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Children have opinions, news at 11
How do we get our 4-year-old to stop negotiating and respect our rules?
Hi Meghan: My 4-year-old is pushing boundaries, as she should. She’s also a fast learner. She’s taken to turning the same approaches we use on her back on us.
For example: She would not go into her room at bedtime. Parent said if she did not go into her room, she would lose one minute of screen time the next day. A few minutes later, she said if parent did not do something they had already said we would not do, parent would lose five points tomorrow. Funny, usually. But not when we say “I’m asking you to do X” or “I need you to do Y” and the response is often “No, I’M asking you to do [some unacceptable thing].”
How do we balance respecting her right for autonomy and her (frankly very good) negotiation techniques with the need for her to respect rules and do what we say when necessary?
— Mini-negotiator
Mini-negotiator: Negotiation requires not just talking through something but compromising on what you want. Sure, you can have some discussion with a 4-year-old, but compromise? That requires a good bit of maturity and the ability to consider another person’s viewpoint and, it turns out, 4-year-old children aren’t so hot at that.
Yes, they are bright. They can mimic language (you’ve found this out the hard way), and they can care deeply, but they are still managing how to come to agreements with others. Hence why you see flashes of amazing logic and empathy and then poof! They can tantrum like a toddler. Four-year-olds only have enough language and patience to get them so far. And, like any human who doesn’t get what they want, they will use what’s been shown to them — your threats of punishment as bargaining tactics — and then will eventually melt down.
Here’s the good news: You can stop all this threatening and bargaining before it grows into a real problem (talk to parents of tweens who never got a hold on this; it’s a nightmare) and, instead, use strategies that work without tricks. The bad news? The other strategies take the long view, are harder in the short term and are so common sense, you’ll think you’re being punked.
First things first: You are going to stop threatening her with losing tech time and, instead, use what 4-year-olds value: play, laughter, real work and connection. A 4-year-old loves a real job and choices, but they are still little, have vivid imaginations and a deep desire to play. They want to feel connected to you in those ways. It will feel scary to give up your threats if they are your go-to, but with some faith and hard work, it can quickly get better.
Begin with a 4-year-old’s strengths: hard work and real choices. Make a bedtime chart outlining what will happen at night, and take your daughter seriously. Does she want to brush her teeth in the bath? Great. Does she want three books instead of two? Lovely. Do all of the stuffies need a kiss? Cool. You can also say what you as the parent need, such as three books and not 10 or four kisses and not 100. You decide and make a chart. Take her picture performing each task, print them and decorate the chart you will hang up.
The reason the chart works isn’t because your daughter will follow it (maybe, maybe not); the real magic is in the listening, respect, care, art and fun. The act of making the chart is the grease for the wheels that makes everything easier because your daughter simply wants to feel connected to you. She wants to feel helpful, loved and seen. The chart is an easy and fun way to do this.
When things inevitably go awry (and I can guarantee they will), you will get on her level, hug her and continue with your routine. Again, the hardest part will be fighting your own panic and need to control your child. Once you commit to staying quiet, calm and consistent, your daughter’s tantrums will slow down. Right now, her brain is conditioned to go back and forth with you, so it may take a bit for her to adjust to your changes, but once she experiences that you’ve stopped threatening and going back and forth, she will adapt.
No matter how bad the tantrums get, keep the connection strong and the threats to a minimum. Taking away something meaningful doesn’t teach a lesson, it just increases panic and lengthens the tantrum (not to mention … do you really want to keep track of these screen-time minutes and whatnot?) Like storms, the upset passes, so staying calm and centered will bring more cooperation; you just have to trust the process. I love the book, “The Way of Play” by Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent (coming out in January and worth the wait). It will remind you that play is how children learn, and it’s how we connect in these younger years — and beyond.
Hi Meghan: My 4-year-old is pushing boundaries, as she should. She’s also a fast learner. She’s taken to turning the same approaches we use on her back on us.
For example: She would not go into her room at bedtime. Parent said if she did not go into her room, she would lose one minute of screen time the next day. A few minutes later, she said if parent did not do something they had already said we would not do, parent would lose five points tomorrow. Funny, usually. But not when we say “I’m asking you to do X” or “I need you to do Y” and the response is often “No, I’M asking you to do [some unacceptable thing].”
How do we balance respecting her right for autonomy and her (frankly very good) negotiation techniques with the need for her to respect rules and do what we say when necessary?
