with a child enrolled at the school) there to get a picture of the school climate. Find out how they handle situations like this one. A transfer won’t help much if the same kind of behavior is tolerated at her next school. That said, your daughter’s safety, which includes her mental health, is the top priority, and sometimes we just need to listen to what our kids are telling us. If your gut tells you she’s not safe at her current school, get her out of there.

—Emily

Comments

isn't this how Facebook was invented?

[minoanmiss]

So my first reaction was "teenage boys (derogatory) *sigh*" but then I thought two things. "Self, you're not being fair, and also you live with a teenage boy." So I asked my local teenage boy what he thought of this. When I told him what the boys did he literally facepalmed, and when I asked what he'd do if he heard about such a project he firmly said, "I would tell the teacher." I praised him.

I want to believe that at least a couple of boys didn't actively participate in this cruelty, but just weren't as wise and brave as my formerly little roommate, or that the school is misguidedly trying to handle this "discreetly" by talking to the boys "privately" or whatever shove-the-sexism-under-the-rug method they're trying to use. I think LW should bust that wide open by forcing the school to address this to the whole school community.

That said, LW, don't "win" at the cost of your daughter. There is no disgrace in a tactical retreat and I can't see how she can possibly stay at a school with these particular boys as her classmates. I agree with the advice to check out the local public school and prepare her for what school there will be like. And I'd also recommend to set up a relationship with the school counseling office now.

LW's daughter, I send you all hugs and healing. I can't promise that every boy like this grows into a man who realizes that the most important thing about a woman isn't his judgement of her appearance. These boys come from somewhere (the pits of Hell). But some of them do, and I think things are likely to get better. Remember what Peggy Carter said, "I know my value."

[conuly]

Oh, LW absolutely has to tell the administration. That's separate from the question of whether or not her kid should switch schools - but given how very small the current school is, I think she has to.

[kindkit]

I wonder whether Sydney really has been doing well in her current school for all these years, or whether this is just the first that LW has heard of the problems. Nastiness like the boys' rating list doesn't seem like something that springs up out of nowhere.

When my mother reported to the school that I was being bullied, everything just got worse. But that was a long time ago, and maybe teachers and administrators respond more effectively now.

What did help was moving to a new, larger school! (For other reasons, not because of the bulllying, but it still worked.) At the new school I was one kid among many and there was no established pattern of bullying me. I pretty much went unnoticed and it was a huge relief. And there were enough kids that I was able to find a bit of a niche and make friends.

And finally, I hope that if Sydney continues to want to try a new look, she's allowed to do so if her family can afford it. The eating stuff is worrisome, but there's nothing innately wrong with wanting long hair or makeup or dresses or whatever, and the letter feels a bit like LW wants to dismiss this as solely as response to the bullying rather than as a teenager wanting to start crafting an adult identity. (Some conversations about patriarchal beauty standards etc. may be in order, but in a context of helping Sydney discover what she wants, not telling her she can't do it.)

[shirou]

I love this answer. I would advise LW to listen to Sydney and trust she understands how these decisions will affect her. Perhaps once she transfers to the public school, she will be comfortable allowing LW to tell the administrators of the private school about this incident.

[purlewe]

This is a great answer. And sadly teachers and admins haven't changed their ways of dealing with bullies (in general) and so get out is the best answer.

[azurelunatic]

For the love of fuck, transfer her immediately. That tiny size of school gets pecking orders enshrined and is severely toxic once a bad one forms. (Flocks of chickens with enough room to themselves do have pecking orders, but generally pecks get traded back and forth between the two or three adjacent chickens; even though there is an omega chicken, that bird does not regularly get pecked by *all* the folks above them. Unlike situations where a bunch of more dominant birds will decide to put the omega "back in their place", simultaneously. Which is what's going on here.)

[hashiveinu]

+1

[angelofthenorth]

I was Sydney. Ranked bottom by all the boys consistently for years back in the 90s. To be honest, I was a weirdo by their standards. They felt entitled to the best that could be afforded in our private school - somewhat bigger than the one here described.

However I knew that if I moved to any of the local comps the bullying would follow me. I was that kid, excluded, partly because I was poorer than most of the students (I was on an Assisted Place Bursary).

My response was to study hard, because I was told that that was my exit, that at Uni I would find my tribe, so I got into Cambridge and guess what - I didn't fit there either for much of the same reasons in that I was the wrong sort of different.

There isn't a happy ending for my story. I just hope there is for Sydney.

[minoanmiss]

I am really, really sorry.

[ashbet]

Get Sydney out FIRST — respect her request — and then go to the administration of the private school.

Skipping a grade and getting to high school ahead of my bullies (thus getting something of a fresh start) probably saved my life.

By the time those little shits hit 10th grade, I had made new friends (including some Large Metalhead Guys who shared my various geeky interests), and they weren’t able to keep tormenting me to the same level.

Prioritize Sydney’s mental health and safety, although I absolutely think those boys should face consequences.