Care & Feeding: I got passed over for being my sons' basketball coach

[minoanmiss]

I Got Passed Over for Coach of My Sons’ Basketball League. And I Know Why.

I’m a mom of 6-year-old twin boys who are starting to play basketball. Their team needed a head coach and I volunteered, but I was denied in favor of a random dad. I played four years of college basketball, and I know the game inside and out, but instead they went with a beer-bellied 40-something guy who probably can’t tie his shoes without getting winded.

He offered to have me join as his “assistant,” but I declined because it felt like a slap in the face. I know this is all because people don’t think a young woman can coach boys basketball, but why is it that men can coach girls without any issue? We all know the answer to that.

My question is should I pull my sons from this team or should I bite my tongue and let them play?

—Shattered Hoop Dreams



I’m not trying to tone police you, because it’s obvious that you’re upset—but you’ll lose allies in this fight if you resort to low blows like fat shaming.

In any case, yes, you’re right—I think it’s ridiculous that you’ll rarely see women coaching boys in sports leagues across the country. Pioneers like Becky Hammon, who became the first full-time female assistant coach in NBA history back in 2014, should’ve proven to the masses that women can coach the highest level of men’s professional basketball, but sadly misogyny is still a big problem in America.

Speaking of Hammon, she started as an assistant to one of the greatest basketball coaches of all-time in Gregg Popovich of the San Antonio Spurs. I’m not saying the head coach of your sons’ team is anywhere close to the coaching acumen of Popovich, but maybe being an assistant coach isn’t such a bad idea after all. Yes, I understand that it’s a blow to your ego, but you can use this opportunity to show your sons and their teammates that women should be respected as leaders on the basketball court. Not to mention, by proving how great you are as an assistant, you’ll be on the short list of candidates when another head coaching job becomes available.

Is it fair that someone with your basketball experience has to start off as an assistant? Of course not. Marginalized people like us often have to work twice as hard as everyone else to get the same opportunities. However, that doesn’t mean you should take your ball and go home. Use this slight to fuel you as you show the league what you’re made of.

As the great comedian Steve Martin once said, “Be so good they can’t ignore you.” And “they” in this instance means every male basketball player and coach you come in contact with from this point forward.

—Doyin

Comments

[jadelennox]

1. LW offers no knowledge that the older guy isn't a good coach, just that he's 40 something and fat.
2. LW offers no assertion that she's good at coaching or teaching, just that she played college basketball.
3. LW seems to be presenting herself as around 15 or so years younger than the other guy, which means he may well just have more experience.
4. The team is for 6 year olds. At that age, the basketball coach is half primary school recess aide, half babysitter, and maybe a soupçon of coaching. Not picking the young woman for the babysitting job is the opposite of sexism.
5. And if you want a trained basketball coach for a bunch of six year olds, LW, maybe you should mellow out with your kids a bit.

Also, nice job of Doyin with that "In any case, yes, you’re right—I think it’s ridiculous that you’ll rarely see women coaching boys in sports leagues across the country" that never actually agrees with what she's mad about.

[kiezh]

Yeah, all of this!

I wouldn't want her to coach 6-year-olds either. It's entirely possible that people auto-disqualified her for a Sports Job for being a woman, but she provides plenty of valid reasons to pick someone else! Someone who is more interested in helping the little kids have a fun time running around than in casting them in her internal sports movie, maybe.

(Shattered Hoop Dreams, my god.)

[conuly]

Do people pick their own sign-offs?

[kiezh]

I have no idea! "Shattered Hoop Dreams" seems more in line with LW's tone than the answer's, though - Doyin doesn't think her dreams are shattered, just requiring persistence.

[lethe1]

Yep!

[minoanmiss]

I thought I was being too unsympathetic to her because she pissed me off with the fatphobia, but yes, all of this. Her attitude would actually be horrible for these children.

I actually kind of liked Doyin's sympathy here (not least tempered with some gentle scolding) but now I'm rethinking that. Hmm.

[finch]

I don't know what the OP is imagining but I know my 7 year old played basketball last year and they didn't even keep score. Half the challenge was getting the girls to run in the right direction, and stealing the ball was literally against the rules. I knew moms like OP because I had to sit next to them at games while they shouted at their kids to hog the ball and break the league rules in favor of their "higher standard".

Also her coach was middle aged and not a lithe man but he was a teacher and prior coach with lots of experience with kids and that's way more what I'm interested in as a qualification.

[lethe1]

Hahaha!

[ashbet]

I lost all sympathy with the fatphobia, but… she also never says that this Dad doesn’t have experience coaching kids’ sports (or previous relevant experience.)

Did she inquire about it at all, or is she just assuming from appearance?