— Mini-negotiator
Mini-negotiator: Negotiation requires not just talking through something but compromising on what you want. Sure, you can have some discussion with a 4-year-old, but compromise? That requires a good bit of maturity and the ability to consider another person’s viewpoint and, it turns out, 4-year-old children aren’t so hot at that.
Yes, they are bright. They can mimic language (you’ve found this out the hard way), and they can care deeply, but they are still managing how to come to agreements with others. Hence why you see flashes of amazing logic and empathy and then poof! They can tantrum like a toddler. Four-year-olds only have enough language and patience to get them so far. And, like any human who doesn’t get what they want, they will use what’s been shown to them — your threats of punishment as bargaining tactics — and then will eventually melt down.
Here’s the good news: You can stop all this threatening and bargaining before it grows into a real problem (talk to parents of tweens who never got a hold on this; it’s a nightmare) and, instead, use strategies that work without tricks. The bad news? The other strategies take the long view, are harder in the short term and are so common sense, you’ll think you’re being punked.
First things first: You are going to stop threatening her with losing tech time and, instead, use what 4-year-olds value: play, laughter, real work and connection. A 4-year-old loves a real job and choices, but they are still little, have vivid imaginations and a deep desire to play. They want to feel connected to you in those ways. It will feel scary to give up your threats if they are your go-to, but with some faith and hard work, it can quickly get better.
Begin with a 4-year-old’s strengths: hard work and real choices. Make a bedtime chart outlining what will happen at night, and take your daughter seriously. Does she want to brush her teeth in the bath? Great. Does she want three books instead of two? Lovely. Do all of the stuffies need a kiss? Cool. You can also say what you as the parent need, such as three books and not 10 or four kisses and not 100. You decide and make a chart. Take her picture performing each task, print them and decorate the chart you will hang up.
The reason the chart works isn’t because your daughter will follow it (maybe, maybe not); the real magic is in the listening, respect, care, art and fun. The act of making the chart is the grease for the wheels that makes everything easier because your daughter simply wants to feel connected to you. She wants to feel helpful, loved and seen. The chart is an easy and fun way to do this.
When things inevitably go awry (and I can guarantee they will), you will get on her level, hug her and continue with your routine. Again, the hardest part will be fighting your own panic and need to control your child. Once you commit to staying quiet, calm and consistent, your daughter’s tantrums will slow down. Right now, her brain is conditioned to go back and forth with you, so it may take a bit for her to adjust to your changes, but once she experiences that you’ve stopped threatening and going back and forth, she will adapt.
No matter how bad the tantrums get, keep the connection strong and the threats to a minimum. Taking away something meaningful doesn’t teach a lesson, it just increases panic and lengthens the tantrum (not to mention … do you really want to keep track of these screen-time minutes and whatnot?) Like storms, the upset passes, so staying calm and centered will bring more cooperation; you just have to trust the process. I love the book, “The Way of Play” by Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent (coming out in January and worth the wait). It will remind you that play is how children learn, and it’s how we connect in these younger years — and beyond.
no subject
no subject
Anyway, the advice to stop taking "minutes of screentime tomorrow" away is a good one, that's a terrible way to do things regardless? Your four-year-old is reacting to the fact that your commands and punishments are arbitrary, and is (logically!) assuming that any abritrary command or punishment is ok. Give them consequences that are immediate and less arbitrary, and work on coming up with ways to explain why things need to be done that aren't "because I said so" - you kid has clearly already figured out the flaw in that one.
no subject
Okay, I haven't even read the rest of the letter yet and I need to respond to this: this is not good parenting. The consequence is too trivial and too disconnected from the behavior both in time and relationship to what was done.
This is rather like telling yourself as a grown-up that if you don't put down the book right now and go to sleep, you won't read the book tomorrow. Like, uh, okay?
no subject
Yes, this.
no subject
It doesn't sound like refusing to go into her room at bedtime is a problem every night, though.
It sounds like the repeating problem, as LW sees it, is that the parents are using consequence language, so the kid is imitating them and using consequence language, and the parents are trying to figure out how to say, "No, the power to impose consequences is a POWER. I have it because I'm the parent. You do not have it because you're the child."
When a kid starts handing something back to you, it's probably a sign that you're doing too much of it.
A lot of time all a kid this age wants is to be heard. When she said, "No, no, no," instead of saying, "Go to your room or we will take away one minute from you, who don't know what a minute is, and this will happen tomorrow, which is an imaginary day," it would probably have worked just to say in a gentle and loving voice, "I know. You don't want it to be bedtime. You were having fun," while going right on with the bedtime routine.
It definitely doesn't work to try collaborate with a tired preschooler at bedtime on developing a philosophy of government.