Care & Feeding: I Caught My Son Watching Explicit Videos. Then I Sent Him Straight to Therapy.

[minoanmiss]

A few months ago, I caught my 14-year-old son, “Kyle,” watching some pornographic material. I informed my ex about it so Kyle wouldn’t try anything while he’s staying with him, and I signed my son up for therapy.

What has prompted this letter is a message from the therapist. Things are going very badly, and he suggested I talk to my son. I had an awkward conversation with him, and he says that he refuses to talk to the therapist, since he knows “he’s just a spy for you anyway.” I tried to explain doctor–patient confidentiality to him, and he stormed off, saying I must think he’s stupid if I really think he’d “fall for that.”

I wasn’t lying! Doctor–patient confidentiality really is a thing! And I have no idea what to do if he’s going to view any therapist or other support I could get him as some kind of attempt by his mom to spy on him. So now I’ve got this unstable situation where I keep him off the internet, only I know he needs some internet access for things like school and keeping up with his friends, and he’s just getting more and more resentful. How do I break out of this?

—Gone Off Track

Dear Off Track,

You’re right: Things are not going well! Your relationship with Kyle needs a hard reset, starting with giving him a break from therapy for a while. It is not accomplishing anything at this time, and it’s only complicating the problem, which is that you don’t trust Kyle and Kyle doesn’t trust you. Also, I bet it is expensive.

Truthfully, it’s not clear to me why you signed him up for therapy at all. Is Kyle having other emotional problems or struggling in some other way? Or did you put him in therapy because you found him watching porn—a totally unsurprising development, if a distasteful one—and didn’t know what else to do? Therapy should not be a substitute for clear disciplinary boundaries. Nor should it be a punishment, which is, I’m sure, how it feels to Kyle.

Look, if you wish to ban your child from the internet until his 18th birthday, I’m sure history will be on your side, but you’re right that that’s pretty impractical. There are plenty of parental controls you can place on his phone and personal computer that will give you some insight into what he’s doing and limit his ability to view hardcore stuff. Go ahead and install them! If he’s doing schoolwork on a school device, rest assured that most school districts use such draconian content blockers that a kid would be lucky to get even a glimpse of WebMD.

And yet, if Kyle is determined to look at porn, he’s gonna find a way—such is the ingenuity of the desperate, horny 14-year-old. I’d focus not on trying to stop him from ever seeing another nipple, but rather on helping him understand and contextualize what it is he’s seeing. Talking with him about what pornography is, how it’s made, and the often-fantastical version of adult sex it portrays is a much better use of your time, as well as speaking openly about consent, pleasure, and love. (It would be great if his dad would have these conversations with him too!) No doubt those chats will also be awkward as hell, but at the very least they won’t make him feel as if you think he’s a criminal who needs therapy for his perversions.

I know that wasn’t your intention! But that is definitely what he has taken away from this experience. It’s time to step back and do your best to reopen the lines of communication. Later on, when his frontal lobes are slightly more developed, you can explain the concept of doctor–patient confidentiality.

Comments

[ioplokon]

Minors typically don't have the same confidentiality protections as adults, especially wrt what their parents can know.

[katiedid717]

Sending your 14-year-old to therapy because he looked at porn seems a little extreme to me - I feel like it's kind of a normal experience? I wonder if this LW is religious, because this slightly reminds me of when my parents and sisters were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka, Mormon). Every missionary we met with talked about having a "dark night of the soul" somewhere between ages 14-16; years later, I found out from my brother-in-law that about 95% of the time, this means "I looked at pornography and masturbated, and then I felt guilty because I liked it."

[frenzy]

This was ABSOLUTELY my first thought.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, that was why I posted this. I can't think of too many things more developmentally appropriate than a teenager looking at porn. I can see why she doesn't want him looking at the products of today's porn industry but punishing him with therapy as if he's mentally ill for being horny is a bit much.

I wish someone could drop the kid a line about how much nudity is in art history, but that would Not Be My Place ahahaaha.

[katiedid717]

I recently watched a show where a bunch of comedians were talking about a TTRPG session they'd just finished which included an attack at some kind of hippie-esque festival. Two of the comedians grew up in very Bohemian communities and were saying that there's nothing like seeing a bunch of naked stoned 70-somethings to kill the teenage urge to look at porn

[movingfinger]

If LW is Mom and the ex is Dad, then Dad really needs to weigh in here and do some heavy-lifting parenting. Kyle sounds typically sullen, but a father who is a role model and positive influence and thoughtful, nonjudgy sounding board is very helpful to someone Kyle's age. If there has been no sex education or discussion of porn and toxic internet culture to date, someone not the LW needs to have that conversation with Kyle.

[redbird]

Talk therapy only works if the patient is interested. If not, even if Kyle didn't think the therapist was a spy for his mother, he might just walk into the room, say "I still don't want to be here," and just sit there for an hour.

Or, if he trusted the therapist, Kyle might figure that here's an hour a week with someone who is paid to listen to his problems, and use the time to talk about things other than what LW thinks the problem is. Kyle doesn't think the problem is porn, he probably thinks it's that his mother doesn't trust him or understand him.

[zana16]

Doctor-patient confidentiality in mental health depends on the age of the minor. I practice in Pennsylvania, and when a kid turns 14 I can only discuss treatment with the parent if the kid signs a release. Many parents are upset about this, but on the whole I think it’s a net positive for kids who need to know they have some privacy in order to open up.

[julian]

Man, I *wish* it were that way in Massachusetts. Parents have a legal right to know til the kid turns 18, and often use it when they Should Not.

[conuly]

Okay, I'm usually all aboard the therapy train, but this is ridiculous.

How do I break out of this?

You stop punishing your teenager for being a teenager? This is not rocket science. Maybe LW is the one who needs therapy and/or parenting classes.

[lilysea]

Look, it's not ideal for a 14 year old to be watching porn

but it's not a reason for therapy unless

a) you have reason to suspect the 14 year old has been abused

b) or the porn contains people under 18; animals; or serious real world violence.

It would have been better for LW to talk about the importance of consent and the differences between porn vs real world sex eg talks about consent, talks about safe sex, talks about foreplay.

[ashbet]

^^^THIIIIIIISSSS.

I was talking to my teenager about sex, porn, consent, pleasure, body development, healthy relationships, orientation, etc. (parents of teens, I highly recommend https://www.scarleteen.com/ as an amazing resource!), as a matter of course in ongoing conversations, so there wasn’t some big traumatic reveal like this.

It is very, very normal for curious teenagers to look at sexually-oriented material, and porn is extremely accessible in this day and age.

The way to handle it is to make sure that your kid has a good ethical framework, and isn’t surrounded by a bunch of shame-y notions about sex, so that they’re less likely to look at material that was produced through abusive means, and are exploring their own sexuality in a healthy way, including solo.

[dissectionist]

If you caught your teenage kid watching porn and your first thought was that they needed therapy, spend the money in therapy for yourself instead. That’ll do a whole lot more for both you and your kid.

[firecat]

“ I caught my 14-year-old son, “Kyle,” watching some porn”
…
“And I have no idea what to do if he’s going to view any therapist or other support I could get him as some kind of attempt by his mom to spy on him.”

You shouldn’t have spied on him, then.