Carolyn Hax: Stepmom wants to seize custody time from spouse’s breastfeeding ex

[swingandswirl]

Y'all, what even is this.

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Oct. 11, 2009.

Dear Carolyn: My husband’s ex just had a baby, making me one of few stepmothers who get to start from scratch. Because of this rare opportunity, I would like to hope we have a chance at a relationship most stepchildren don’t have with their stepparents. I would like the baby to call me “Mom” instead of “Kelly” and to view me as a third parent, not an interloper.

However, the current custody arrangement is tilted severely in the ex’s favor because she is breastfeeding. I think I will lose this special opportunity if we don’t get to spend any time with the baby till she’s a toddler. Should I urge my husband to petition for split custody?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: What, so you can rip the breast out of the baby’s mouth?

If you want to be a “third parent” to this child, then you need to do the one thing that makes you a real parent vs. the grown-up who occupies the same space as the kid: You need to think in terms of what’s best for the child.

“What’s best for the child” is not black-and-white; maybe stepping back and giving the baby a chance to bond with actual Mom isn’t a slam-dunk as the best thing for the baby (because, for one thing, not all mothers are good mothers). But you at least have to consider that it’s the best thing — and that attempting to get closer to the baby by antagonizing her mom might be the worst possible thing.

You have to scrutinize any thought you think, any idea you get and any move you make; you have to scrutinize yourself — for flaws, frailties, selfish motives. If you’re unwilling to question whether you’re wrong, then there’s little chance you’ll be right.

I believe this applies universally, but it’s particularly true, and the consequences particularly cruel, when there are small children involved.

Once you have stripped your motives of all their protective rationalizations, the next thing you need to do is stop seeing “Get close to Baby” as a zero-sum proposition.

Babies may bond with caregivers, but so do toddlers. Even if you came in a year or two “late” (which you won’t), that doesn’t relegate you to some second tier of parental value. Make no mistake: You occupy the tier you earn, through your love, your presence and — there it is again — your ability to get over yourself and think in terms of the child’s best interests.

It has nothing to do with the title; I’ve seen too many “Moms” whose children have severed ties with them in disgust, just as I’ve seen full-hearted devotion to the guardian who goes by “Kelly.” That’s when “Kelly” is liberal with affection; judicious and consistent with limits; generous with her time; well-stocked with patience and forgiveness; respectful of the child’s humanity; sincere with apologies when she falls short on any of these, as even the best of people will; and mindful of where her ego doesn’t belong.

If you’ve got these, then you’ll make the best of this “rare opportunity,” regardless of when your parental clock starts ticking. And if you’re respectful of this little baby’s mother, then she’s more likely to start that clock sooner. Impatience crashes the gate (and usually gets thrown out), where grace gets invited in.

Comments

[conuly]

This kid is, what, 14 now? I'm dying to know how it's working out.

[green_grrl]

Honestly hope husband ran screaming from the entitlement.

[swingandswirl]

Sadly I think the only way we get one is if the birth mom recognizes the story and gets in touch. Since I don't see LW being very self aware.

[dissectionist]

My hope is that the mom could never recognize it because LW took Carolyn’s advice and backed the hell off, and so this trainwreck that could have occurred became a non-event that the mom never knew could have happened. (I would assume “Kelly” is a pseudonym.)

But yeah, I’d love an update on this one!

[ashbet]

I’m still baffled — is the child biologically her husband’s child?

If not, why does she presume to have any rights toward the baby?

Is this a new relationship that the LW has with him? Was he cheating with her? Did he cheat on LW with the ex?

Like, this stuff is all RELEVANT, because some of those things are going to be fresh and raw.

I’d give my eyeteeth for an update on this one!!

[minoanmiss]

Great googli moogli, all of this.

My storytelling side has a theory but I shouldn't muddy the waters.

[minoanmiss]

Aw fuggit I can't resist.

Husband may or may not have been Actually Married to Ex when she got pregnant. When she got morning sickness he decided this was Too Disgusting For Words and began an affair with a "normal" woman, LW. When Ex found out, around when she was getting larger, he countered her anger by saying "you're getting Fat and Ugly so what else could I do??" and left her. LW said, "now you're going to marry me, right?" so he did. Several months later Ex has had the child and the custody agreement has been hashed out with Extremely Imbalanced Terms because of this pesky breastfeeding. LW just wants to be a stepmom, is that so bad?

[ashbet]

This is all distressingly plausible!!

[lethe1]

My questions exactly!

[princessofgeeks]

Yes, this. If this baby is not related to the LW's spouse, she is not the baby's stepmother. She is a bystander. She needs to cool her jets.

[redbird]

The reference to a custody arrangement suggests that this is LW's husband's biological child, but that doesn't fit with the part about maybe not getting to spend time see the baby until she's a toddler.

If it is his biological child, it sounds like either husband cheated on his now-ex with LW, or vice versa, or a tight timeline in which the baby was conceived shortly before the official divorce, and he married the LW within the next few months. Neither of those possibilities suggests that the ex would want LW to be part of her life, or co-parenting her child in the way LW is talking about.

Legalities aside, going to court to ask for split custody would probably ruin the chances of a friendly co-parenting relationship.

[mildred_of_midgard]

The only reading I can get out of this letter is that it's the husband's child (because of the custody issue), and the reason LW might not get to spend time with the baby until she's a toddler is because the biological mother will have sole custody until the baby's done breastfeeding.

[ethelmay]

I don't think the mother had sole custody or LW would have said so. She said "tilted." My guess is the dad and LW got the baby for a few hours at a time here and there, but couldn't keep her for a full day or overnight.

[mildred_of_midgard]

I was assuming it was sole custody with visitation, but I am not an expert. Either way, I think we're talking about the breastfeeding being the reason the custody arrangement is skewed and the LW is concerned about getting little to no time until the kid's a toddler.

[ethelmay]

Oh, you're right, I had a total brain fart and forgot about visitation being separate from custody. Air quality. Lack of caffeine. Something.

[mildred_of_midgard]

Ask me about my sister's first divorce and why visitation rights are burned into my brain. ;)

[tielan]

These questions. These. Yes. I have them. WTF.

[castiron]

Wanna bet that if LW had a child with her husband, she immediately stopped being interested in her stepkid?

[minoanmiss]

puts up a nickel

[oursin]

'First I steal the husband, then I steal the baby...'
I'm trying hard to find any scenario to which this isn't what's going on.
I was going to say you couldn't make it up but it has certain the Grimmer kind of Grimm folktale resonance.

[azurelunatic]

Wow. Wowwwwwww.

Stepmom, GTFO plz.